Him

Chapter 2 (Zafar)

It's 4 o'clock, and I am wide awake. When did I last sleep peacefully? That's hard to remember.

I want to write more in my diary but my family arrived. They were at a function. They don't want me to go there as they know I hate socializing. I am thankful that they didn't ask me to go with them as well. I am anti-social.

I fear people. I fear their ability to hide their real selves behind their fake faces. People are double-faced.

Sometimes I think about 'him'; if he is also double-faced. He pretends to listen to me and never talks back, but what if he never showed up? What if he also never cared about me like others? Maybe he just listens to me because he doesn't care, and that's why he doesn't talk back? Maybe he never pays attention to my words?

But I shrugged my thoughts away. He is my only hope. I can't crush my hope by myself.

The alarm rings as it is Fajr time. I turned it off and put my blanket back on. I never know why my mother always sets up the alarm when she clearly knows I don't have faith in anybody. There was a time when I used to devote my time to praying, but not now. It is useless. God never listens.

I cried in front of God when he dragged me into that basement. The basement that still haunts me. Just the thought of it is enough to shake my whole body. I cried and shared my pain with God, but he never listens. Maybe I was a mess to him as well, and he just leaves me on my own.

"Farah, get up beta. It's Fajr time," my mother said standing at the door of my room.

When did she come in? Why can't I focus on things around me? Why is my brain always dead?

"Farah?" She called out again when I didn't answer.

"Ammi, I don't want to. Leave me alone," I said to her for the millionth time. I always tell her the exact thing, but she always comes here to disturb my sleep. Well, basically she doesn't disturb my sleep as I hardly do that.

"Farah, how much more will you stress yourself? Why are you becoming like this? Farah beta, we all are worried about you. Try to make improvements in yourself. If something is bugging you, then share it with us."
Here she goes again, as if I am enjoying my life a lot by doing all this. Her voice shows genuine worry, but she is asking things that I already answered. Did they believe?

No!

"Farah, at least talk to me while I am talking."

"Go and pray, Ammi, or else your prayer will be missed."

I tried to end this conversation here. She looked at me with a look that I can't decipher. Was it sadness? Anger? Sympathy? I don't know. I am bad at reading eyes.

"Okay," she just said that and closed the door, but suddenly she opened it again, and I looked at her with a questioning gaze.

"Zafar is coming in one week. I just told you so that you know."

Oh no.

No.

No.

No.

Do not panic in front of her, Farah. Hold control over yourself. Stop that shaking. She is waiting for your answer. Say something. Do not stutter.
Do not stutter.

"O.. Ok."

One word. Only one word is so hard to say. This is ridiculous; how can just one word be so hard to come out? But it is. She looked at me as if she was trying to know what was going on inside me, but I am fed up with showing them. My family is so nice, honestly. They love me a lot. They care for me.
I can't be a burden on them. They did literally everything for me, and I am just giving them stress and tension.

She finally closed the door but left the lights of my room on while going out.

She knows that darkness scares me. She cares for me, and that's why she lightened the room.

But this time, the light can't comfort me. He... He is coming in 7 days.

What should I do? How can I save myself? I closed my eyes, feeling anxiety taking over me. My eyelids are heavy with tears, and I can't breathe properly. I know I am going to pass out. I can see the black dots forming in front of my eyes. My senses are blocking. My mind stopped working totally.

Please 'dear him,' please, I beg you. Please come fast. Please. These are the last words that I managed to say before passing out.

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Hey my lovely bookies 🫶🏻💓

What are your thoughts on this one?

Honestly I am not satisfied with this one but bear with it 😭. The only goal of this chapter is that I want to show how badly she is traumatized by her past. And how desperately she needs someone who can understand her.

Please don't forget to vote.
Love you all.
Please be healthy and happy 😚✨