The Gift of Merci

Chapter 9 - In a Sea of Applause, Does Authentic Validation Exist?

I wake up at the sound of my trembling heart, the ticking clock, and the buzzing wind. I search for my phone; only to find out I have 40 tasks to accomplish this week.

I sighed and paused.

This school is kidding me.

I laid back and embraced the chills and unbound the tears; and once again, feel those painful needles in my chest. I gasp for air and look for your hands to calm me, but there's nothing of them anymore.

So this is how it feels, huh?

Waking up knowing I don't have someone to give you warmth, advice, or care; I still leave the doors open, Mom. Hoping that somehow, you'll still come by, and with just one touch, it will be enough to cover up the coldness; as if you are the blanket that I really need.

I opened my laptop and entered my first class in the morning - Calculus.

"Today, we are going to have a graded oral recitation"

My heart started pumping loudly. And my classmates started chatting :

G1: Teacher, I can't open my cam
G2: Me too teacher
G3: I don't have a mic :(

Others just bravely left the Google Meet. And I am here frozen.

I am at the top of the class, so I can't fall. I am Sage Luxaire, the unbeatable. I can't fall.

It strikes me again.

My teacher started calling names. And I was called second. I answered the question and solved the problem quickly. My teacher was impressed but little did she know, I was dying of fear and anxiety. I smiled bitterly when she gave me a perfect score. So, this is how it felt like having a diamond brain.

Temporary happiness. Temporary pleasures.

I often wonder how much of those broad-sweeping announcements that accumulate 'likes' and comments of encouragement like gold coins are really meant to reach a precious few people. Is it worse that we feel better about our achievements when 60 people have publicly complimented them, or that we'll completely ignore those 60 if the one person we wanted to hear from is completely silent? Yes, it's always nice to have a good haul, but at the end of the day, a few words from a near-stranger are nothing compared to finally being validated by those you long to impress in vain. To see that the person you care about has noticed has seen what you've done and - begrudgingly or not - approved of it, is almost as sweet as the success itself.

After all, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to congratulate you on chopping it with such ease, did it make a sound?

The echoing silence that greets my achievements is a constant reminder that the praise I receive is superficial, fleeting, and ultimately meaningless. Despite the accolades and accomplishments, I can't shake off the feeling of emptiness that gnaws at my soul. The loneliness of this journey is suffocating, and I yearn for genuine connection and validation from those I hold dear. But as I navigate through the maze of life, I'm left grappling with the realization that true recognition and understanding are scarce commodities.

In a world where everyone seems to be chasing after applause, I find myself drowning in a sea of superficiality. The longing for authentic recognition becomes an ache that settles deep within me, haunting every achievement I strive for. But in the quiet moments, when the world falls silent, I can't help but wonder if my efforts truly matter. The weight of these unanswered questions and the echoing void of validation consume me, leaving me adrift in a sea of uncertainty.

As the clock ticks on and the tasks pile up, I find myself yearning for that elusive sound - the one that echoes not from the applause of strangers but from the heartfelt recognition of those who truly understand and appreciate the person behind the achievements.

But for now, I carry on, navigating through this race, questioning the sounds of silence, and hoping that someday, the resounding applause I seek will be more than just a distant echo in the vast expanse of life's forest.