relying on love -Tom Kaulitz

End of him.

...

we spoke, for what felt like hours. A convocation with him flowed so naturally, i hadn't spoken to anyone so cheerfully since before i got back home, maybe even before i left. He missed me, i could tell by how well he was listening to me talk about nothing but myself.

i wanted to mention the note he sent me, but why mention it and ruin the mood..i liked how calm he was, How much he wanted to see me again, just as i wanted to see him. God why did he have to make my head go crazy like this.

i had stopped speaking, getting lost in my mind, but he seemed to be enjoying the silence, or maybe he wasn't enjoying it at all. "Jen." tom said, braking the everlasting quietness that filled both of our rooms. "yes tom?" i said back, for some reason my heart was racing, his voice was quiet. Maybe he was upset, or just tired. He didnt say anything for another long moment.

"Jen i dont want to suggest anything you wouldn't want but, please, can i see you again. Just so we could talk, not over the phone. I feel there is a lot i need to say to you.." my beating heart calmed, honestly i was waiting for one of us to give in from being apart from each other, Tom had the guts to ask as he wasnt the one to go running. But what would it mean for me, to see him again, to get my heart pulled and battered, I was not about to say no to seeing Tom Kaulitz even one more time for an explanation he wants so bad to give. 

"of course, but please come see me. Ive built a foundation here you know, i cant just leave to see you" i heard Tom sigh, was it good for him to see me? did i just mess everything up. My mind always seems to go crazy with questions when i talk to him, i want nothing but for him to be happy, but is that really how i feel. god knows. 

"whens good for you? i can come whenever i promise Jen, you wont regret this." We started making plans on when, and where to see each other, and there is goes again. My heart pounding at the though of seeing him again, he said it could be totally friendly but..well if i miss him that much whos to say how friendly it needs to be.

and as fast as the call started, it ended. His voice no longer at the tip of my fingers. Yet only another memory. It was like i itched to talk to him again once he was gone. The rest of the day felt, empty. The thought of seeing Tom again made my head go wild, to the point where the world outside my head might as well have been a cardboard box. 

Never have i let a man mess with my emotions so much, but Tom was worth it. I could tell, The look in his eyes and the sound of his voice. The times he would touch me so gently, He is nothing but perfect in all those ways. Maybe its my head messing with me but he really is the perfect guy, even if he can be an evil peace of shit, its only when he needs to be.

We arranged to meet this week, so less than a week to prepare myself from being in his powerful embrace that ive missed so dearly. i cant explain my feelings for Tom, i want to die in his arms, i want him to be the one to kill me. I sound crazy, Maybe i am.  

"get back to reality." My father snapped as he ate, i was standing next to my chair, staring at it. I wasnt thinking as i looked to my father, around the table, My mother was nowhere to be seen. It didnt bother me but, it ment something had happened, an argument maybe? but it wouldnt be that or my father wouldnt stop going on about it even now. 

"Father, will mother not be joining us this afternoon?" He glared at me while staring his head down at his food, he was thinking but this time i couldnt tell what. But i knew the glint in his eyes all too well, he was not right in the head. So i decided to drop it and just sit. I expected him not to bring it up, untill he did. 

"your mother, she... has disappointed me greatly" The way he spoke to me. It made my blood boil, i wanted to bark back, to tell him to stop protecting be from the truth, he never used to, not when i needed protecting to why is he bothering to now. And for once, i did. thats exactly what i said to him, i wasn't scared, i didnt want to be. 

"What did you say to me?" he was mad, his tone dropped like an embarrassed teenage boy. I had started it now, i have to finish it. 

"oh please, dont give me that tone. you sound just as insecure as mother always did because of your bull shit, i know youve done something to her you always have done, used to tell me straight to my face and now your playing all touchy feely with what youre going to tell me." 

He looked at me, no emotion on his face as he shook his head at me, I wanted him to hate me, kick me out of this hell of a family, i wanted to leave, to be with Tom. He knew it, he practically set me up with him. He had and will always be the downfall of my life. 

"Jen, im tired of every one of my own blood destroying the family, your mother is gone. you know that, youre not stupid are you?" I looked at him with disgust, he was so calm, listening to my pain like he was aware he was causing it the whole time. I wanted to kill him, i want to see those judgemental eyes stabbed through with all the knifes in our kitchenware. 

"I wish i wasnt apart of this family." i felt drained already, just speaking a few words to him made me want to sleep for decades. 

"you have no choice sweet heart." he said back with a devilish smile, one of the fakest ive seen on his plastic plastered face. I couldnt tell if he knew that i know about him and Tom, how they know each other, the evil shit that happened to me because my dads a creepy old rich man. 

The tired feeling just became numb, i didnt know how to feel anymore, i wish i didnt have to feel so wrongly of my family, but then that just makes me sound like him. thats all i am and all i ever will be, him. in his younger self-made female week form. 

I picked up a knife, laying at the side of the table as i stood up, making sure he didnt see my hand grabbing it, but at this point he wasnt even looking at me, not that i wanted him to. i never want him to.

without a second thought i launched at him with the knife, he was old, slow, fat. all the security he gained up to this point was bought. I had to earn my own, something hed never know, i pushed his chair back as i jumped on him, he quickly realised i was attacking him, trying to grab my arms and push me off, but all i did was claw at him endlessly, blood dripping down from his arms onto his face. some of my blood where i slashed so carelessly i was attacking myself 

"GET THE FUCK OF ME" he yelled, but i was simply not listening. I was done with him, Nothing will ever make me regret this, he is only a problem in my payed for life. i wanted to be free from this box i was in, the snowy emotionless box..

i stabbed him, right through the eyes just as i told myself too. i didnt feel like a killer, like all the documentary's say it feels like to end someone's life, nothing comes close to killing a man who youve seen every day since birth, the man that moulded you into the life and feelings you are now, but he didnt raise the person he wanted, he was selfish, all he wanted was himself. So why let him live to see anyone else. 

i sat there, like a ragdoll over his dead body. i wasnt tired anymore, in fact it felt more like i was more alive then ever. I got up off him, looking down at his body, smiling the same smile he gave me before his last ending moments,

i needed to sit down. the alive feeling disappeared within seconds, leaving me nauseous  and dizzy, i quickly ran upstairs to my room, sitting on my bed and grabbing my phone, i needed to tell tom, he cant come to me not while im dealing with my fathers dead fucking body. 

"fuck!" i yelled, waiting for him to pick up. "Jen?" i went speechless

...

ok woah, so sorry for not writing for SO LONG motivation was nowhere to be seen. 1k READERS IS WILD.....