outlines ✰ l.h.

chapter seventeen

It was the first time I had put my hand to a boy's chest. His heart rate had gone faster than it already was. I could feel his short breaths on my upper lip. I'm guessing they had become rapid from the instant push I gave him when he kissed me.

"What are you doing?" I mumbled. My voice was whispered, my words barely making it past my lips.

Luke stayed silent. How was he supposed to answer a question like that? He was kissing me, obviously. But what were his intentions? I'm sure neither of us knew.

He took his hand off my cheek and lightly tugged at his hair, "Andy, I don't really know."

I shook my head, it was the only response I could give him. I stayed quiet since I was afraid of this turning into an argument. I don't know why I felt so upset about this, it was almost the feeling of betrayal. I really did like Luke, but I was at a point where I felt like all he was really interested in was how many hookups he could get out of me.

"Are you mad?" He asked, turning his head to me. I slumped in my seat, figuring out the right answer.

I looked away from him, "No."

"Alright," he said. Luke's voice was calm and easy, which made this just a little easier.

"I'm not mad at all, I just don't want this to turn into a game of 'how many times can I hook up with Andy'." I sighed, letting my thoughts come out of my mouth. It took a few seconds for me too realize that he put his hand over mine.

"Hey," he paused, trying to get me to look at him. I glanced over at him, looking into his eyes then at the moon that was peaking through the trees. He rested his hand on my cheek again to get my attention again.

"Andy, that isn't what this is about." He told me. It was a little tough to believe, since that's all that it's seemed to be. We jumped into things way too fast and I let it go too far. "I'm not saying that we should just jump into a relationship so I can prove that I don't just want the physical aspects of us, of you." He assured me once again.

"It's just that I think it'd be nice to actually hang out for once just as friends. Nothing more than that. No more-" I put my fingers up for air quotes here. "-study dates. I understand that I've been consenting to all of this, and I don't necessarily regret it at all because, yeah, it's fun. But after a certain amount of time it doesn't make me feel too important. You know?"

I just stared at him, watching his eyes widen just a little. He looked away quickly, fidgeting with his hands on the wheel. "I know," he said.

I slowly looked over the white outline on his profile that was created by the moon shining down through the windshield. I sighed, " I don't want you to be mad at me, that's the last thing I want."

He stared straight ahead, looking at nothing but the water in front of us. "Ands, I'm not mad. I completely understand. Just tell me when you're uncomfortable," he quietly said.

I nodded, saying no more. Luke was giving me a bit of whiplash, one day he was blowing smoke in my face and grabbing at my hips on a small couch and the next he was sentimental and caring and wanted to do everything perfectly. I loathed yet adored it at the same time. Usually when I was with someone I wanted it to be laid back and casual and open, but not with this one, not with Luke.

"Do you actually want to go get coffee now?" His low voice broke the silence, getting my attention focused back on the situation.

I thought for a moment, giving him a sympathetic smile, "I think it'd be best if we just went back to your house. I have an English test to study for tonight." I lied.

I didn't want to lie to him, but I didn't want to say that I felt like being by myself. The whole scenario weighed me down a little and it was just from the slight tension. But I knew that the second I got home all I'd want to do is talk to Luke.