Most colorful empire
Scott of Chromia: I'm building the most colorful empire!
Sausage of Sanctuary: Hold my beer.
Lizzie's friends and their problems
Sheriff Jimmy: Doesn't know he's a toy
God Joel: Needs constant praise and validation
Oli: Keeps dying and losing all his items
False: Someone keeps stealing from her iron farm
Pirate Joe: Keeps stealing from someone's iron farm
Scott of Chromia: Best friend is a llama
Count fWhip of Gobland: Never sees daylight
Princess Gem: Addicted to daylight
Sausage of Sanctuary: Always filling barrels with random items
Great Witch Shelby: Is always being haunted
Princess Katherine: Has too many admirers
Pix: Is surrounded by idiots
Mayor Lizzie: Is perfect
Lizzie's ocean tour
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Welcome to the ocean boat tour. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!
Ocean Queen Lizzie: All right, along the way I'm gonna be pointing out some fun attractions in and around the ancient sea. Hey, knock-knock.
King Joel: Who's there?
Count fWhip of the Grimlands: Who's there?
Lord Sausage: Who's there?
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Fish.
King Joel: Fish who?
Count fWhip of the Grimlands: Fish who?
Lord Sausage: Fish who?
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Bless you.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Okay, here's the very first stop on our tour. As you'll see, up there is the very first encampment ever built in Mezalea. King Joel clearly loves camping, but it's not for everyone. It's really intents.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: You know, King Joel has killed a lot of chickens in his time. Some say that he's now haunted by a poultrygeist.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Okay, here we have the Mezalean Matral Palace. You know, all of that red sandstone was mined from right here in the mesa. Now that's groundbreaking.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Okay, on the right here is one of our boulder attractions. You know, these rocks are pure diorite. But a lot of people take them for granite.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Okay, welcome to the jungle. I bet you're wondering how all these trees got here. Well, they just logged in.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: There's so much more of this; we're not even halfway.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Here we have some jungle wildlife. See that cat over there? She always gets what she wants. She can be very purrsuasive. If you want my advice, never challenge big cats to a race. There's always one cheatah.
Count fWhip of the Grimlands: There's an ocelot of jokes over here.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: You know, pandas have a reputation for being lazy. It's probably because they always do the bear minimum.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Okay, coming up here we have the treasure cove. This here is the treasure of Prince Azugu. Believe it or not, it was discovered by a shrimp. But he won't share any of it. He's a little shellfish.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: You might be wondering about all those pants. Well, they're to hide the booty.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Okay, welcome to Mythland port. Aw, geez! Looks like these guys got stuck with the knight shift. Yep. Uh, Mythland is a prosperous medieval empire run by Lord Sausage of House Sausage. Don't worry, I'm not going to make any sausage puns. They're the wurst.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Say, uh, what do you call medieval spy? Sir Veillance.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Last time I was here, one of these knights gave me his uniform to take home and polish. It was great! I always wanted a night in, shining armor.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: On the left here, you'll see the swamp empire. We're actually just going straight past this one because I couldn't think of any puns.
Me: She simply cod not.
Everyone: ...
Ocean Queen Lizzie: That is not a pun.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: All right, here we have a wandering trader encampment. But it looks like the trader has gone for a wander. You should wait 'till he gets back if you want to trade. Don't trade with those llamas. They'll just fleece ya.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Hey, what do you call a fast llama? A llamaghini.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Okay, sorry, that one was bad. Alpaca my bags and get out of here.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: All right, this shipwreck has been here for over two hundred years! Just let that sink in. If you look really closely, you might even see it twitching. It's a bit of a nervous wreck.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: You know, the ship was carrying a cargo of colored dyes and fifteen sheep. All those sheep dyed... but at least they all survived!
Ocean Queen Lizzie: All right, sorry, folks, that was our last stop. I was hoping to take you to visit the ancient elven library, but apparently, it's fully booked.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Oh, hey! We're back! What's up, dock?
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Uh, before you leave, make sure to check out the gift shop. You can take home a fish and put it in a tank. You have to teach it to drive one first, though.
fWhip's plans
Pix: *walks into a room to find fWhip staring at a wall with dozens of notes taped to it* ...
Count fWhip of Gobland: I wrote down all the plans we shouldn't try again.
Pix: *reading* Joel tries to seduce someone, then starts crying on command.
Count fWhip of Gobland: Works like a charm, but makes everyone uncomfortable.
Pix: *reading* Oli improvises a breakdancing number?! *reads another one* Shelby pretends to be a school counselor. *reads another one* This one just says, 'throw Lizzie at enemies like a cat'.
Count fWhip of Gobland: Oh, no, that one works every time. Put it in the 'to do' pile.
Teaching Hermes how to fly
Audio from Hotel Transylvania
God Joel: Here we go! *throws Hermes off of the topmost tower in Upper Stratos*
Hermes: *as he falls* Whee!
Joel and Sausage: *watch him fall for a few more seconds*
Sausage of Sanctuary: He's still not flying.
God Joel: He will.
Sausage of Sanctuary: Still not.
God Joel: It'll happen.
Sausage of Sanctuary: It's a tall tower.
God Joel: That's why it's good.
Sausage of Sanctuary: You should get him! He's gonna fall to his death.
God Joel: He's taking his time.
Joel and Sausage: *watch Hermes fall for a few more seconds*
Sausage of Sanctuary: *panicking* Joel!
God Joel: I did that my first time.
Sausage of Sanctuary: *panicking* He's getting too close to the ground!
God Joel: You know what, he's not gonna fly. *swoops down to rescue Hermes who had the most fun time falling*
How fWhip and Sausage met
Teacher: *pairs fWhip and Sausage together for a group project*
fWhip: I don't know why they paired us up together.
Sausage: Yeah. I know we have nothing in common.
fWhip: We should find the people who did this.
fWhip and Sausage: And curse their families and watch as misfortune follows their bloodlines for the next seven generations!
fWhip: Okay, I see it now.
The Pixlriffs recap
Impulse: *loudly plays the Hermitcraft Recap music*
Grian: This week, on Empires. Pixlriffs is excited to see his hosts for the day!
Pix: *just as the loud music cuts out* Oh, good.
Grian: Pixlriffs is running through his contraption; trying to pretend like this isn't happening!
Pix: Nightmares, nightmares about it, constantly.
Grian: Pixlriffs looks directly at his hosts and says something!
Pix: Mostly I can't hear you over the music, which, to be fair, pretty normal for the recap.
Grian: This recap has bad audio mixing. We're still learning, it's a brand new one. It's called the Hermempires Recap.
Pix: The Hempir- Hermemp- What are we even calling this?! What is this? What is this thing?
Grian: Impulse, you've got to play us out.
Impulse: *plays outro music*
Grian: This week, on Empires. Grian and Impulse are leaving! *starts to leave* Pixlriffs is not amused by this joke.
Pix: Oh, I'm absolutely amused by it.
Sausage summons a demon
Sausage of Sanctuary: *drinks one too many mojitos and summons a demon while drunk*
Demon: You have no idea what you just did, mortal. *possesses Sausage and goes into his mind*
Everyone: ...
Demon: *jumps back out of Sausage's mind looking terrified*
Sausage of Sanctuary: Did you have a fun time looking around in there?
Demon: ... You have a lot of trauma in there.
Sausage of Sanctuary: Oh, what you saw wasn't even half of it! You're not the first demon to get in my head. You should've seen what happened to the last guy.
Demon: *panicking* I'm unsummoning myself!
Is Lizzie a glass half-full or glass half-empty person?
Pix: Do you see yourself as a glass half-full or glass half-empty kind of person?
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Half-full, definitely. Half-full and constantly rising. Soon the water will escape its container and consume us all.
fWhip's a failure
Scott: Hello, my name is Failure, and you're watching my life crumble into pieces. *waves his finger and sings like he's in a Disney Channel intro*
YOU ARE READING
Empires SMP incorrect quotes
FanfictionEven though it says this book is completed, I will actually be posting whenever I feel like it. I just don't know how to end a book that could go on indefinitely... So anyway, this book will have quotes that the Empires SMP members actually said, st...
