Runaway

Chapter 18: Alone

I've been with Coco ever since we were born. Proud na proud pa si Mama kapag ikinukuwento niya 'yon na umbok pa lang si Coco sa tiyan ni Tita Jae, lagi na raw kaming magkasama. Hindi pa kami marurunong magsalita at maglakad, naka-prepare na ang kasal naming dalawa.

Before we graduated from college, I'd already embraced the idea of our marriage because it was the family's decision and we couldn't do anything about it.

But it was only the marriage idea I'd accepted. The wedding preparation was a total mess. Umpisa pa lang, hindi na ako komportable sa kung bakit nila kailangang madaliin ang kasal.

I felt bad for Coco and how our wedding ended. They all know that he is not just a man I should marry. He's my friend. And I lost a friend at that moment when I was forced to leave him.

It's been eight years since I last slept beside him. It was a strange feeling to me, as if I were sleeping with a stranger with an existing familiarity with him.

Wala akong idea sa oras pero sigurado akong nagbibilang na lang ako ng minuto para sa pagsikat ng araw. Nakahiga ako nang lapat ang likod sa malambot niyang kama habang titig sa ceiling. Alam kong hindi pa siya natutulog. Pareho lang din kasi kami ng posisyon—parang mga patay na handa nang iembalsamo.

Ang daming umiikot sa utak ko ngayon pero hindi ko alam kung worth it bang i-verbalize. I was thinking that if I said it out loud, what would be the benefit to me?

Sobrang bagal ng mga minuto. Naghihintay na nga lang akong dalawin ng antok nang biglang magsalita si Coco sa gitna ng katahimikan namin.

"Walang galit sa 'yo, Ram. Kung iniisip mong galit silang lahat sa 'yo—hindi."

Napahugot ako ng malalim na hininga sa sinabi niya.

"It was never your fault."

Palihim kong kinuyom ang kaliwang kamao ko habang pinananatili ko ang kawalan ng emosyon sa

mukha.

"Divine said if I'd received half-hearted love, then I don't deserve that love at all."

Ang pait ng tawa ko. "And you really thought that you didn't deserve what I could only give?"

"I thought that you didn't deserve to be forced to give me what you didn't want to give. I wasn't asking for half-hearted love. I didn't ask for anything at all. Alam mo 'yan. But I never wanted you to give me what they think I need, even if I never asked for it. Alam ko rin namang hindi mo ibibigay ang ayaw mo naman talagang ibigay."

Hearing Coco explain now made me realize that he wasn't the Coco I knew eight years ago. Everything really has changed, and it was making me feel bad.

"No'ng hinayaan kitang umalis . . . naisip kong ganoon nga lang siguro ako kadaling iwan. Naisip ko ring baka hindi mo talaga gustong makasama ako kaya hindi na rin kita sinundan."

Hindi ko na naiwasang sumagot dahil sa sama ng loob. "Saan sa sinabi kong 'babalik ako' ang mahirap intindihin?"

Hindi siya nakasagot.

"Eight years at wala kang narinig sa 'kin?" sumbat ko na naman. "Why don't you ask your cousins? Tanungin mo sila kung ilang beses kitang hinanap sa bawat bakasyon ko rito at tanungin mo rin sila kung ilang beses silang hindi sumagot ng kahit ano tungkol sa 'yo. Nakaka-disappoint lang na ang daming paraan para puntahan ako, pero hindi mo kahit kailan ginawa. Kung nagagawa ni Cali, bakit ikaw, hindi?"

Hinihintay ko siyang sumagot, kahit ipaglaban man lang niya ang side niya. Pero kahit isang depensa galing sa kanya, wala akong nakuha. Hindi ko na alam kung saan pa ba ako madidismaya.