Luna's fight with Anorexia Nervosa (true story)

14

August 2010, 13 years old
POV Piper (luna's friend)

My dad is giving a party for his birthday. All his friends are here, also Coen with his family. I've known them for years, they come to us quite often but today I'm a bit nervous to see them because Luna is quite ill. I shyly look at the tube in her nose.

Luna looks pale and withdrawn. Quietly she sits in a corner of the couch while everyone else talks. I walk towards her. 'I get to operate the bar tonight. Do you want to help me?' She looks up surprised. 'Yeah sounds fun. I've never done that before. Have you?'

The party is in full swing. Luna and I are making one drink after the other. Luna is wat better at it than I am. I fail constantly. We laugh every time when a drink fails and splashes everywhere. Luna laughs loudly when the beer lands on her mother when she comes to look.

We talk about school and hockey. Luna's team played against my team once last year. Her team won. 'We will win next year.' I say with confidence. Luna's face gets a sad look. 'I'm afraid I can't play after the summer with my team.'

I flinch. How stupid of me. She is too weak to play if course. 'Sorry,' I say. 'Then you'll just come to cheer me up. And you'll see, before you know it you're back in your team.' After the party we agree to hang out soon. 'Sleepover during fall break?' 'Deal.'

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POV Luna (from her diary)

15 august 2010
Dear mom and dad,

I'm writing another letter because I don't want to disappoint you.
I still feel very guilty, disappointed, sad, alone, abandoned, unimportant and pressured but I'm also scared, angry and tired.

I feel lonely because I have to do this all by myself and I don't really have anybody.
I feel abandoned because you're there but not really.
And when I was back in the hospital I was alone the whole time again.
You always came for a little while and the rest of the day I was all alone.
And that you're not helping me anymore now that I'm back in day treatment.
I'm still going Monday and Tuesday because it's too late to cancel now but after that I'm never going again.
The only thing I know for sure now is that I only feel worse there and my eating gets worse there and you know that and then you don't even help me so I don't have to go there anymore.
Because I'm too scared to do that myself because I'm scared to talk.
And I'm also afraid that if I start talking again you'll think: things will be fine again.
And then y'all drop me again and no one understands me and I'm just not allowed to talk.
I'm sad because of everything I have to do and that I've to gain weight and I'm trying so hard and get nothing in return.
I can't handle gaining weight.
Because Hannah said I'm not gaining weight now because my eating list was lowered and I'm accepting my tube because of that, but if my eating list increases I'll lose my mind.
I just don't know if I want to get better if I have to gain for it.
And overthinking all day makes me so sad.
And last Friday we had a group session about not being allowed to stand and about the mood in the group and then someone said: 'and I also think it's stupid that Luna doesn't talk.'
That makes me so sad because I can't help it.
I'm afraid everything will go wrong after this.
I'm scared because I don't know what I want: to get better or to be thin, so I'm in control and good at something.
I'm also afraid that if I get better soon it also means I'm fatter, because being better also means being fatter and I don't want that.
I'm constantly overthinking about this.
I'm also afraid to go back to my old life, hanging out with friends, going to school and playing hockey.
Everything is so scary.
But I also don't like going to day treatment everyday and not seeing anyone anymore so I don't know.
I'm also very scared of school and I haven't even bought school supplies but I don't dare to because I don't want to go to school at all.
And I'm also scared to do things like going to the city for a afternoon or meeting up with friends.
I feel unimportant because I feel like I'm not really important to you.
Because I never do things right I feel pressured.
Now I also have to drink water by myself and that I have to get better and that I must write a letter.
I'm disappointed with how things are going and I keep disappointing everyone, I just wanna do everything right for everyone.
And I still hope for surprises.
But I don't dare to ask for that myself because I definitely don't want to complain.
I'm angry with all that's happening.
Like how I had to go to the clinic.
I'm just losing my mind and I don't know how to do this anymore, I don't know what I want.
Tired of not knowing what to do and walking around with this for so long.
Because I remember when I was 11 I didn't eat breakfast before hockey and that felt good.
Now I'm forced to eat, which is very difficult and I haven't had vacation at all and then I have to go to school in a bit which I don't want at all.
But otherwise I sit at day treatment everyday and never see my friends and I'm alone everyday.