In your arms

May 21, 2023

M < sorry..> I whisper and she shakes her head. It's a mistake, because her scent wafts even further into the air and enters my nostrils, only to hit me directly in the gut. I have to close my eyes and swallow a few times to force myself to hold back.

C < what is it? > she whispers in turn, not understanding what it is that is holding me back.

M < I need to know things first..> I admit and Carina at that point straightens her back and resumes seeking contact only with my eyes.

C < things like what?> she asks still confused.

M < from your past..>

C < oh..> is the only line that comes out of Carina's mouth for the next two minutes. I sigh and make myself more comfortable on the couch, ending up sitting some distance from her.

M < I don't really know what either..> I say, somewhat anticipating her questions. < however, I feel that I need to know what has been going on these ten years..>

C < what has been in these ten years in what way does it affect me, you and this moment?> I shrug.

M < you always say you've changed a lot and you're not the same as you were ten years ago. You must mean that there have been some experiences that have marked you and I would like to know about them..>

C < let's take a step back.. do you want to know general things about my past? Because if so you already know everything I had to say. Or do you want to know the details of my love history?> I swallow.

M < I don't want your love record. But yes, I would like to know things..> Carina nods and even if she seems more forthcoming, on the other hand I feel like I have just plowed a mile pass between her and me.

C < if these things you say are so important why haven't you asked me all this time?> I shrug.

M < I honestly didn't think they were so important until...> I want to say "until you tried to kiss me and I went crazy with jealousy at the thought of who else might have kissed your lips without me knowing," but I hold back. I think she senses anyway, because she pinches her nose with two fingers, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. So deep that it scares me a little.

C < okay, tell me what you want to know..> she finally concedes.

M < isn't there something in particular...>

C < Maya, don't piss me off!> I snort, throwing myself back on the couch.

M < why is it so hard for you to share what was there?>

C < it is not difficult...!> she exclaims and begins to list, in a more than explanatory summary, what has been there in the ten years that have separated us. She then tells me that she dated someone else fairly quickly after I left Canada, as a nail-biting attempt. After that she had other casual relationships that lasted throughout the period during which she finished her residency, citing as her main reasons both the fact that she was very busy and focused on her studies and the fact that most of the people she met were related either to her hospital world or to the softball world, because they were friends of Lauren, my teammate who was with her friend Charlotte. Either way, she couldn't really take her mind off of me. She only succeeded, she says, when she went to live in Seattle, where she says she had a good number of people to hang out with right away.

M < did you have friends, then?> I ask really interested: this is the first time she goes into such detail with respect to her past life.