In your arms

February 12, 2023 - The Super Bowl' night

Thank you everyone!

I have to remind you that italics means flashback! 

February 12, 2023 – The Super Bowl' night

With the advent of the New Year, I promised myself more balance, and, all in all, I am succeeding.

The last period, with Carina's unexpected re-entry into my life, had been characterized by a lot of uncertainty and confused thoughts. At some point, however, I looked inside myself and remembered all the way I have come to be here today. Fighting with the demons of my family was not easy, making certain decisions neither. In my individuality and independence, however, I managed to build a career, a group of friends, a roof over my head, a healthy lifestyle and what I would call an average happy life, at least a peaceful one. I promised myself then, as I looked in the mirror, that I would not let anything or anyone take away the achievements I had made on my own strength alone. Forcing myself to do more physical training to avoid thinking is a completely wrong coping strategy. Going from bed to bed, trying to stifle my thoughts with sex has never been functional. So, with a lot of willpower, in the new year, I stopped. I continue to have casual relationships, because I'm not a saint and because it's still part of my "healthy" lifestyle that I've always had even before I went into crisis because of Carina. What makes the difference is that now I try to "feel" my feelings. If I have a moment of doubt, if I have some confused thoughts, I don't try to stifle them, but I stop, reflect on it, go with the flow, take what comes. If I am particularly agitated at the idea of dealing with Luke, I don't go and lock myself in the gym and risk hurting myself, but I try to stay calm, meditate or engage in other healthier activities, like cooking, for example.

This new philosophy of life of mine allowed me to succeed in maintaining a peaceful and friendly relationship with Carina, exactly as she wished. We began to write more frequently, I would say almost daily, and we often had a long phone call in the evening telling each other about the days. We have continued to avoid with a certain class the most uncomfortable conversations and certain references to the past, although Carina often enjoys teasing and provoking me. We've seen each other a few times at the station, whenever Carina has to deal with Luke, but at the same time we've seen each other with the girls on two or three occasions, for the classic girls' night out of which she now seems to be a regular component. And then, there was a few nights ago...

When the doorbell rings I raise my head in fright: I'm not waiting for anyone, it's ten o'clock at night and I hadn't even noticed. I have been absorbed in completing a puzzle and I am still wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt instead of the night outfit that usually accompanies me at this hour, except when I am working of course.

I am even more surprised when Carina appears outside my door. Her eyes are full of tears, I notice immediately, she is tightly wrapped in her coat and carrying a paper bag.

M < Carina?> I ask surprised. Tonight I lost my sense of time orientation so much that I didn't even realize we hadn't exchanged good nights yet. When did exchanging goodnights become our habit anyway? I can't dwell on it, though, because Carina seems eager to come in and be with me.

M < what are you doing here? Come, come in..> I invite her. Carina quickly shakes off the cold, slipping off her coat and offering me the bag.

C < I brought you some cookies, can you make some hot chocolate?> I squint at her first words.

M < a chocolate? Now? > I ask uncertainly.

C < now. Please, can you?> she looks at me with those tear-filled eyes and I sigh, aware that I would do whatever she asked.

M < let's go that way..> I point to the kitchen behind me, but after a few steps I realize I'm not being followed, so I turn to look at her. < what is it? >