ᴍᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴠɪʟ || ʀᴀᴅɪᴏᴀᴘᴘʟᴇ

• 5 •

"Why are you so perverted Angel? Leave him alone, Alastor is sex repulsed and Lucifer is a married man." Husk rolled his eyes. Lucifer sat with this question for a while. Sure Alastor wasn't a bad looking demon, but to go as far as to have sex with him? Even if he did feel sexual or even romantic attraction, they would bicker about everything. Lucifer also wasn't one for a one night stand, he needs a meaningful relationship before having sexual relations with someone.

"He's the most annoying demon I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. He's... attractive from some angles but we just wouldn't work."

"You've thought about this? Who would top?"

"Angel!" Husk warned, but Angel Dust waved him off.

"He seems to like power, maybe he'd be a top, or even a power bottom."

"I can assure you I am neither. Sex is disgusting and I will never participate in it." The trio jumped out of their skins in fright as a shadowy puddle revealed Alastor, looking a lot better than what he was a week ago. His hair looked freshly washed, something Lucifer had never seen before and he smelled... nice? He usually smelled of rotting carcass, so it was unusual to smell sandalwood.

"Well look who it is, beansprout! Have you finally recovered from bad music taste? Perhaps I should play another Cardi B song to brighten your day?"

"That won't be necessary."

"And what's with the hygiene? You look and smell better than you've ever done- did you brush your teeth?" Lucifer was aghast, what did Alastor have up his sleeve?

"For your information, I took my first bath in several years. Charlie told me I'll get extra points if I bathe."

"You still look like Bambi caught in a lightning storm so I don't know if you've earned those extra points. You're still a terrible father figure." Lucifer found great joy in watching Alastor's smile become strained.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Alastor retorted, narrowing his eyes. He leaned closer to Lucifer, using his cane as balance.

"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss." Angel Dust chanted quietly and both of the battling dads snapped their heads towards him.

"He may have brushed his teeth, but I can smell the plaque from a mile away. No way am I kissing this overgrown tomato." Lucifer remarked, stepping away from the deer.

"Come on! You guys would be the most feared couple in all of Hell!" Angel Dust whined, and Husk hid behind the bar. The nerve of Angel Dust was admirable.

"There's no sexual tension!" Lucifer growled and Alastor laughed darkly.

"The only tension I have with Lucifer is the tension in my shoulders from slouching to his level."

"You piece of sh-"

"Alastor! Are you feeling better?" Charlie asked, Vaggie was following her in hot pursuit.

"Yes my dear, and I even bathed!"

"Aw you're amazing Alastor!" The radio demon grinned and glanced at Lucifer out of the corner of his eye. Lucifer grunted and folded his arms.

"Are you guys still not getting along? It's been three weeks." Vaggie questioned, and the two glared at each other. Charlie pondered for a moment, before snapping her fingers and beaming.

"I have an idea! I need a dress for a date with Vaggie, you guys should go to the mall to buy me a dress! The best dress wins, then you guys should go to LuLu World and go on all the rides!" LuLu World was Lucifer's own theme park made especially for Charlie. It made his heart burst at the memory of Charlie as a kid, squealing at the sight of the mascots.