Pain

Nightmare

I was being chased by a giant version of my Mother, and also a giant version of Terry.  Terry was shouting racist's comments at me, my Mother telling me she was disappointed at me.  The area was all mountains, freezing wind blowing me towards them.  Mother was speaking in English with Terry, which was even more scary then her speaking in German."  How could you try to commit suicide, and fail at it?  Are you stupid?"  Mother screamed at me, her voice echoing over the valley's."  No, I'm not stupid!  I never was stupid, I just wanted out."  My Mother's voice turned dark and evil."  You will never escape!"  Then everything started to fall around me, and I started falling into a dark hole.

I woke up screaming, and hugged my legs close to my chest.  El came in to see what was the problem, and found me with sweat covering me all over.  She sat down on my bed next to me, and slowly hugged me around the neck while rubbing my back."  It's alright, it was just a dream.  Nothing can hurt you okay?"  I started to cry, and held onto her."  I'm here for you Jerliko, everything's going to be okay."  She held me until I finally settled down."  What time is it?"  I asked her as she wiped my eyes with a tissue."  It's around two in the morning, I was actually leaving when you screamed."  I hadn't realized she was wearing a coat and had her purse over her shoulder."  I'm sorry."  I said, and she shrugged."  That's okay, my husband will understand.  You're a really good kid Jerliko, and you deserve better."  She patted my shoulder, and left.

I pulled the blankets up to my chin, and fell asleep again.  I woke up with light in the room now, and I took a deep breathe."  I survived the rest of the night."  I whispered to myself, and sat up.  My door was open, and I could see some nurses walking by.  Mike came in after a few minutes of me sitting there."  Breakfast is served."  He said, and I thanked him.  I walked down to the cafeteria, and sat down with the others.  There was a new nurse there, and looked so much different than El.  She was around fifty years old, white hair, mud brown eyes, and tanned skin."  Hello Jericho, I'm Brenda."  She took my hand, and I looked down."  Jerliko."

"I'm sorry?"  She asked, and I looked up."  My name is Jerliko, not Jericho."  She looked stunned, and apologized for the mistake."  It's fine."  I said, and sat down.  I drank my OJ, and ate some eggs.  The sausages made me think of Terry, so I didn't even touch them.  Mary wasn't at the table, and I got concern."  Where's Mary?"  I asked the others, and they continued to look down at the table."  She lashed out this morning, she's in isolation."

"Why did she lash out?"  I asked, and Steve look away from me.  Ruth set her spoon down, and pulled me close."  Because they tried to take her away from you."  She whispered into my ear, and I dropped my spoon.  I got up, and walked back to my room.  I shut my door, and sat on my bed facing the wall.  I made her lash out?  Because she didn't want to leave my side, she wanted to stay next to me.  I was..her friend.  I pulled my legs close to me, and leaned my head against the wall.  Brenda came in to see what I was doing, and I hid my face."  I know you think it was your fault but it wasn't, she just didn't want to leave your side.  It's not your fault."

"Yes it is, you don't understand.  She cared about me, and I couldn't take care of here.  So yes, it is my fault."  I looked over at the wall, and Brenda rubbed my arm."  Look, if you want us to, we can put Mary's bed in here if you'd like?"  I looked up at her, and she had a kind smile."  You can do that?"  I asked, and she nodded."  Of course, if you really care about her?"  I nodded, and she smiled."  Yes, I would be very happy if you did that!"  I said, and she smiled."  Okay, I'll talk with the doctor."  She then left, and I stared at the wall.