Frankie Jones
Harry came here last night, but I was in no state of mind to have him stay over, so I couldn't let him.
I don't know what my issue this weekend has been, I feel like I've been so in my own head and it's driving me insane. Between thinking too deeply about my life and career, and Harry drawing the worlds I love you on my back, my mind has just been all over the place. It's a new day though, a new week and I just need to focus on getting these records, and I'll be fine.
I drove myself to the training grounds today, for the first time in a while. It was strange not having Harry sing my ears off to some cheesy music, but it was also nice to just drive in silence before a day full of stress and hecticness.
Harry and I got straight into it, I think he could tell I wasn't in the mood for small talk and gossip. I warmed up till my legs were aching, and did all the drills we'd usually do a million times more. The first two hours are always warm up and drills,then we go into the running aspect of it all. Usually we'd take a little break but I didn't want to, I felt like I couldn't.
I started with the 100, but I wasn't getting closer to the record, well, not close enough for me, so I moved to the 200 and that seemed to go better. I was getting there, these records are within arms reach and I won't stop until I get myself there.
'Time?' I asked Harry, falling to the ground after launching myself across the finish line. My legs feel like jelly and my mind felt like it was all over the place, I was praying this was close to what I wanted.
'Literally milliseconds off.' Harry said, crouching down. 'You're there.'
'Fuck!' I groaned, more frustrated with myself than I ever have been.
'Frankie, what's wrong?' Harry asked me.
'Nothing.'
'Frank-'
'Nothings wrong!' I cut him off, sighing and standing up again. 'I need water.'
I walked over to the bench to grab some water, my legs still felt like absolute jelly but I didn't let on because Harry would just say that it's too early in the day for that. I don't know what's wrong with me either, today feels no different to the past few and I just can't help but feel like I'm absolutely all over the place.
Maybe training excessively helps distract me from everything I can't stop thinking about; the olympics, these world records, but mainly the fact I think I've fallen in love with Harry and I don't know what to do.
I can't be who he wants, or who he deserves right now. I can't do that for him and so I won't put him through it, it's unfair. I'm not emotionally ready for all of that right now and it drives me crazy because I can't comprehend why.
Harry wandered over, a concerned look on his face as he sat down next to me, his cap shielding his eyes from the sun. I couldn't look at him, the nerves in my stomach were too much. I don't know why I'm horrendously anxious today, or why I pretend I'm not by overworking myself. I convince myself Harry doesn't know me but sometimes it feels like he can read my mind and I don't know whether that's good or bad.
'Frankie, what's going on? Harry asked me, his voice gentle as he placed a hand on my knee, I pulled my leg away though.
'Nothing, fuck.' I sighed, resting my head in my hands as the sound of my heartbeat started to echo in my ears. 'Nothing.'
'Darlin, talk to me.' Harry spoke, turning slightly to face me and place his hand on my back. 'I'm right here.'
It was too much now, the anxiety. I usually only ever get like this before a race of mine. The panic attacks only come moments before a race, or the day of one, never randomly on a random Monday while training. I couldn't breathe and my heart was beating so fast that I was worried this wasn't a panic attack.
