Him

Chapter 5 (God exists?)

"Farah are you okay?" The worried voice of Maliha reached my ears.

I hysterically looked around to make sure I was not in that basement then slowly I looked at Maliha who was walking hurriedly towards me.

"Farah, why are you crying? Are you alright?"
She asked while I tried to calm down.

"I... I'm okay"

"No you are not"
she said while engulfing me in a hug and this time I didn't flinch away, I let her hug me because I needed it more .

She was caressing my hairs and didn't asked any questions further. I feel glad about it, I really don't want to talk. I feel like a burden on everyone. I was crying silently in her arms and not for once she tried to say anything and just let me cry.

After a while I slowly got out of her arms and looked at her with gratefulness. I am genuinely grateful to have her by my side. She is younger than me but she always cares for me like an Elder sister. But I still do not share anything about my Past to her, fearing that she will also think that I'm crazy like everyone else Or worse she will leave me.

Her eyes are showing pure worry for me. I slowly stood up and she got up too.

"Are you feeling well now?" She asked.

"Yes. Thank you Maliha" I said honestly.

"It's okay Farah. Anything for you" we stepped out of the store room and seeing the lights I felt so much relief.

Light is one of the thing that I craved the most in my past. I never thought that I will appreciate the small details of nature so much someday. But here I am being happy just by seeing light, the trees, the grass beneath my feet, the sun shining brightly above my head, the blue skies, everything just seems so unreal. How I am privileged to walk, to talk, to argue, to cry, to smile, to laugh, to do anything I want. Sometimes it felt like I am in a sweet dream and once I'll open my eyes everything will be snatched away from me. I will be again thrown into that unending darkness. These sudden overwhelming thoughts brought a sense of fear inside me.

But I brushed it off for the sake of Maliha who is holding my hands protectively and heading outside the university. She doesn't deserve to be worried for me. She must stay the happy girl that she is. I don't want to become the reason of her worries.

We came out of the University when I saw Zulfisha. I know she was waiting for me. So I bid my goodbye to Maliha and walked towards Zulfi.

She looks at me and passed me a smile.
"Good day?" She asked.

"Hmm.....you can say that" I lied.

"Abbu called me. He said he will be picking us up so we should wait for him. Did you have your lunch?" At her question I realised that I forgot to have lunch in all that mess.

"Yes. I did" I lied again.

"That's great" I know she is trying to initiate a conversation with me to make me feel good maybe. But I hate it when they show sympathy to me. I don't want sympathy. It made me feel worthless, burden, attention seeker and what not.
Rather I want them to understand me, trust me, but they fail in that. And I can't blame them. My mental health of past is the reason for it.

We heard honking of the car and looked behind. As I guessed it was our father.
"Assalamualaikum" we greeted in unison while getting inside the car.

"Walaikumas salam. How was your day?"

"It was good for me. Today my teacher praised me infront of the class because of the presentation that I gave. She really liked my skill of 'public speaking' and you know what Abbu, my friend Mishal, she is getting engaged this week. We all celebrated it in the cafeteria and she paid the bill hehe"

Zulfi was talking nonstop. She was a really talkative girl and I admire her this habit a lot.

I want my little sister to live her life to the fullest and seeing her happy about small things make me happy as well. I was admiring her talking figure when I heard my father.

"What about you Farah?"

"It was okay" I replied shortly. I talk very less. Something my parents do not like about me. They want their old jolly, talkative, happy girl back. But it was just impossible for me to open up anymore, to become my old version. I heard him sighing.

The rest of the ride is silent. Nobody talks further. I was looking outside the window again appreciating nature.

Why is it so comforting?
Why this all is so beautiful?
Who made all this?

Because as far I know there is no God out  there.

If there was then why did he forget about me after sending me here on his corrupt land.

The world is still alive.

Everything is still beautiful as if someone is taking great care of it.

And if that someone is god then why didn't he take care of me as well?

He didn't forget about the world he made.

He didn't forget to give strength to the sun to be in its place.

He didn't forget to give lightning to the moon to give comfort to millions of people.

He didn't forget to give everyone a simple and decent life.

Then why only me?

Does he hate me as well?

Does he also consider me a liar?

Does he also not trust me?

But Ammi used to say that he was all seeing and listening.

Why can't he see my miseries?

Why didn't he listened to me when I screamed his name to save me?

Why didn't he help me when I cried in front of him?

Just why?

For me the answer is because he didn't exist.

The opening of the gate voice took me out of the debate I am having in my mind about whether god exists or not.

Father parked his car in the backyard and we got out of it.

I went inside a little too hurriedly because my stomach is growling out of hunger but what I saw after entering inside made me lose my appetite . My feet halted on its place refusing to move any further while my hands clutched the hem of my Abaya.

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There can be grammatical errors, if you find one please let me know.

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And lastly thank you for reading the chapter. Lots of love from the author.
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