Forever Changed

Chapter 35: Progress and Problems

Angel POV

(1.5 Years Married)

T/W On page discussion of suicidal thoughts

Today was the day. In my solo session yesterday Baxter had revealed that today's couple session would cover the shooting and the aftermath. I wasn't sure how I felt. Part of me was desperate to know what he'd thought when he'd heard I'd been injured? Whether he'd had sex with Bess or anyone else that night? What would have happened if there wasn't footage proving it was his mother who insisted we leave the house that day? Did he blame me for his mother's death? These were questions that rolled around in my head almost every day and I knew I needed answers to truly move forward, but part of me was terrified that his answers might cause me to shut down again. Baxter acknowledged that it would be difficult, but felt I was strong enough to cope with the answers. He'd suggested I bring a list of questions to today's session so I could ensure I didn't get caught up the inevitable emotions and forget anything. 

Our weekly sessions over the last month had been both difficult and enlightening. We'd talked through a lot of issues. I'd talked. I'd listened. I'd cried. I'd yelled and Mattia had absorbed it all. During our session last week Baxter had quietly reprimanded me for going off topic and yelling in Mattia's face. Saying it wasn't a constructive way forward. Mattia had given him a look and said that if I needed to yell at him then I should yell at him. That he'd lashed out with his words enough times during our short marriage that it was his turn to be yelled at. Baxter had disagreed with Mattia's stance. Acknowledging that while he understood Mattia's desire to give me a space to vent my issues, he explained that if I got into the habit of yelling in Mattia's face whenever I felt angry or threatened then our relationship wouldn't improve. We'd simply swap roles and I'd become the person yelling angry words when I lost my temper. I hadn't liked that.

If I allowed myself to be honest I could see Mattia's efforts every day.  See how the work he was putting in during his own sessions with Baxter were changing him. Both big and small changes in his day to day behaviour. He was kinder to his siblings and he was slower to anger when dealing with work situations that angered him. He would still blow up on occasion but would  usually excuse himself first. He didn't lash out with cruel words when he argued with me or his siblings. When things would escalate he'd physically pause, hold his hand up and turn away or sometimes even leave the room. I knew this was all new to him and watching him work through his coping mechanisms in real life was impressive. I hadn't told him, but I was proud of him. Proud of the fact he was trying to better himself. 

He continued to be ever so gentle and patient with me. Sometimes it grated on me and when I mentioned it to Baxter he of course asked me why? I'd had to sit for some time before I could answer that question. Admitting that his kindness, his efforts to change scared me. They were softening me towards him and then my brain would sound alarm bells, remind me what would happen if I allowed him back in and he hurt me again. I'd be destroyed. I didn't want to ever return to that dark place where I thought suicide was the answer. 

Baxter's response delivered in his usual calm voice had kept me awake for hours that night. 

"It would hurt yes. But you wouldn't be destroyed Angel. You've survived more physical and emotional damage in your young life than some people experience in a life time. You would get through it. I'm confident in that and if you give yourself some credit, you know that too. My questions to you are what happens if you don't let him back in? Can you live that life for the next fifty years? Do you want to?" 

I had also learned things about myself. Learned how deeply the way I'd been raised had shaped a lot of my behaviours and coping mechanisms. How my self sacrificing personality was ingrained in me by both watching my mother's behaviour, growing up with her lessons on how I should behave, and craving my father's scarce affection. I'd been raised to believe that the only way somebody would love me, show me affection, was to be exactly as I was raised to be. I was relearning my value as a person that sat outside my role as Mattia's wife. It was enlightening and unsettling.