Karl Jacobs
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As I walked from the cleaning closet, I thought it would be easy this time. We've walked away from each other so many times now, I thought I would be used to it. I was wrong.
It's November now and I have no memories from the past few weeks. I've been glued to my bed most days, never even pulling the covers off myself. It hurts still, I think it always will hurt. But it it hurts a little less knowing I still have Lola here with me, she's still around checking on me even though it's out that her and Percy are together.
Percy. I never confronted him. I haven't even asked Lola about any of it, i'm not sure if I believe anything Sapnap said to me. I believe he lied just to make me feel guilty, to make me feel bad for him. I know i'm not in the wrong. I never abandoned him or chose someone else over him, he's always been my number one. I don't want to believe him, I want to choose Percy. I want to choose myself, my own happiness.
I'm sitting on the couch watching Adventure Time when my mum comes over to join me. My eyes are fixed on the framed photo of our family with Sapnaps family, I didn't think my mum would notice that i'm not watching the screen. I can't help but think of him sometimes, watching Adventure Time was something we done together.
I've been upset with my mum for the past few days, we haven't really spoken to each other. She confessed to keeping Sapnap away from me, I don't know how I feel about it. I understand why she done it, I know she only wants to see me happy but I made it clear to her that I didn't want her poking around in my life. I didn't need her to do that, knowing she did do that has made me think of all the other possibilities. If she never pulled him away I would've found out the real reason he came to visit me after the party.
"You know sweetie, I once had a very special friendship like you and Nick had" hearing her use past tense words hurts me. Mums hand is on my knee and I pull my eyes away from the photo frame to look at her.
"Really?" I mumble.
"Yea" she smiles softly. "She was such a beautiful and sweet girl".
"What happened?" I feel like whatever she is about to say doesn't compare to what's happening between Sapnap and I.
"We loved each other too much" she gives me a painful smile. "You know my parents, Karl. They never accepted anything new or different, that's why I ended up just marrying whoever they chose for me" she pauses. "Your dad caught me with her one day, we were just holding hands in her car and he saw it all. The next day I was in a white dress getting married to him, and I never saw her again".
"Why?" I frown.
"I didn't know then, but your dad actually told my parents all about her. I found out just a few years ago that they paid her to leave town" she looks down at her lap. "I was always too scared to stand up for myself, I let my parents do anything to me. I was twenty five when this all happened, I was a grown adult" she pauses. "I look back now and wish I done more. I wish I never married your father".
"What was her name?" I ask. She shuts her eyes for a moment and her lips curl into a small smile.
"Orla" her eyes are still shut, and her smile grows bigger. Like saying her name is taking her back to all of those years ago when she was with her. "Oh Karl, you would've loved each other so much" she opens her eyes again.
"I'm sorry you lost her, mum" she grabs my hand, squeezing it tightly.
"It's okay" she's still smiling, "I just don't want to see you go through it too. Nick could be your soulmate, just like how I believe Orla was mine. I couldn't live with myself if I see you end up with someone like your dad just because you can't have Nick".
"What should I do?" my voice cracks. I never thought i'd be so open with my mum, I never wanted her to know the truth.
"Speak to him, Karl" she pauses. "Tell him how you really feel! Make sure he knows you love him. I was wrong to try keep you both apart, I didn't realise it would hurt you even more. I'm sorry".
I stare at her, not knowing what to say. I want her to give me the answer, I need someone else to tell me what to do. I'm hopeless on my own, i've lost him so many times before, how am I meant to get him back on my own?
"I'll try" my voice cracks.
For days after that conversation with my mum was all I could think about. This whole time she's known and understood how i've been feeling. She's experienced it all on her own. I watch her with Mr. Mavric now, and I know that he will also never have her whole heart. A part of her is still somewhere in the world, traveling with Orla.
I know I don't want that for Sapnap and I. I never want him walking around with just a part of me, I won't allow it.
I continue staring at my mum and her partner until my name is called. I stand up, mum following my actions as we enter Mariannes office. I look back to Mr. Mavric, he gives me a small, fatherly like smile. It comforts me. It's comfort i've never felt before, something my dad never done for me.
"Karl" Marianne greets me as I take a seat. I look over at her desk to see the photos with her partner are now gone. I want to ask what happened, but I learned a while ago that she won't open up about her personal life often. I guess that's her job though. I bring my attention back to her and begin to listen as she speaks.
"-I don't want him on medications again. From what i've heard so far they only made him worse" Marianne pauses as she looks between mum and I. "I think keeping up with the regular appointments is the safest option, anytime you feel you need extra support, i'll always be here".
"How often should we be scheduling these appointments?" mum asks.
"I think once a week is working fine, how do you feel about it Karl?" Marianne turns to me.
"Yea, once a week works fine for me" I shrug, "i'm assuming we can do twice a week if things are bad?"
"Of course" Marianne gives me a gentle smile. "Now Karl, let's excuse your mum so we can have our session".
Mum leaves the room and I completely open up to Marianne about everything that's been going on in my own brain. She listens closely to everything I say, she speaks when she feels it's needed, and she never once makes me feel bad about how I feel. If being my therapist wasn't her job, I would want her as my friend.
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heyooo
how is everyone?? any fun updates?
do you guys want to know the DNF fic title?????????????????
you're getting it anyway hehehehe
drum roll please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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the DNF fic title is: Late Night Talking !!!
im so excited for it i feel like you will all enjoy it <3
anways
i hope youre all well :)
i love you all <3
YOU ARE READING
Sweater Weather - Karlnap (au)
Fanfiction"Karl" he says softly, making me turn to face him. "Do you ever feel different?" he asks, without looking at me. "Different in what way?" he turns to me, looking me in the eyes.
