I have a surprise. On my profile's announcement page, I have a link to a Spotify playlist where I have been compiling songs that remind me of countryhumans, as well as a Google form where all of y'all can submit songs that remind you of countryhumans, either as a whole or just a few specific ones. If I like them, they'll get added to the playlist.(If you have trouble finding it, just leave a comment and I'll give you the links)
Alaska POV
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Illinois asked again.
"Yes, Noi, I'm sure. You've met most of them, you say they're safe, and I trust you." I said, smiling slightly at him. The smile faded as I looked at the expression on his face. I turned my head away to face Washington's hands.
'Those are things you've known for years about them. Why now?' Washington signed. I paused, clenching and unclenching my fist as I thought about answering the question.
"I...I guess I feel like I've run out of excuses for not talking to them." I finally said, sighing.
"Here's one. I've never met you before and am not interested in meeting you. You aren't obligated to talk to them if you don't want to." Illinois snarked, causing Washington to elbow him before signing his agreement.
"I hate you guys," I said, causing Washington to let out an amused laugh.
"Listen, Muuka, we aren't trying to be mean. We just..." Illinois trailed off, looking over at Washington.
'We remember what you were like when you came to live with us, and we don't want you to force yourself to relive that when every time you've tried, it's only ended badly.' Washington signed.
"Joe, it's not my fault FDR was trying to get us to be friends with the USSR by sabotaging our relationship with Britain," I said, causing Illinois to snort in amusement as he smacked the back of my head with his wing.
"Ojej, stupid, it was your own idea to go and meet the USSR. No one made you do that." Illinois said.
"That helped. It decreased Adax̂'s worry during the Cold War by letting him and Soviet put together that agreement that autonomous zones and states were off limits." I said in an attempt to look on the bright side of the situation, getting twin looks of disbelief.
'Oh yeah, it decreased Dad's anxiety a lot.' Washington signed sarcastically. I flipped him the bird.
"At least this time, we aren't going to talk to Russia, right?" Illinois asked. I shook my head.
"No, Karolis, I'm not talking to Russia under any circumstances. It's never worked out well for me to interact with a Russia. They've always tried to get into my head and convince me that they love me more than you guys do. I...don't trust him to tell me the trust. And I don't trust myself not to fall for it." I said, shifting uncomfortably, wings moving to wrap around my body.
"Being aware of how Russia is will make it hard for Russia to get into your head," Washington added softly, reaching through my wings to grab my hand, squeezing it gently.
"Tėtis is aware of Britain being an abusive, manipulative fuck, and Britain can still get into his head. You're not immune just cause you're smart and aware of their behavior. Being overconfident...I just don't want you to get into a mess you can't escape." Illinois chimed in.
"'Hey Alaska, we want to come with you for moral support and to help you talk to your birth family.'" I muttered sarcastically, remembering what my brothers had said when they decided to accompany me.
"Hey, we're doing a great job of helping you out!" Illinois said, although sheepish, bumping his wing against my own as an apology.
Washington released my hand so he could sign, looking me in the eyes as he did so.
'If you aren't comfortable with us, we can leave. We won't make you make us come.' He signed. I shook my head.
"No, Joe, I'm okay with you coming. I just...let's not focus on what can go wrong." I said. I hated getting reminded of things that could go wrong in risky scenarios. While I knew it was necessary sometimes, it worsened my anxiety a lot and made it harder for me to enjoy or do things, as my brain ran through worst-case scenario after worst-case scenario. It was worse regarding my–to Russian Empire's family.
It was something I would never admit, but I felt that Illinois and Washington already knew. I was terrified about this. I was so worried that something would go wrong and I would lose...not family or friends, as I knew that we would never get to that point, but lose possible acquaintances who could understand what it was like being under Russian Empire's thumb.
Interacting with him as another nation was one thing, but being under his thumb...I pushed the thoughts–the terrible, terrible memories aside, focusing on my breathing as it sped up some. Illinois' hand was on my back, just above my wings, rubbing small circles as Washington grabbed my hand again.
"I'm okay," I said. Washington raised a skeptical eyebrow as his grip on my hand tightened some.
"No, you aren't." He said matter of fact.
"Muuka, we didn't mean to make you nervous about everything. We're just worried. But Lithuania is a great person. I can vouch for her if you want to meet her first to help lessen your anxiety." Illinois said.
"I need to talk to Finland. He was under Russian Empire's thumb, the same as I was. I need to just...I want..."
"Understanding?" Washington asked. I squeezed his hand.
"Yeah. Understanding." I said, "I want to...I want to know that I wasn't alone in my experience, and I want to know that there is someone who understands what it is like to be under the control of the Russian Empire. I don't want this tiny part of me that sounds like him telling me I'm overreacting." I said, lifting my hand to the back of my neck, the old nervous habit of picking at my feathers there coming back.
Illinois stopped my hand as he gently pushed it back down to my side, looking at me with warm eyes, eyes that seemed far too understanding. I wanted to cry.
Illinois and Washington were trying their hardest; that was obvious, especially since they knew they couldn't understand. Even if Illinois sometimes–
They disagreed with my decision to talk to Finland about our shared experiences, but they were determined to be with me anyway, determined to help because they knew the memories were too much for me on a good day.
They and their support resulted from the single greatest thing Russian Empire had ever done for me.
But I could get another kind of support.
It all mattered on the kind of person Finland was and whether there was any chance that we could know each other as more than names on a map.
YOU ARE READING
Secret States
FanfictionAmerica was the last person anyone expected to be a father. But America is a father, to sixty-nine demo-I mean angels. His kids are definitely angels. But sometimes they convince each other to do ridiculous things. That's how Texas found himself abo...
