The Gift of Merci

Chapter 3 - Mental Health Matters

"But for me, it's hard to directly connect the modules to these suicide incidents because we need to see the causal connection between the modules and the students' condition," DEPED-7 Regional Director Salustiano Jimenez said in Cebuano as I was watching the latest news on the TV.

It was a distraught 16-year-old Grade 11 student in the town of Tupi, South Cotabato who committed suicide due to alleged pressure and difficulty in learning school modules. Not many people care about mental health. Because we rarely open up about it. 

Imagine if someone you loved came to you saying they were having problems with anxiety, and instead of saying, "Maybe you're thinking too much, you should relax and let it go," you opened up the table for discussion and tried to understand what they're feeling and why. Or if someone came to you and told you they were having thoughts of suicide and self-harm, instead of saying, "It's just in your head, you need to toughen up," you helped them seek out the correct type of help that they needed.

When people inquire about our well-being, the default response often circles around being "okay." But what does being okay truly entail? For some, it's about having no visible problems; for others, it's synonymous with contentment and happiness. However, often, it's a social courtesy—a way to assure others that all is fine (even when it might not be).

Being okay implies mental wellness. Amid discussions of mental illnesses and distress, it's crucial to note that the absence of illness alone doesn't define good mental health. So, how do we measure our okayness? In my talks on mental health and stress management, I prioritize indicators of well-being. It's easy to fixate on challenges, overlooking our strengths and a baseline to assess our mental state. Should anxiety or even sadness always be seen as issues? Here are my benchmarks for good mental health:

Firstly, meeting our basic needs is foundational to being okay. Adequate sleep, nutrition, and physical activity directly impact mental health. However, in a society that undervalues sleep, it's rare to find someone admitting they sleep well. Yet, quality sleep significantly prevents mental illness, enhancing life quality. Beyond medications, good sleep can prevent crises like suicide risks. Eating habits and physical activity matter too; food affects mood, while movement can break depressive cycles.

Secondly, being okay isn't about a problem-free life but having the capacity to handle issues. This is termed distress tolerance—the ability to manage frustration, uncertainty, mistakes, and adapt to change. It's crucial, especially when working with children, to cultivate their problem-solving abilities instead of solving everything for them.

Thirdly, being okay doesn't mean constant happiness. A mentally healthy person embraces a wide spectrum of emotions, including unpleasant ones. Suppressing such feelings can lead to extreme behaviors harmful to oneself or others.

Lastly, being okay involves maintaining healthy relationships. The ability to navigate relationships—expressing oneself, resolving conflicts, considering others' perspectives—reflects mental health in dealing with family, friends, or colleagues.

Understanding what mental wellness entails prevents us from pathologizing normal human experiences. Embracing imperfection is part of acknowledging mental health—I may not be perfect, but I am okay.

If you are not concerned, stay away from me. I am a suicidal person too. I do think about killing myself and have made plans. I always beat myself when I receive bad scores. I admit I am very hard on myself. The more I pressure myself into having everything figured out, the more I frustrate myself. This torture leads to a vicious cycle. I torture myself because I don't like the person that I am. When I try to stop myself from torturing myself I'm ashamed at the level of self-hate I've allowed myself to sink to. It reminds me that I'm weak and messed up. This note rings through my head and fuels the torture once again. This repeats and goes full circle. The anxiety and fear-inducing trial that I deal with if I go to sleep when it is still nighttime rules my life. Every morning I swear to myself I won't repeat this behavior, but here I am again, going through the motions. I want to change, but I don't know how.

I sighed again.

We live in a world that puts hustle on a pedestal so high that we have forgotten how to stand still amongst the chaos. We jam-pack our schedules to the brim, so much so that we cannot have a cup of coffee with our spouse — or heck, even alone — at the kitchen table in silence. We have our cup of coffee while driving, walking, sitting on trains, or waiting in carpool lines. And while we're rushing to the next new thing, while we're obsessing about our hustle, little moments of joy are slipping us by.

I think because of how fast-paced this world is, we tend to forget to just breathe and be present with everything. We as a society need to end the stigma. There is no shame in having a mental illness. There is no shame in going to therapy. There is no shame in having to take medication. Once we start opening the lines of communication with each other, we can start understanding each other better, which is what we need the most right now.

I started contemplating as I took a video of myself for my last task this week. I sighed.

I sat there, the weight of the news and my own struggles pressing down on me like an unrelenting force. The conversation within myself intensified, a relentless back-and-forth between the part of me that sought understanding and compassion and the part that had become my own worst enemy.

"Look at what's happening," I whispered to myself, my voice trembling with emotion. "The pressure, the expectations – it's breaking people, driving them to the brink."

"I know," my brother replied, its tone heavy with sadness. "It's heartbreaking to see how we're all caught up in this endless pursuit of success and perfection, neglecting the toll it takes on our mental health."

"I'm a part of that problem, aren't I?" I questioned, the weight of guilt settling upon my shoulders. "I push myself relentlessly, berating myself for every mistake, every perceived failure. I've become my own tormentor."

"We've been conditioned to believe that success and worth are measured solely by achievements," he chimed in. "But it's a flawed and dangerous belief. We've lost touch with what truly matters – our well-being, our happiness, and our ability to simply be present in the moment."

I gazed at the video I had just recorded, my face reflected back at me, and I saw the weariness etched in my eyes. The person looking back was a mere shell of the vibrant and passionate individual I once knew myself to be.

"I don't want to be another casualty of this relentless chase for success. I want to find peace within myself, to value my mental health as much as any accomplishment."

"That simple ha?" I pleaded, its vulnerability mirroring my own. "How do we escape the grip of self-hate and the burden of unrealistic expectations?"

"We start by being kind to ourselves," he replied. "We treat ourselves with the same compassion and understanding that we would extend to a loved one in pain. We seek help when we need it, whether it's through therapy, support groups, or simply reaching out to friends who truly understand."

"I'm scared," I admitted, its vulnerability exposing the depth of my fears. "Scared of opening up, of showing my weaknesses, of being judged."

"We all are scared," he said gently, feeling the weight of my fear dissipates slightly. "But we can't let that fear control us. We must be brave enough to seek help and share our struggles. Only then can we break free from this cycle of torment and start healing."

I turned off the camera. "Hayy. Finally, done." 

Self, I know it won't be easy, but I am determined to confront the darkness within and find the light that has been dimmed for far too long. 

I want to be the architect of my own liberation – a liberation that allows me to find peace, joy, and authenticity in a world that often forgets the importance of standing still amidst chaos. With every step I take on this path, I know that I am not alone. There are others out there, struggling in silence, yearning for understanding and compassion. And so, I want to be the voice for change, to help shatter the stigma surrounding mental health, and to create a world where vulnerability is met with empathy and support.  

The video I have taken is not just a task to be completed; it is a testament to my willingness to change, to grow, and to reclaim my own happiness. As I close my eyes tonight, a newfound sense of hope washes over me, guiding me toward a brighter and more compassionate future.

"It's okay, Sage. We are going to get there."