The Deep End ✔️

10 - tethered mistakes

I got home Sunday.

After almost a week of socializing and peopling and exhausting myself, I slept from the point I walked in the door until the morning when I had work. I knew I could always rely on work to distract me from my problems.

Dallas hadn't said a word since the morning he left me in my bed. That was for the best.

I was walking out the back door, sweat slicked over my forehead despite snow falling on the pavement under my feet. It started snowing the last time I saw Dallas. I knew it would. Work was slow but my coworker Marco never stopped talking, so it served as a good preoccupation.

My phone rang in my pocket. I glanced at the caller ID and almost slipped on ice while trying to answer it. "Hello," I greeted halfheartedly.

"You fucked Dallas?" Erick said, his voice an unimaginably high octave. I cringed and got in my car, starting it immediately.

"I know."

He stumbled over his words. "But he . . . He literally showed up with . . . Meek, he has a—"

"I know."

"What the hell?"

"I know," I said again, sighing.

Erick was quiet for a minute. "You guys are tethered," he said finally.

I had just shifted into reverse to back out of my parking spot, but didn't take my foot off the brake when he said that. "What?"

"Phoebe told me about it. It's called a soul tie," he said. "She saw it on TikTok or something. It's when two people have a bond so strong that they always find their way back to each other. I think it might be some biblical baloney, but I think it makes sense."

"Soul tie," I repeated, tasting it on my tongue. "It's a nice thought but it doesn't matter. That was the last time. I told him to stay with his girlfriend."

"What?" Erick yelled. "Meek, you're a fucking moron sometimes."

I sighed, my breath creating a puff of vapor in the air in front of me. That was my cue to start driving so my heat would hurry and warm up. "What the fuck am I supposed to do, bro? I can't just expect him to drop his girlfriend of a year for me," I said, feeling like a broken record.

"Phoebe was dating someone when we met," he said.

"That's different," I said, feeling a bit frustrated with his lack of understanding. "Her ex would beat her if she came home a minute late. Dallas's girlfriend is sweet and good for him. I would never ask him to give that up. You don't know what it's like being gay."

"Yes, Meek," Erick clapped back. "But I do know what it's like to love someone. I would kill for Phoebe."

My fingers not holding the phone gripped the steering wheel. "Who said I loved him?" I asked, knowing I never told him that. Only Dallas and my mom knew the extent of my bat shit feelings.

"Nobody, idiot. Dallas told Phoebe he loves you."

I didn't say anything to that. I already knew he loved me, but as I've said a million times, it didn't fucking matter. Soul ties and tethers and love and bonds don't mean shit when there's other people in the equation. I was in no place to ruin two people's lives for my own selfish, antiquated emotions.

"I'm gonna hang up," I said.

"Meek, I swear to G—"

My phone ended up on the passenger's side floor. I didn't want to think about it anymore. Then my playlist decided it was a great time to turn on Ocean Eyes and I wanted to off myself. The irony of it all!

When I got home to my dreary, lonely apartment, I collapsed on the couch with a beer. Nelly Furtado jumped on my lap as soon as she saw me and I scratched between her ears. I looked around, wondering what it would be like if Dallas lived with me.

I could see him reading on the balcony with my prized Yankees coffee mug, the only thing I had of my dad's. We would bump shoulders in my tiny bathroom while trying to get ready for the day, toothpaste dribbled in the corner of our mouths. I would wake up in the dim lighting of my bedroom with his blue eyes already looking at me. I could see him cooking for me in my tiny kitchenette, his skin gleaming with sweat because the air just doesn't circulate right in there. He'd be too tall for my shower but would still insist on bathing together to save time.

Why do I torture myself?

Across the room, sitting pretty on my entertainment center, next to my collection of horror movies, was a little stuffed dog. The same one he won me at the arcade. I wanted to throw it away. One less thing to remind me of him.

Nelly looked at me judgmentally.

I huffed. What the hell did she know? She was just a dumb freeloading cat with a cute face and a lot of attitude. Dumb cat, I thought and, as if she could read my mind, she gave me a nasty look. "I didn't mean it," I said quickly. My hasty recantation went ignored and she started kneading my thigh.

My phone buzzed on the couch beside me and I grabbed it, my stomach dropping. Dallas was calling me.

"You shouldn't be calling me," was how I answered.

"Sorry. I just—" He paused. The sound of his voice sent goosebumps across my arms. "I don't think I can do this."

I bit my lip. "Do what?"

"Pretend like it didn't happen," Dallas said. "I can't lie to Shelby and I can't pretend it didn't happen because it's playing in my bed on repeat. Endlessly, Thomas. I can't do this."

My hand raised and I pinched the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes. Endlessly, Thomas. The beat of my heart grew rapidly quicker and I felt like my head was going to explode. Could I have an hour without talking about this? Or thinking about it?

I sighed. "Dallas, please."

He let out a shaky breath on the other end. I could see him pacing back and forth in the bathroom while hiding from Shelby, or sitting in his favorite spot of his house with his phone held to his ear while he stared out a window at the snow.

"Is this really what you want?" he asked.

"It's not about what I want," I said, my eyes finally opening to look at Nelly for moral support. She offered none. "It's about you."

Dallas laughed humorlessly. "If it's about me, then why can't we do what I want to do? I want to come clean and make things work with you," he said. "I can't lie to her."

"You're being a baby," I said because it was the only thing I could think to say.

"Seriously?" he said. "Fucking hell. This was a mistake."

I petted Nelly's head as a means to keep myself calm and rational. "Calling me when you're supposed to be keeping this on the DL? Yeah, kind of a rookie mistake—"

"No, Thomas, calling you was only one of the many mistakes after the biggest: coming to Phoebe's, seeing you, getting you alone. It was all a fucking mistake and I . . . I can't do this," he said. "I wish you the very best and . . . I meant what I said."

Then he hung up.

I was left with a tingling in my legs and a crack in my heart. This was what I wanted, right? I wanted him to man up and do what was best for himself. I wanted him to pursue the lovely girl he'd been with for a year and stay away from me.

Loving me was like catching the plague. I was toxic, petty, and angry. I had been angry for a long time and it was all just simmering. Dallas didn't need me in his life, spreading my bad vibes around him. He deserved so much better than that. Than me.

But if this was what I wanted, why did it feel so bad? Love is ugly . . . Endlessly, Thomas . . . My heart ached and I curled into a ball on the couch, clutching my phone to my chest like a teddy bear.

This was harder than the first time we ended things. So much harder.