The Gift of Merci

Chapter 6 - Life Is A Race

As I watched TV, news of the World Cup in Qatar filled the screen—a massive event for football (or soccer, as we call it). It's the world's most-watched sport, captivating entire nations during the 28-day tournament with 32 teams competing.

There's talk about why football suits us Filipinos better than basketball due to our agility. Hoping more places create football fields like Iloilo and Negros Occidental, nurturing talents from the grassroots. But what intrigues me is why athletes earn immense fame and fortune compared to writers, scientists, and altruists. It's a global phenomenon—sports stars like footballers, basketball players, actors, and singers earn far more recognition and wealth.

It's not that they don't deserve it, but it's interesting why sports, movie, and music personalities are more celebrated and richly compensated compared to exceptional individuals in other fields benefiting society. 

Yes, top athletes and performers earn hugely, but many others in their field toil with little recognition. Similarly, elite writers, scientists, and scholars might receive top pay, yet many in their domain work anonymously with basic earnings. But the disparity in rewards and fame is huge.

Entertainers fulfill our craving for dopamine, making us feel good. We idolize them because they satisfy our need for entertainment. Athletes, tied to competition, might relate to our history of battles and survival instincts, ingrained over thousands of years.

Businesses recognize this adoration, using entertainers to endorse products, boosting their wealth. This union between business and entertainers has hugely enriched the latter. It's interesting how entertainers sometimes step into politics, blurring the lines between the two worlds.

These personalities provide excitement, balancing life's routine. But if recognition and rewards for writers, scholars, scientists, and altruists could even fractionally match those given to entertainers, life might flourish with more meaning and understanding.

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After tuning into the TV news and pondering the latest updates, a notification chimed on my phone– my score on my recent chemistry test: 51 out of 100. 

"Here we go again."

Disappointment flooded in; I knew I could have done better. I'd put in extra effort last night, even sacrificing sleep for two hours, but it seemed it wasn't enough. Comparing my score to my friends only made it worse.

I thought that it was possible to avoid failure because I never really believed in it. I only see my triumphs. And a little mistake could — perhaps ruin my entire grade. I've been getting so many low scores these days.

I feel like I have been hitting this wall frequently and at full-fledged ramming speed. Anxiety has become a battle that I am facing and I find myself taking so many 'deep breaths' that I am borderline hyperventilating. I've never had a constant struggle with anxiety, so learning how to manage it has been a learning experience. But I will admit that I am in a slump. This Slump happens every once in a while and time after time, I find myself feeling ashamed like I can't handle everything. Because you see, I am a perfectionist — and I have to win.

You could say that it's because I'm the oldest of my siblings or that I'm a perfectionist. I don't know what it is, but I have the highest expectations of myself, and as a result, I'm really hard on myself. A lot of the time.

When I take the time to think about it, I think that I get so caught up in wanting to be an intelligent and successful woman that I forget about the things I actually enjoy.

I sat there, my test paper in hand, my heart heavy with disappointment and frustration. The conversation within myself intensified, a battle between the part of me that craved success and perfection and the part that longed for self-compassion and balance.

"I can't believe I got 51/100," I muttered, my voice tinged with self-criticism. "I studied so hard, sacrificed sleep, and still, I fell short of what I know I'm capable of."

Am I being too hard on myself again? We all have off days, and sometimes, no matter how much effort we put in, things don't turn out the way we want them to. But I couldn't deny the fact that it's a bit frustrating. I've always believed in triumphs, in the idea that failure wasn't an option. But now, it feels like I'm constantly hitting a wall, and it's taking a toll on my mental health.

Anxiety gripped my chest, and I took a deep breath to calm myself, but it only seemed to intensify. The pressure to excel, to be the best, had become suffocating.

I know I don't have to be perfect all the time. I know It's okay to have low scores or make mistakes. But I'm a perfectionist and sometimes, I can't help but feel that anything less than perfection is a failure.

I took a deep breath. It's true. Life is like a race, you keep on running. You try to get as fast as possible however, it is a special race, it's a race against time, not everyone can run a long time, some have many years left, and some may have minutes, but the point is running as fast as you can before your time runs out.

Life is certainly competitive. Fight or die.