LOVE IS WAR(M).

38

NOTE: R18. This chapter contains mature content. Reader discretion is advised.

Laurice.

Napahinga ako ng malalim nang mapatingala ako sa kabuuan ng bahay na nasa harap ko ngayon. The house appeared to be very old, with peeling paint off the walls, a gate almost entirely tarnished, and a front yard so dull and lifeless that once used to be filled with vibrant colors of green Bermuda grass and mommy's potted plants. Maalikabok din ang kapaligiran dahil sa demolition and construction that has been going on for the past few months in the area.

Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa hem ng damit ko nang tuluyan ko nang mapagpasiyahan na pumasok sa loob. I was being extra careful when I opened the gate to go inside dahil baka ma tetanus ako ng wala sa oras dahil sa kalawang na bumabalot sa gate. Nang tuluyan na akong makapasok sa loob ay naisipan kong huwag nalang iyon isara dahil baka mahirapan pa akong lumabas mamaya at makulong pa ako rito sa loob.

Napatingin ako sa malaking paso, just beside the door. I bent down to lift it to see if my key is still there. Napangiti ako nang matagpuan ko ang lumang susi at keychain ko roon. This must be the same key that the caretaker has been using, as per mommy's instructions.

The door let out a loud creak as I opened it. Stepping inside the house, I wasn't surprised to find that the surroundings were almost clean. I knew that mommy had been keeping an eye on this place, even if she told me that she wanted to forget about everything she left here in the Philippines already- just in case I decide to come back someday.

I learned that secret from lola France and she made me promise not to tell mommy that she snitched on her dahil malalagot daw kaming dalawa. I smiled at the memory as I take the familiar steps at the staircase going up to my room. Now I miss them both.

Sandaling napatayo muna ako sa harapan ng pinto nang marating ko ang dati kong kwarto. I was consumed by grief the last time I was here. Now, after ten long years, I find myself back, only to be unexpectedly overwhelmed by grief once again. How ironic?

Dahan-dahan kong pinihit ang doorknob the moment I felt ready to go inside my old sanctuary again. My hand automatically found the switch on the wall when I tried to find it as if it never forgot where it was.

I was actually scared that I might see the same mess that I left here the day we left for New York, na baka kung makita ko ulit ang pamilyar na itsura ng kwarto ko noong araw na iyon ay muling manumbalik lahat ng kirot na pinagdaanan ko noon ngunit tila parang nabunutan ako ng tinik sa lalamunan ko nang makita ko ang kamang mukhang kakapalit pa lang ng bedsheet. Though a lot of storage boxes scattered around the floor because of all the things that I left here back then, the room still looked squeeky clean as if this was the part of the house that was mostly maintained and taken care of. Kahit ang kurtina ng malapad na bintana sa dati kong kwarto ay mukhang kapapalit lang din.

Mommy, I couldn't thank you enough for loving me so much.

Pagod na ibinagsak ko ang aking katawan sa malambot na kama. I was immediately enveloped by the same comfort that it used to provide me when I was a kid. I couldn't believe that resting here could still ease my anxieties away, even if I have real, adult problems now.

I glanced around my old bedroom, noticing the aged paint on the walls that still revealed traces of pastel shades. As I inhaled deeply, a rush of memories flooded back to me, reminding me of the moment when he first showed me the room he prepared for me. It was clear as daylight that he had paid close attention to my preferences for my personal space and never forgot about them.

Napabuntong-hininga ako nang muli ko siyang maalala. And because I remembered him, I got reminded of the incident that happened earlier too. Muli kong naalala kung paano maglakad si Yssabel papunta sa taas ng stage kung nasaan si Sebastian, at kung paano magpalakpakan ang mga bisita na animo'y gustong-gusto nila ang babaeng 'yon para sa kaniya, maging ang kaniyang lolo na alam kong hindi basta-bastang nagbibigay ng kaniyang suporta kahit kanino. At dahil doon, naramdaman kong muli ang kirot na pilit kong hindi binibigyang pansin sa dibdib ko. Now I feel like a loser again. Ano ang panlaban ko sa kaniya?