Between Life

Chapter 6: Bearing the Weight of Silence

Five years into my sister's marriage, she finally gave birth to a beautiful daughter named Felicity Meadows. My sister had been on the verge of stress, struggling to conceive and facing additional pressure from her mother-in-law. Can any of you relate to such a situation? The mother-in-law appears loving and understanding on the surface, but beneath that facade, there are always subtly delivered statements hinting at control and hidden intentions. That's what my sister has been experiencing throughout her five years of marriage. Thankfully, her husband played a significant role in helping and protecting her. He was brave enough to step in and set boundaries, making sure his mother didn't overstep her limits.

For five years, I've felt no change in myself. It's as if I stopped at a certain point, and I don't know how to start moving again.

Everyone seems to be running a marathon, starting from different points but heading towards the same goal: 'achieving the life they desire.' Yet, I don't know why I stopped.

I look around, observing people, and I realize something—what if I was never a participant from the beginning? What if I'm just a spectator? Another example could be that I'm just a supporting character helping the main cast in their stories. Yes, that might be me. Somehow, I feel like I've been running so far, but in reality, I've been running in place, seated in the spectator's section.

My sister now has her own family, and even if I were not around, it wouldn't make much of a difference for her. I look to the right, left, behind, and in front—everyone has their own homes. By 'home,' I mean someone they can lean on. I long for that, but I realize everyone already has their special someone, while I might end up alone. Because I'm always silent, never asking for help, or even daring to tell others about what I feel, I've come to realize how sad my life is. Since childhood, I've enjoyed being alone. I dislike loud noises, crowded places, preferring tranquility.

How could someone who appreciates solitude end up hating it? Now, no matter how loud I scream, how desperately I seek help, how hard I cry, or how fervently I search for someone to accompany me, it's all in vain. Everyone has left, abandoning me. I'm just this useless human being....

I don't blame others. I blame myself for getting stuck in this situation. I, who always thought I could protect myself, ended up unknowingly causing more harm to myself. I... I want to apologize to myself. I apologize to myself for being born into this world. I apologize to myself for receiving a fate like this.

I apologize to myself for just being me. So many times I wish I could apologize to myself and to those who have known me. Exhaling heavily, I ponder when I'll be happy or when my mind won't be so noisy. I've even grown accustomed to talking to myself as if I'm conversing with someone else, just because of how lonely I am. Turns out, I'm this miserable. I'm sorry.

At this age, I see my friends busy with their jobs, getting married, or even having children, while I'm still stuck in this situation. It's not progress I've encountered but rather regression. Not a single thing in my life seems to be going right. Oh, I once read that God will always test the strongest among His people. Did I sign up to be a war hero or a commander? No, I'm just an ordinary human who wants to breathe peacefully. Problems are inevitable, but why do I see so many people dealing with minor issues compared to me, who is constantly burdened with major problems? Am I selfish? Am I disrespectful? Well, once again, this is all my fault. My fault! But I never get any advantages from myself. So many shortcomings and what strengths do I have? Maybe it's just the excess fat in my body. I've become too tired, facing it all, and, without realizing it, cursing at the afterlife. Funny, isn't it?

I've also read about how we only see the outer part of people's lives, while we never really know the weight of their problems. I agree with that; indeed, some people are adept at hiding their issues and always appear cheerful and seemingly fine to others. On the other hand, some are not as skilled at concealing their problems. Take, for example, those who readily share their troubles with anyone, even with people they've just met. I often encounter people of this type, and they tend to compare whose fate is the most challenging. Humans are unique in the way their brains process emotions—how different minds think, how they cope with various emotions at different times, or even simultaneously. I find myself somewhere in the middle—capable of concealing problems but also comfortable sharing them. Well, I guess I'm navigating the middle ground.

If reincarnation exists, or if I were given another chance to live but in a different body, I hope for a life filled with many conveniences. I hope to be born into a wealthy family, so I won't have to grapple with economic issues and other troubles. I hope for a harmonious family, with a loving and loyal father to my mother and the family. I hope for a mother who is caring and speaks with gentle words, remaining faithful to my father and the family. I hope to have siblings who genuinely protect and care for me. I hope for a beautiful face and the physique I dream of, so I won't be bullied by others. I hope to be born in a comfortable environment. I hope... I keep hoping... I keep hoping for a reincarnation that may sound quite irrational. Somehow, I wish to continue hoping until one day, I decide to end it all... at my own home, when I am alone.

On that day, I decided to surrender. In the evening, I chose to end everything, putting an end to a life that should have ended long ago. I terminated my suffering, even ceasing to hope for the existence of reincarnation or another chance at life.

I am just an ordinary human who easily gives up; that's who I am, and I despise myself for it.

I didn't leave a letter or anything behind. I didn't even bid farewell to my sister, whom I hadn't seen for days. She might be sad or shocked at first, but I know eventually she'll return to her usual self, just like any person when someone they care about is gone – much like how I felt when my father and mother left. Besides, she has many places to find solace now; my absence or loss won't mean much to her.

After I hung myself, I saw my lifeless body hanging there. I gazed down and observed my hands. I was a spirit, no longer among the living. Perhaps, if I could leave a message, I would write a farewell letter that reads:

"To my last and dearest family, my sister.

Goodbye, and may we never meet again in another life."

There was nothing more I could do now. Farewell, world. Farewell, myself. I slowly closed my eyes, savoring the breeze that gently emerged and seemed to pull me farther and farther away. A cool yet forceful wind—I wondered where it would take me now.

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Hey readers!

How's everyone doing? I hope you're all doing well!^^ My wish remains the same: may you be surrounded by kindness and always have good fortune coming your way.

So far, how do you find the chapters I've uploaded? I'm totally open to any critiques and suggestions because they really help me grow as an amateur writer, hehe. :]

Any of you making guesses about how this story might end? Or perhaps predicting what twists the next chapters might bring? Feel free to share; who knows, your guesses might be spot-on! ;)

Regards,The Author