Arnkatla's Semi Heroic Quest(s)

Smokestacks

We were able to take care of those dreadful leprechauns and take their pot of gold but one of them punched me in the nose and it bled for a while, I started to get real dizzy and Dragon told me I shouldn't have interfered but I wasn't gonna sit back and do nothing while those motherfuckers beat his ass. I didn't think I'd get seriously hurt after the Hardass Gauntlet but I guess I was wrong, I really hope I don't get messed up even more after this cuz I'm in a lot of pain and I can't wait for it to finally go away when we get the WAGED. Dragon told us that he needs to rest some more but he'll be able to fly as soon as we reach the gate that we came from, the pot of gold is levitating behind us so I don't think he'll have to carry it. It's a good thing too because it looks heavy as hell and there's no way he'd be able to carry me, Neb and the pot, it has a bunch of weird faint engravings on it that I can't really decipher which means it's probably Japanese since that's where the leprechauns are from. We just got back to the gate and we're flying back to the Forge of Badassery again, I know I said this already but I seriously hope I don't have to fight anyone tough until after I've beaten Ms. Lionfang. If I get injured any further, I definitely won't be able to fight, it took all I had in me just to stab that leprechaun with the shiv and when I saw him get right back up, I thought I was doomed for sure, thank Odin Dragon was there, I'd probably be up in Valhalla if it weren't for him. My head is starting to hurt from the dizziness so I'm gonna rest on Dragon's back as he flies, we're almost at the Forge again so I won't be able to rest for long, I'll stop making entries until after we get there to save my energy for what's to come...

"Oh, you've returned" said the mother of all badasses.

"We got the pot, was there ever any doubt?" Dragon said, handing the hefty pot of gold over to the badasses. "Actually, there was, we didn't think you could do it" said the father of all badasses he and the mother then quickly descended into the forge's cavernous entry followed closely by Arnkatla, Dragon and finally, Neb himself. The walls of the chasm were lined with smooth, polished limestone and a dim orange light had begun to radiate from what appeared to be the forge though it was far too deep for them to see clearly. "We must make a stop once we reach the planet's mantle, it's the grove of badassery" The woman said as their rapid descent beneath the earth's crust continued "yep, that's where you'll get your diploma of badassery" the man added.

I'm glad that we're almost at the end of this awful trip, it took like ten minutes of fast falling for us to reach the planet's mantle in the Forge and when we finally did, a stone platform slid out from the wall and stopped us from falling more. There was a room filled with normal sized trees and a bunch of vats filled with steaming liquids. The badasses told us that it was for bleaching the wood to make it into paper which they'll probably use to make the diploma, after we all took a step into the room one of the trees told me not to touch any of the coins on the ground. It caught me off guard since it looked like an ordinary tree to me but I didn't notice the coins on the ground so I probably would've been fine either way and before I could say anything else, the tree told me that he used to be human. I asked him how he got like that and he told me that when he was younger, he touched one of the coins and he turned into a tree because of it. I really don't see the connection between touching coins and turning into a tree but it's better to be safe than sorry so I'd better be careful not to touch any of the coins...

"Man, being a tree sucks, ya can't move, ya can't touch anything, ya can't do jack shit!" one of the sentient trees grumbled, his voice was scruffy like that of an old man despite not having vocal chords on account of being a tree. The others ignored as all their attention had been diverted to the badasses who had withdrawn a pair of silver hatchets from a polished spruce wooden dustbin. They then braced the hatchets against the bark of the tree closest to the grove's entrance and sheared off a thin layer of its bark "Ow! Piss off!" the tree exclaimed in agony. "Oh pipe down, you haven't been sheared in like, two months!" The woman said as she placed the freshly harvested bark in between a pair of steel rollers and slowly rotated an adjacent hand crank. The bark reemerged nearly completely flat sparing only a few minute lumps "once more should do the trick, I think the rollers are starting to get loose" the man pointed out. He had placed his stack of tree bark between the rollers before vigorously cranking the handle, nearly flattening the timber in its entirety; few imperfections remained. They both repeated this routine twice more before they had come to agreement that the bark had been sufficiently flattened. "Whoa, I had no idea that's how paper was made" Neb said, pointing to the recently compressed tree bark.

"It isn't, this is the most badass paper in all the land" the woman replied as she and the man simultaneously tossed the bark into one of the vats of clear steaming liquid, it sizzled loudly upon contact. Moments of loud sizzling later, a stack of paper sheets spontaneously levitated out from which they had been submerged, sporting thick black text and a dull white sheen. The text read: This badass diploma is physical proof that Dragon/Arnkatla/Neb is a certified badass, only the ballsiest of the ballsy would dare cross him/her. "And there you have it" the badasses said in unison with a bow. The diploma was different for each recipient, imbued with each of their respective names.

"Oh hell yeah! I'm framing this!" Arnkatla proclaimed excitedly as she took hold of the finely crafted diploma which was now hers to keep, eyes wide with excitement. "And off you go" the badasses said just as Arnkatla, Neb and Dragon were instantaneously transported back to the slab of limestone atop which they stood moments earlier. It hastily retreated back into the slot from whence it emerged just as the group had resumed their alarmingly fast descent into the forge at the earth's core. They plummeted downwards for what felt to them like hours before finally reaching their final tungsten lined destination. They oddly sustained no injuries upon falling. The forge smelled of heated iron and ash, the high ceiling was held aloft by towering brimstone pillars which doubled as smokestacks, each one adjacent to an oversized cast iron anvil. Bustling elves populated the space. Almost all had turned to face the group upon their arrival "I see you're certified to be here, hand me the thingamabobs so we can get started" the elf closest to them said with his arm outstretched, referring to the diploma. Arnkatla withdrew the thingamabobs from her satchel and handed them to the elf who had immediately sprung into motion, dumping the thingamabobs into a wheeled cast iron cauldron over a roaring blue fire. Within seconds, they had been reduced to a runny pale yellow fluid and the cauldron had automatically lowered itself onto a pair of glimmering titanium rails before slowly rolling towards an array of injection moulds. Another elf had rushed to align the corresponding mould with the cauldron just seconds before it had slightly leaned forwards, pouring the liquid into the mould. The other elves then each withdrew a small squeezebox smoker from their respective holsters and had rigorously brought the liquid to a sufficiently cooler temperature. The key of badassery had begun to take on a distinctive shape as its foreign metal cooled to room temperature "all done" one of the elves said before utilising a comically oversized pair of titanium tongs to hand place the key on the ground before Arnkatla.