Heartbreak

Chapter 3

I decided to finally give the paper to him. I stared at it for a little while. Is this really worth giving to him? No. It's fine. I'll just give this to one of my friends to give it to him. The worst thing he can do is say no... right? Yeah. I should just stop and give it to him. Yeah.

I decided to give it to one of my friends. "Hey, would you mind giving this paper to that kid with the green backpack over there? His name's Jaycob. Can you say this is from me? Thanks." Luckily, she nodded, and said "Sure." I then skillfully walked over to Mrs. Hall.

"Can I use the bathroom?" I asked.
"Sure," she said.

I walked fast. Nearly ran. I didn't even look back. As I walked to the bathroom, thoughts raced to my head. What if he rejects me? Did he even look at it yet? It might be a bit early to start thinking about that. True, I finally said to myself.

I'm kinda scared, not gonna lie. When I went over to the mirror, I fixed the hair that Princia had braided for me so that I at least looked presentable to him. Okay. I'm ready!

Each step that I took towards the art room led to a new thought. Well, what if he rejects me? That was the most frequent one. I tried to silence myself. Oh, consciousness, will you SHUT UP? Ugh. Like, come ON. I got to the art room. For some reason I came in bursting to someone (I don't even know who, honestly), "Yo, I gave him the paper!" I said, laughing. "Emma, what are you doing?" everyone asked. Ahh, I just seem weird to them. That's fine, I said to myself, giggling. I feel so confident and happy!

I sat down and looked over at the eighth-grade table. I overheard him. "I don't know. What if I just put I don't know? Maybe I just put no. No. That would be rude." My heart froze. It stopped beating. Wait, what? Sorry. What? Then I saw him crumple up the paper and it looked like he was throwing a green paper out. Better be, I thought to myself.

I saw the eighth graders. They're laughing. How dare they! Ugh. What do I even do now? I said to myself, my head dropping and tears streaming from my eyes. I gotta stop myself. Or, at least try...

Genesis seemed like she wanted to avoid it. "Hey Emma-" I interrupted her immediately. "Damn, I feel terrible..." But she continued to talk about whatever. I didn't even pay attention, I was too submerged in grief. Grief wasn't loosening its grip on me. Will it ever? I thought. I checked the time. Damn. 3:42. Didn't take me long before I ruined my life, just like that! I tried to draw but my hands were shaking, and I didn't even feel like doing anything.

I looked back at Jaycob. He gave me a weird gaze. I couldn't read it. It certainly wasn't apologetic, which is what I wish he felt like. It seemed like he didn't even care. He then put his hand over his mouth, as if he was embarrassed. His girlfriend was looking at him. Oh, maybe he doesn't wanna disappoint his girlfriend. Understandable. Maybe that's why he didn't wanna be my friend. Would he otherwise? Nah. I doubt it. Why would an 8th grader be friends with a 7th grader? Honestly, that'd be pretty embarrassing. But I would do it if I liked a boy like that.

Damn, I'm thinking too much, I thought to myself while staring at the page. I hadn't drawn much. I only colored in a little bit, that's it. Well, I didn't feel like it. Can't force me to do something I don't wanna do, because I simply won't do it.

Oh. It's probably going to be time to leave soon. Then, I heard Mrs. Hall say that it was time to pack up. I fucked up, I thought. Oh wait, I'm supposed to act happy. I nearly forgot for a second that I was going home to my parents. Not gonna lie, my throat's feeling pretty bad after all of this. Damn. Does rejection affect people like that? If so, I'm never asking a crush out again!

As I put on my coat, or as I did anything, my actions were slowed and forced. Or, at least, that's how I describe it. A few times when I looked at Jaycob, he looked back at me weirdly. Sort of sheepishly, but I knew he didn't give a shit about it all.

When it was time to line up, I tried to hide my anger and frustration, and especially sadness, but it was tough, I'll admit. I knew I wasn't gonna put some goofy, fun smile on my face, but I didn't wanna look like a malcontent bitch either. Honestly, that's probably how I look to Jaycob. And I don't blame him for thinking that. I mean, I seem sad. Though it is because of rejection. Like I would be happy after a rejection. Duh, I would be sad!

I'm overthinking things and I know it... I thought to myself, holding the door for a second by pushing it briefly. I didn't even check to see if Jaycob was behind me. Honestly, I didn't even want to. As we walked more, I tried to straighten my face up more and wipe the tears. One of the kids asked me, "Emma, are you crying?" I wiped off some more of the tears. "No, don't worry, it's just my eyes watering. It happens to me a lot. It's really annoying." She nodded.

Phew. That was kinda tough. Sometimes gotta shit your way through things. We got closer and closer to the door where we had to leave. When we got there, I held the door for everyone. He looked at me. That's it. No thank you? I thought. Rude. Look, even Samuel's saying thank you! At least he's nice. Now, only if he looked like Jaycob...

As I sort of rushed out of school, I saw Caleb in the line behind me. Oh damn, gotta walk faster now. I walked so fast that I didn't even get a chance to look back at Jaycob. I didn't want to, really. I just wanted to hide away in a corner. Well, I can just coop up in my room like an idiot. Isn't that what I always do? I walked faster because I felt like Caleb was probably right behind me. Honestly, he probably is, I said, rolling my eyes. I looked back at Jaycob. He doesn't give a fuck, and you know that, Emma. Why are you looking back? I don't know, I said back to myself dismissively. Forget about it. Ugh.

Once the coast was clear, I crossed the street and looked back one last time. Oh, good. I walked so fast that I got rid of him! Phew. Now I can actually walk at a somewhat normal pace. I was still going fast, though. My heart felt as if Jaycob had stabbed a hole in it and drained me of all my positive energy. And now I felt a little bit sick. It's like the whole world is against me! This is insane! I finally arrived home.

Well, that was horrible, I thought while straightening up my face.

Just. Act. Normal.