Luna's fight with Anorexia Nervosa (true story)

15

August 2010, 13 years old
POV Emily

Naomi and I are trying all kinds of ways to get Luna to talk again. Luna is doing better, these days she comes to sit with us when we're doing something. Today we're looking at old photos. The box of pictures is standing I'm between Naomi and me. Luna is sitting in a corner of the couch. Fortunately, the medication she takes seem to be helping. At least she doesn't stand all day long anymore.

'Look how cute.' Naomi has a picture of Sam when he was a puppy in her hands. 'This one then.' On the picture is Naomi at the age of 4 with her hair tied up like some kind of palm tree. The sitter did our hair and then took a picture. Naomi laughs. 'Now that's abuse. Dad used to do that too.'

'Look at this, Lun.' I push the picture under her nose. Luna wants to push the picture away, but looks anyway. Suddenly hare face changes. She starts laughing and doesn't stop. 'Well okay, that's really cute.' Naomi and I are laughing along.

Joyful relief flows through my chest. 'Lun, you're laughing.' I put my arms around her and Naomi joins in. Behind my back I can hear mom let out a sigh of relief in the kitchen. Finally. Luna is laughing again.

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September 2010
POV Luna (diary)

13 September
I'm so sick of it.
I'm finally drinking by myself, which is super difficult for me because I'm not sure yet if I'll keep doing it.
Then I only get criticism that I have to drink faster and bigger sips, blah blah blah.
I'm just sick of it.
Everyone said that they would be proud of me but it really isn't happening.
It's never good what I do.
And I haven't been good enough my whole life and that's one of the reasons I stopped eating and I'm still not good enough here.
I don't get this shit treatment, I mean whatever we do here, it's never good.
And I just don't trust y'all at all anymore; not after the clinic admission, not after Hannah said she wouldn't let me go if I drink by myself but today she was mean and didn't even come to me.
And I'm tired of doing nothing right, not for my parents, not for my friends, not for myself, not at day treatment.
Here I found out what I thought I was good at: losing weight, I'm not even the best.
The others are 10 times thinner than me, which makes me feel even fatter between all the thin girls.
And then I also have to go eat in the group which I really don't do with a refusing Amelia, Hazel, and Audrey and a horrible atmosphere.
And they always complain about taking too long to eat.
I'm drinking, be happy about it.
I' never do things right.
And I don't wanna be here on Monday's and Tuesday's.
It doesn't help me, it only motivates me to to back to refusing, what I was almost planning today.
Let me go to school, it can't get any worse.
I'm just sick of that shitty treatment.
And I want another mentor.
I don't want to talk to this one.
I mean I need to get better here and I don't have the courage to stand up for myself, which I did during the evaluation, but then all the anger from half a year ago just came out.
And I'm really just going back to school next week and I don't wanna be in that fucking wheelchair anymore because my urge to move only gets worse when I'm not allowed to move. 
And then my mentor with her comment whether I like taking so long to eat and sit at the table.
What do you think?
That I'm sitting here because I like to eat?
I never do it right and I'm just  so sick of that.
I just hate it here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanna do fun stuff too but I just can't because I don't trust y'all with that weight.
Y'all just gonna make me really fat, look at how Olivia came out and y'all said I'm gonna hear how my weight is.
But I don't hear anything about whether I'm losing weight, stable or gaining weight.
And I also want a good psychiatrist.
That happens to be important to me, because that's something different from a psychologist.
I want one that is outside my treatment but can really help me.
And the suicidal tendency is also increasing again.
What do I do, I also wanna be good enough and I want another mentor and psychiatrist and go to school and love, I just don't know anymore!!!!!