Luna's fight with Anorexia Nervosa (true story)

7

May 2010, 13 years old
POV Luna (from her diary)

12 may 2010
Today is my birthday but I'm not excited for today.
They woke me up singing this morning and then I had to come to mom and dads room.
There was a new printer for me under their sheets.
I'm happy with it but it wasn't the gift I was hoping for.
I also got a few gifts that I already knew I would get and then mom gave me shoes from Replay.
Mom liked them a lot but I didn't.
I didn't dare to show it because then I feel guilty.
I've said an written so many times that I want Vans or All Stars.
I'm already the youngest at day treatment and with Replay I would stand out even more.
Then I feel even more insecure, uglier and uncomfortable.
During breakfast they left me alone after a while and that made me sad.
It gave me the possibility to drink a lot less milk than what's on my eating list, but I usually manage to drink milk anyway.
After that I stayed in my room for a long time because I felt sad.
I also didn't know what to wear yet either.
I feel uncomfortable in a lot of clothes and a lot what I have is too big.
Why does no one ever tell me I look good?
I'm too scared to go shopping either.
I would like to order from Abercrombie's site, then I'm also not sure if I'm comfortable in those clothes, but at least it's my style.
But I'm too scared to ask because then I'll feel guilty and I don't want them to think I'm whining.
Because I couldn't choose, dad grabbed some clothes for me, but I felt very insecure in them.
So I went to day treatment very sad and it wasn't a fun day either.
I feel so young and alone there.
Hannah my mentor keep saying if anything happens I can come to her and talk to her anytime but I can't do that.
There was no therapy today so we went to the cinema with day treatment today.
The movie was fun but I really felt I was the youngest one there and it made me feel so alone.
We had to eat our afternoon snack by ourselves during the movie.
Everyone did it but I threw it under my chair.
I just couldn't eat.
I went to the dietician with Hannah at 5.
I almost bursted into tears but I was too scared to do so.
They asked and said very confronting things, but I was afraid to answer honestly.
My eating list has increased significantly.
I'm not happy about that.
I had to eat warm food for the first time because of that list today.
It tasted not good and I found it very difficult.
When I came back mom had bought me a dress and blazer for grandma's funeral.
I like to blazer but it's to big and I feel insecure in it so I'm still thinking about if I should wear it.
Suddenly my friends walked into my room, surprise!
After that they all went to eat pie and candy, but of course I didn't want that.
It was a lot of fun but I was very sad at the same time.
My uncle, aunt and niece also came to visit.
I didn't feel myself with my friends, but I never feel myself really.
I acted happy and laughed, but I didn't feel like that.
Later in bed I felt very sad.
I would like to talk to someone from day treatment but I'm too scared to ask.