Who Moved My Heart

Chapter 8

I was fascinated with everything about this guy- what fluttered me the most was his energy. I loved his positivity. His golden heart was priceless. It was just prodigious. Every time I see him, it's like I met him for the first time.

 I treasured every moment with him like it was my last time. His humbleness, unpretentiousness, and everything else he was giving; I didn't want to let that go. But I still knew what was right and wanted to respect myself, not look at what somebody else would have done. 

God knows I wanted him as clear as daylight. I desired everything about him. I would have stood before the world and accepted his marriage proposal. That's how I felt. I did not want him to come with someone else, and I didn't want any regrets. 

Hurting him was not my intention, but it was bound to happen if I kept on the same road I was going, and I didn't want to be that person. But there is nothing I could have done if I wanted to do what was right for me. 

It was about my kids' happiness, and when I saw what my kids went through when I separated from my ex, I was not going on that road again, but he insisted that there was nothing there anymore. 

I could not understand how I felt and saw the situation in his head one day. I was like, bro, get this in your head quickly because you are kidding me over here. It was clear to me and others that he had no intention of returning but took care of his responsibility. 

Still, his ex was not having that, and he was this genuine guy who always tried to see the best in the situation, so even though I was trying to tell him I was uncomfortable, he was bent and held that they were co-parenting. 

Then he accused me of being scared, building a wall around my life, and not letting anybody touch or give me the life I deserved.  He's in the same situation. I was like, in my mind, I'm saving us both from a divorce and heartache because this situation is not how you are looking at it. 

We are going to have problems, and I'm not going to get a divorce or have to start all over again. I didn't have the energy or the time. In this high tone of voice, I spoke to him, expressing my fear and concern about dating multiple partners, so when I met my husband, I had to explain why I had dated so many people. 

That was my answer to him. I wanted to wait on God's signs, I replied. He then said to me, "I don't understand." Then I told him, "I want to be a woman of value, so when I get married and in a relationship, again, the person must be proud of what they have in me and my accomplishments."  

He then said I admire everything about you. I am with someone who values me for who I am. So, at that moment, I told him, "You and my kids are two of the reasons I get up and fight so hard every day, he smiled, then came closer and told me you're who you are. 

You confront all your doubts and admit your weaknesses. You don't let anything stop you. You're so full of life! You're a force. You always wear your heart on your sleeve, and the best version of my life is to have a woman like you by my side. 

I then replied it's what I want most in the world.  I want to be the woman who carries your last child; I'll be there to hug you when you have a long day at the office. I want to see my child in you and see you in my child. I explained to him how madly I was in love with him.

I said I wanted you so bad that, at this very moment, I would give up anything to be your wife; he then softly replied I wanted you to know that I didn't want anything more or less out of you. So, I pulled myself back to see how he would have reacted without my presence. I was not answering my calls. I just wanted to know the outcome, but it wasn't what I expected. He was angry and devastated, just thinking I was the worst person.