Hot & Heavy (Eren x Reader)

Chapter 50 - Memory of You

You were next to him now, leaning your back on the bed that you shared. At this point, a version of you in the past would have stopped before any difficult admission. You would have leaned your head on Colt's shoulder and he would have tilted to kiss you, affirming all the wonderful things you had just said. His kiss would have grown into busy hands and tumbles on the bed and uncontrollable sighs. And tomorrow, nothing would have changed. Life would continue as normal.

That normal life you had grown so accustomed to seemed so foreign to you now. Your mind questioned why, your heart knew the reason. "...Despite how much I've changed, despite how much love you make me feel, I'm always drawn back...to him. Every pathway I've taken leads me back to him. To Eren."

You thought that this difficult admission would bring a shift in the air, that it would grow cold and distant. But nothing changed. Maybe you had always felt this way and maybe Colt always knew.

"He's your first. I understand. He's more important."

"Colt, I'm sorry."

"You're my first. I understand."

In all the books you've read, the television shows you watched, and in nearly every movie, you never understood how anyone could fall in love with two people. Being young meant love was only meant for one. Growing up meant your heart made room for more. There was nothing you could do to make it smaller, to hurt him to make it easier, to make him hate you, to make you hate him.

"Are you going to stay here?" Colt asked.

Maybe in some fantasy, alternate universe, your answer would have come easier. But you had a whole life that pulled you back to Marley. A job, a lease, a pile of responsibilities, a mountain of mess you'd have to clean up.

"No, of course not. I can't just make a change like that so drastically."

"But what you're saying is that you eventually would change- stay here I mean."

"I can't answer that yet," you sighed. Heart, mind, want, need. They were all pulling you in different directions. You couldn't believe that Colt hadn't left yet.

Colt nodded. He understood better than you did. "I'm never going to force you to do anything, Y/N. I can never expect that you'd ever forget about him."

You could tell that he was mincing his words and fighting with his heart, his mind, his wants and needs. It reminded you of yourself and made you feel protective, almost to a fault.

"If I asked you to stay with me a little longer, would that be too much? I feel like I still need you." Colt leaned his head on your shoulder, mirroring the way you used to cling to him.

"Okay, I'll stay with you." You never uttered that it was a promise or for how long that would be. It already felt like there was too much heartbreak in one night. In an almost cruel way, your mind wondered how Mikasa and Jean were. After all, you had told yourself that they were the reason why you came back to Shiganshina in the first place. You of all people knew that lying to yourself for that long would never work out.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The next morning you were all packed up. Your suitcase held every outfit you wore this weekend, they all felt dirty and riddled with secrets woven deep into the fabrics. You stood in the hotel lobby waiting for Hannes and your mother who offered a ride to the train station. Your eyes felt heavier than usual at this hour. Maybe from the bright morning sun, maybe from your lack of sleep due to an endless conversation.

You spent the rest of the fleeting twilight lying with Colt, talking to him the way you used to. It reminded you of when you first started dating. It made you all the more guilty for the way you felt so distanced.