EIGHTY EIGHT DAYS

CHAPTER 9. REDEMPTION

*Author's note: This chapter contains mature language and adult situations with references to sex.

I no longer dwell on the past like I used to. I instead reflect, try to make amends with the ones I've hurt, resolve my feelings, and then move on with my life. Writing my feelings down in my journal has been so therapeutic for me. It has allowed me to learn from my mistakes, embrace my feelings, and ultimately grow. I'm only human, and no matter how hard I try, I'm going to continue to make mistakes. But as long as I'm able to recognize that, that's half the battle. I'm proud of myself for how far I've come in such a short time.

As hard as we may try, sometimes a situation or a person comes along that tests us. My person is Erica, and the recent situation was the party in Malibu. After that horrible confrontation with her and her friends, my relationship with Dylan was, to say the least, strained.

All I wanted to do now was go climb back into bed, pull the covers up over my head, and cry myself to sleep. I'm not a horrible person; I was just trying to impress the crowd, but somehow, all I managed to do was show how immature I was and embarrass myself and Dylan in the process. I had broken every rule I had made for myself when I came out here. I had no idea how I was going to get myself out of that mess and make things right. All I knew was that I was going to try.

Climbing back into Dylan's truck an hour after we had gotten here was not the fun night I had promised myself. All of my expectations about how the night would turn out were all but crushed in that one weak moment in that fight with Erica and her despicable friends. I had also drug Dylan into it, revealing what Bethany had lied about. That was not my intention at all. I just wasn't thinking, got caught up in the moment, and lost my cool. I hope somehow he'll understand and be able to forgive me for what I just did. I can't even blame it on being drunk, either, because I didn't even drink.

As soon as I got in, I was consumed by so many emotions. I slumped back in my seat and groaned. All I wanted to do was cry. I knew Dylan wasn't happy with me from the moment he picked me up and carried me upstairs. Knocking over that vase on the way out was such a childish thing to do too. When he scowled at me after I did that, I knew I had really fucked up. I'm not sure what came over me tonight. I guess I let everything that had been building up inside of me control my emotions, and when Erica and her friends ganged up on me in front of everyone, I just lost it. Yeah, I messed up big time, but so did Cameron. What we must look like to Dylan and all of his friends right now. It's so embarrassing. I'm sure he's still fuming because when he got in the truck, he didn't say a word or even look at me.

When I look over my shoulder and glance back at Cameron, he struggles to make eye contact with me and then looks away. I know he feels bad for getting into it with Dylan's friends too. Like me, he overreacted, and it's time for both of us to face the consequences of our actions and apologize to Dylan. It has to be sincere, though, and come at the right time when, like they say, cooler heads prevail.

I have to say, it was pretty awkward for the first few minutes as we drove back to Santa Barbara. All I could do to overcome my anxiety-ridden thoughts was to look straight ahead and let my overactive imagination run wild with what Dylan must be thinking.

It catches me off guard when I suddenly feel his warm hand against mine. As he interlocks his fingers in between mine, I instantly get butterflies. Neither of us say a word or even look at each other. But just holding hands with him relieves my mind a little. I have had nothing but gut-wrenching fear that he's going to break up with me and it's traumatized me since we left.

So much happened tonight. I think we were both still processing it all and trying to work through our emotions. For me, it was a great sign that he still wanted to be with me, even after everything I foolishly did tonight. Suddenly, I was breathing a little easier and was no longer holding my breath, waiting for him to end things with me.