In your arms

December 23, 2022

M < I wash, you dry?> I ask and she gives me a gentle push with one hip.

C < no, the opposite..> she decides surprising me, while grabbing the sponge.

M < how many things change in ten years..> I joke and she grins.

C < it's just because I don't know where to put the drying things...!> she replies, winking at me. I barely smile and we remain silent for a few moments. I try to spin the wheels of my brain as fast as possible to look for a topic of conversation and not let these moments spent together become super awkward, but I can't find any words. My luck in this case is that I can always count on her.

C < what's Andy's story?> she breaks the silence and I am left with a pan to deglaze in my hand, which I was about to stick in the sink for her, a little surprised by the question.

M < what do you mean? >

C < even a few nights ago, I understood that she has this super family, even a little bit problematic, but super close, but her story is what? Does she have a partner? I feel like there's a strange tension with Robert, was that his name?, when I first came here?> I laugh.

M < yes, even though we all call him by his last name..>

C < and why isn't he here anymore? But do you confirm the tension?> I laugh.

M < Carina, the gossip queen..> I tease her, before explaining that they actually had a two-year relationship a while back. There was great tension, then smoothed out, but now he's gone so he can be together with our boss, which is not possible if you work in the same district.

C < this place is worse than a hospital..>

M < in the sense that everyone has slept with everyone?> she nods. < sometimes it can be awkward, yes..>

C < and after that Andy stayed single?> I sigh.

M < do you remember when she came to visit me in Canada, that she was super in love with this guy, our friend??>

C < yes, of course, all she did was talk about him!> she remembers.

M < they got together that summer and were together for a long time, with constant on-and-offs, until she broke up with him for good because, according to her: Ryan wasn't doing anything to make the relationship serious and permanent. She then had this inexplicable, in my opinion, love at first sight for Robert, as you call him. When she broke up with Robert, because they were living together, of all the doors she could knock on for hospitality she went to Ryan. She says there was nothing between them, but it's clear that they were trying to rebuild something...> I pause in the telling and realize that Carina had basically stopped doing the dishes only to look at me and listen better to the gossip.

C < and then what happened?> she insists and I give her a sad smile.

M < then he died..> I conclude and Carina escapes an "oh" from her lips, which makes me want to hold her close to me.

C < I'm sorry..> she whispers, before shaking her head and going back to doing the dishes. < was he a firefighter too?> she inquires after a few moments of silence and I deny it.

M < policeman..he died in the line of duty..> Carina nods. Silence still falls between us and this time I'm the one who breaks it.

M < what are you doing for Christmas?> I inquire and she shrugs, smiling.

C < nothing...I stay home alone...I don't even have a shift..> she is silent for a moment, then in a whisper, as if talking to herself, she says. < maybe I'll ask someone with kids if they want a change..> I smile, watching her talk to herself.

M < aren't you seeing Luke?> I ask and she looks at me strangely.

C < you work, no?> now I'm the one looking at her confused.

M < yes, but starting at 8 p.m.?!> and I realize I've just made a gigantic ass of myself. I am about to press myself to say something, but Carina bursts out laughing. I look at her even more confused.

C < so did she bullshit me?> I shrug and Carina laughs again.

M < is that funny?> I inquire. < I thought it was one of those things that people usually get pissed off about?> Carina slowly stops laughing.

C < it makes me laugh, because it's obvious he's going to his parents then...and maybe he thought telling me meant I wanted to crash...too bad that's the last of the places I'd want to be!> I smile, feeling a sense of satisfaction makes its way through me.

C < and so what are you doing for Christmas?> she inquires.

M < nothing..> I shrug my shoulders.

C < your parents?> I sigh.

M < I don't talk to my father anymore..> I admit. < and as a result I see very little of my mother. This year she warned me that they are going to visit relatives in Colorado anyway..> she nods, turning a strange smile on me.

C < your brother too?> I laugh.

M < no. My brother is long gone. He's been living in Europe for six/seven years, he's an art teacher..>
C < and you don't talk to each other anymore?> I nod.

M < yes, we try to hang out as much as possible...but we never had an extraordinary relationship..> she nods. Silence peeps out between us again and lasts longer this time, basically until we finish our "homework". As long as I had my hands full I was able to keep my mind and tongue in check, but now that I watch her wipe her hands dry, I talk that I might realize it.
M < do you want to come over for Christmas? > Carina freezes and looks at me surprised.

C < at your?> I nod, trying to look convinced, while inside I'm shivering like an autumn leaf.

M < yes, if you like...?> Carina stares into my eyes for a while, then begins to shake her head.

C < it's okay, Maya...I'm used to it..> and she doesn't finish the sentence because Ben shows up in the room and asks us to come downstairs, that the cleaning time is over and we have to enjoy the party with the others. We both smile and follow him, but I carry the somewhat bitter taste of rejection.