Love Persist

Kabanata 31 - It's true that two cannot play a game without one.

Hindi ko alam kung nagtatampo ba ako o naiinis kay Professor Gil. I can't believe she dared to say those things to me after I explicitly mentioned that I was already interested in someone else. Sinabi ko nga sa kaniya para ma-curious siya at para maging interested sa dinisclose ko, pero sana pala I should've known better.

Ang tanga ko rin sa part na sa kaniya pa talaga ako nag-open up ng gano'n. Hindi ko rin mawari bakit umamin na lang ako bigla sa kaniya. Siguro ay dahil, I was so frustrated sa sarili ko, and I wanted to vent out myself sa ibang tao. Siguro dahil din, I was so pissed off kahapon dahil sa nangyari tapos hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko to be vulnerable around Ceci.

Naalala ko ulit tuloy 'yong naging pag-uusap namin sa office niya.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I like..." I paused, kaagad kong nilunok ang mga salita na karugtong. I almost spilled them out. Umiwas ako ng tingin dahil unti-unting lumiliit ang mga mata niya, na para bang she was pressuring me na sabihin ang nasa tip ng dila ko. Napigilan ko ang sarili ko and I chose to say, "Just because. Besides, I already have feelings for someone else."

After a while of complete silence, I heard the refrigerator door open and watched as she grabbed the pitcher and poured water into her mug. "And the person you like happens to not be your friend?" she asked after she quenched her thirst.

I kicked back on the couch, bringing both my legs up and hugging them close to my chest. "Yes. Pero okay naman si Ikee, e, he is nice and palagi akong nililibre ng food. Nakakainis lang kasi why does he have to like me in a different way? We could be very good friends kung hindi iba ang pagtingin niya sa'kin. What would I do if isang araw bigla siyang aamin sa akin? I don't want things to be awkward between us because we're already close to each other."

I didn't even know why I was telling her these things. Ano bang pakialam ni Professor Gil sa personal kong buhay, 'di ba? I didn't know anymore. Pakiramdam ko kasi na I can tell her anything, na lahat ng sasabihin ko ay safe sa kaniya. Hindi ko kaya na sabihin sa friends ko, e, because I could already imagine the nagging and "I told you so!" na ibabalik nila sa akin. I just wanted to be heard because it was so hard for me to process everything alone. Kapag may nasasabihan ako ng mga bagay medyo gumagaan ang pakiramdam ko.

Bakit ba kasi dumagdag si Ikee sa dilemma ko. Heto't may unresolved conflict pa nga ako sa sarili ko emotionally and personally, ngayon naman, I had to overthink about ways not to lead him on. Hindi pa umaamin si Ikee, but he was giving me signs. Hindi ako assuming, but hindi rin naman ako naive and clueless. After ng long holiday, sinundo niya ako sa bahay para sabay raw kami pumasok sa university. At first, I thought he was just being nice to me, but then it continued: at kahit sa pag-uwi, he would always wait for me sa labas ng classroom. I started to question his behavior kasi magkaiba naman kami ng way pauwi pero nag-iinsist pa rin siya. Ang pag-aaya niya rin sa akin na kumain outside ay inaraw-araw niya na. Though I can't say na may nagbago the way he treated me, I can tell na he was trying to push himself closer to me.

At kaya ako nagkakaganito, nag-o-overthink ng malala because he texted me last weekend. He asked me out to dinner, kind of like a date. Although we had been spending time together, it never occurred to me that it was actually a date. But I couldn't deny that others might see it differently. People would assume. I heard some of our peers talking about us; while other people were bold enough para lumapit sa akin para magtanong kung ano ang relationship namin ni Ikee. I wanted to get out of this mess pero ayaw kong pangunahan si Ikee kaya I was waiting for him to say something. Ngunit ngayon na nandito na ito, I realized na I was not ready—I didn't know what to do.

"Is the person you're interested in aware of your feelings towards them?"

Natauhan ako sa naging tanong ni Professor Gil. Ngayon ko lang din narealize na nakabalik na pala siya sa sofa at nakaupo sa tabi ko.