Scars (Ziam)

Author's Note

Hello everyone!

I know, I know. "It's been 84 years...," but I am back! I want to let you guys in on some things that I've been dealing with and going through during my very long break.

Quick trigger warning: talk of mental health and self-harm. Please read carefully or just skip the author's note altogether if you wish! Just stay safe. xx

First off, I had some mental stuff that I had to deal with. I am still not entirely at 100% or anything, but I am better than I was. I have had repeated low points, and I have relapsed a few times with self-harm. Currently I am around 2 months clean, and it is very hard to maintain, but I am a little proud of myself for doing so. For anyone else out there on a similar journey or struggling, I hope that you can fight through it, too. All of you are amazing and stronger than you know.

I've had many, many days where I have felt unmotivated to do anything at all, including just getting out of bed. Basically, I am my family's sole provider for everything meaning I pay all of the bills, buy all of the things we need, and still struggle to live paycheck to paycheck for them. I work two jobs and am currently taking 4 college classes. I never really have any off days unless I specifically request them off, but taking a day off means losing out on money.

My motivation, for the most part, has been to continue on because my family would be in serious trouble if I were to just give up. I have had thoughts of giving up entirely, but I am still here and breathing. Mainly for my family, but I am planning on making my first therapy appointment soon because I think I am reaching a point where I want to actually love life and where I want to actually start living. Feelings of loneliness and guilt and self-loathing are constants in my life, and I am working towards breaking those patterns, but it is very, very difficult to do.

Other than the mental stuff, I have also had a minor medical issue. I won't really go into detail, but just rest assured that it's not a serious issue at all, and it is actually very manageable. Now that I know what it is, too, I feel a bit better about it. It stops my anxious mind from thinking up the worst possible outcomes.

On the brighter side, I have been working on writing a novel that is not a fanfiction. I am participating in National Novel Writing Month for November, and I am so excited about the story I am writing. I may even post it online sometime after finishing it up, but this is just a first draft stage at the moment.

I think those are all the main points without going into every single detail. Just know that I am doing better than I was. It's still pretty hard to keep up with everything, but I have my passion back for writing at the moment, and I hope it stays! I really did miss this and all of you.

Thanks so much for still reading and still being here if you are.

Lots of love! xx