Vera

Chapter 37

She gently grabs my wrist and starts to unwrap my knuckles. The once white cotton is damp with blood now. I started the night with beating up people, so most of the blood is dried now. When the wrap falls away, I see the damage done to my hand. Busted knuckles, some with blood dripping out of them others beginning to crust over. Vera heaves a sigh and goes to put alcohol on a swab.

"What happened?" She whispers, as she delicately dabs at my hand. I promised myself to never lie to her again now that she's back, so I'm going to keep my promise.

"My dad got in my head, and this is where I come when I don't want to be in my head anymore. Can't hear your thoughts if your body is screaming." She doesn't respond to me, just continues to dab at my knuckles.

"Tell me about your tattoos." She says without looking at me. She hasn't really looked at me this entire time, I do what she asks anyway.

"The flowers and vines are for my mother, she use to have a garden when we were growing up. She made us help her every weekend." I skim my fingers over the dahlias and vines that wrap around my arm and go up until they reach my neck. "And this," I point to a saying in her hand writing, "Is what she always said to me as a kid." In soft letters 'Be strong' is scrawled across my bicep. Vera's eyes follow the tattoo until it ends on my neck, they linger before moving to my other arm.

"This is for Matteo," I gesture toward my forearm with the word MAD on it. "He went through a phase where he was mad at everything and his initials happen to spell that out so I called him that for about 2 years." Matteo Andreas Desoto, Santiago Elias Desoto, and Antonio Christian Desoto each one of our names were given to us by our mother and only thought of when she first held us in her arms. That's what she'd tell us anyway, she didn't know our names or even brainstorm any until she saw us, then it just came to her.

"This is what Antonio use to say to me when he was teaching me to box." The words 'Always get back up.' are written across my bicep. "Then this was for Cam and Alex, but now it's for Mila and Jasper too," Under Antonio's words is the phrase 'Family is more than blood'

"On my back is 'Saint' because this life is a part of me. And then this is for you." My eyes drift to the quote inked across my collar bone that was by far the most painful one to get, but not in the way the others were painful. 'Forever my everything' is what I got tattooed about a year after Vera passed. I was still a mess, but I was starting to come out of it, and this made me feel closer to her. Her motion completely stops and she turns to throw the cotton swab away, ignoring me. I grab her arm and pull her in between my legs.

"Vera, look at me." I say firmly, not letting any of my pain show through my tone. It doesn't work and I know I have to be gentle with her or she'll just run farther away. "Please, mi luz." Her breath shudders and her eyes trail up my body until our eyes connect. I loosen my hold on her and choose my words carefully.

"You're it for me, Vera. You always have been and you always will be, but I know you're scared. I'm scared too." I watch as she starts to soften in my hold. She's been on survival mode for 5 years, she doesn't know how to just rely on someone anymore. I'm going to fix that.

"I'm scared of losing you again, and now Silas. I'll always be afraid of that, for as long as I live." Her eyes start to get glossy, and she subtly chews on her bottom lip. I keep quiet so all of this can soak in, so she understands that I mean this with everything in me. I'm done playing games, I'm done not saying things because it's not the right time. I'm old and tired and I want her and Silas. I want my family.

"Do you think we would have made it if everything hadn't happened? Do you think we would've lasted?" She asks in a broken whisper that hits harder than any punch. That hurts worse than any bullet wound.

"If all of that didn't happen, I wouldn't have been stupid enough to let you go, Vera. And I never will." Her eyes fill with a reassurance that makes me feel like I did something right. That makes me feel like things will be okay.

"Could I ask you something?" My fingers play with the rings on her hands—something I notice Silas does—as I wait for her answer. She grazes her fingers across my jaw, gently lifting my head to look at her.

"How do I be a good dad?" My voice mimics her quiet and once broken one. My dad was not a good man growing up. I had no male role models. I don't want to hurt Silas or screw him up like my dad did Matteo and I. I want to be there for him and care for him and be his friend.

"You are already an amazing father, Santi. You care for Silas even though you've known him for less than a month. Being a good parent is caring and loving your child with everything you have everyday. You already do that. Silas is the good of both of us, all we can do is teach him what we know is best and let him grow into himself." My heart aches at not only the knowledge that I'm already doing good as Silas' dad but also at what Vera called me. Santi. No one has called me that in so long, especially her. She hasn't even said my name until tonight. I squeeze her hand in a silent thank you. She rakes her fingers through my hair, making my eyes fall shut. I loved when she did this. It always calmed me. I feel her comb my hair away from my forehead that has started to dry from it being damp with sweat. She places a light kiss on my head that speaks so many words.

"Come on, let's go home."