Dead love in my hands (Troy Otto story/ Fear the walking dead/ ftwd)

Everything is meaningless without you

She returned 25 minutes later. 

Death occurred as a result of a shot to the heart.

Note: no additional stimulants were administered."

I scrolled through the profiles of Michael, Vernon, and Katie. I didn't really want to read it. That's how I ended up on the last completed page. It was slightly torn at the root, but not torn out. Here I came across an entry dated the day of my trip to Los Angeles with Troy:

"Gender — female 

Age —  25

Height — 5'7 

Weight — ?

Country — Russia 

Time of death —                             "

I felt sick. This is clearly my page. Did he want to kill me and see how fast I would turn? And that was the day before we had sex... He was ready to put a bullet in my heart and record the time of death, and maybe even inject a couple of syringes with medicine. What a horror gripped me.

I wonder when he changed his mind? Has he changed his mind at all? How did I turn from his potential victim into a lover and then into a wife? What if he still wants to kill me?

Otto himself interrupted my thoughts about him. He abruptly opened the door and entered our bedroom.

"Della, I..." he paused, and his gaze fell on my hands, or rather, on what was in them.

"You seem to have forgotten to take this?" I showed him his notebook.

"Just answer me, have you read this?"

My throat was dry, but I pulled myself together and answered.

"Yes."

"To the end?"

"Yes."

"I know you're smart enough to figure out whose data it is, without names..."

"Yes, I recognized the profiles of the Trimboles. And I also recognized my profile..."

"Are you waiting for an explanation?"

"Tell me, would you really be able to kill me?"

"Dell..."

"The answer, Troy."

"Della, let me speak out! Don't interrupt! This profile, she's not for that."

"And for what then? It seems to be exactly the same as everyone before me. But you just didn't have time to kill me. Or couldn't you?" I narrowed my eyes.

"Look, I know how it looks, but it's not like that."

"If you can find another explanation for this, I'll be glad, but I don't think you can."

He walked around the room and then sat down on the bed.

"When I first saw you, something in me trembled. I didn't see your face, just your back, but for some reason you reminded me of my mother. I don't remember her very well when she was sober, but there was one moment in my childhood: it was late, I ran after her, she was doing something in the garden beds. I called out to her, and she stood up without turning around. I could see her back in a plaid shirt and her blonde hair, which shone golden in the sunset rays... I managed to get closer when she turned around. Her face looked kind but tired, she put her arm around my shoulders and we walked together to the house. It was the best moment of my childhood. And it happened exactly at the place where I met you that night. And your hair was just like hers. And your shirt... For a second, I thought you were her. That's the only reason I didn't shoot back then. But I was drunk. The next morning I thought, "Well, now I'm sober, now I can probably shoot her if I have to." But when I pointed a gun at you in the desert, I realized that I couldn't. And then I had this strange desire to see you more often, my heart started beating faster when I heard your voice... When I killed the Trimboles, for the first time in my life, I felt disgusted by what I had done. Then I thought about you. And I went to look for your car to return your watch to you. I wanted to make amends to you for my disgusting act, which you didn't even know about. Yes, I fell in love. I know it sounds okay to you. But for me it was the height of something abnormal. Then I decided that I needed to get rid of you. You've made me weak. And I really wanted to kill you! But for that, you had to be depersonalized. That's why I wrote you down in this fucking notebook, without a name, just like everyone else. Only the date and data. But when I wrote it down, I wanted to tear out this piece of paper immediately."