Sweater Weather - Karlnap (au)

28: Waiting Room

Karl Jacobs

--

I spot Harmony in the crowd before I see Sapnap. Her hair is shiny, her skin is glowing, and she looks even more perfect than she usually does. Lola is beside her and they're both surrounded by their group of friends. I keep looking around the room, waiting to see Sapnap somewhere. I spot him sitting with Aaron and their group of friends. I smile, hoping he'd see me. And he does.

Sapnap and I make eye contact, we hold it for a while. I start making my way over to him but he looks away before I get there. I continue walking  but I stop when I see that the girls have made their way over to this table. Harmony is now sitting on Sapnaps lap, and Lola is standing beside me, knowing she can't make her way over there because Aaron and his girlfriend is there too. We both stare at the people we love, and we both know we can't have them in the way we dream of having them. 

The day continues going like it usually does. Anytime I see Sapnap, Harmony is there with him. The few times I saw him without her, I would watch him and wait for him to notice me on the other side of the hall but he never did. We haven't spoken to each other since I was crying in his arms, and that was two weeks ago. I heard from Lola that they arrived back from New York last Friday night. It's Wednesday now and it's the first time i've seen him. All I want to do is talk to him, but I don't want to be the one to approach him. He never messaged or called me while he was away, I was expecting a message from him when he landed back home, but it never happened. 

I walk inside my house to find no one home. I notice more of my dads things are gone, meaning mum sold them or dad came to pick them up. I make my way to the kitchen to grab a drink before going up to my room. I open my door to find Sapnap sitting on my bed, staring down at the sweater that started all of this. 

"What are you doing here?" I ask breathlessly. 

"I wanted to give this to you" he stands and holds out the sweater, "it's more yours than it is mine".

"Oh" I take the sweater from his hands, my thumbs run over the soft fabric. "Thanks".

"Karl" I look up at him. "I- um".

"What?" I notice his cheeks are flushed red, and his eyes are glassy. He isn't here for something good, it's become obvious. 

"Karl, i'm sorry but-" he pauses again. He looks up at the ceiling, then to the wall. He's looking at anything but me, "this is so hard".

"What's hard?" I place the sweater and my drink down on my dresser. "What's going on Sap?"

"Don't call me that, please" his voice cracks, and that's how I know that this is much more serious than I thought it was going to be. "Karl, we- we can't be friends anymore".

"What?" I whisper in shock, not knowing what else to say. It's all so sudden, nothing has ever come between us, everything happening now it something we've gone through before, the only difference this time is-

"Harmony" he says her name before my brain has the chance to put the pieces together, "She doesn't want me seeing you anymore".

I don't say anything. I want him to say everything he has to say. 

"I- I didn't have a say, she just doesn't want us to be friends anymore" he sucks in a breath. "She thinks you're stealing me from her".

I just stare at him, still waiting for him to finish.

"She didn't tell me why she thinks that, she just told me to do this or she'd leave me. And Karl, you have to know that I don't want this at all" he finally looks at me. "You're the most important person to me. But I love Harmony, i'm not ready to say bye to her yet".

"Yet?" I spit. "You're throwing away our friendship, after everything we've been through together. You're choosing some girl because you're not ready to say bye to her yet?"

"That's not what I mean" he shakes his head. "Karl, pl-"

"No, Nick. Th- This is insane, i'm your best friend" my voice raises even though I don't want it to. "You're my best friend and I would never do this to you, never" i'm suddenly breathless, and I can't hold back tears. They stream down my face, and he can see that. 

"You know we can never just be best friends" his voice is low and raspy, there's even a small crack at the end. It stuns me into being speechless. "It's been like this for too long Karl, I waited so long for this, you know it" his voice cracks again. "But, i'm in love with Harmony now. What I have with her, it's different. It's serious and real, it isn't just a bit of hope that she might like me back. I wake up every morning knowing she really does love me". 

"That doesn't mean we can't be friends" I wait for what feels like hours until he says something again. 

"It does" he swallows. "It's something she wants, I have to respect it. And i'm sure Lola would want this too so maybe you should respect her".

He turns to the door and begins walking out. I'm quick to get hold of his wrist and stop him. He turns back to me, his eyes falling to our hands that are loosely holding each others. His eyes linger on them and slowly make their way to mine. My breath hitches and i'm suddenly speechless. He's so close to me I can feel his breath hitting my nose, I can see his eyes clearly and I remember how easy it is to get lost in them. But I have to stay focused. 

"Please don't do this" I whisper even though we're the only ones here. 

"I have to" he drops my hand and walks out.

He shuts my door on the way out and I listen to his footsteps go downstairs, and I stay listening until I hear the front door open and shut. I run to my window and watch him drive away again. Once his car is gone, everything just comes out and it doesn't stop. I hold onto my stomach as my throat goes tight and tears stream down my face. I sob to myself in silence, already mourning the greatest friendship i'll probably ever experience in my life. I don't even know what to do with myself. 

For a long time Sapnap was all I had. In the darkest times when I felt like I had no one, he was my constant light. Sapnap was my everything. I would go to extreme measures to keep him happy, i'd fly across the world for him if he asked me to. I know I have Lola now, but anything I have with her doesn't compare to what I had with Sapnap. We shared something so unique and beautiful. We understood each other in a way no one else understood us, our parents always told us that we spoke like we had our own language that only we knew. We never once let anything come between us, until now. 

Something so beautiful has been ruined and I once again feel completely alone. My constant light went dim for the past few months, but now I know that it's been blown out and is no longer with me. I have now become a dim light for myself, and I don't know how much longer my flame will burn for. 

Sapnap is in love with Harmony. I'll stay here by myself, i'll watch him love her. I'll wait for him because I know it won't last. They could get married, they could have kids, move into a big suburban style home, get a dog or a cat, and they could be happy. I'll still be around somewhere waiting for him. I'll always be waiting for him.

--

hi my lovelies

how are you all feeling? 

i would say sorry....

but im just not sorry hehehehe

NO IM LYING

I AM SORRY

THIS WAS VERY HARD TO WRITE HAHAHAHA I WAS IN PAINNNNN 

for the first time i am adding a song for sapnaps POV :)

and the song is *drum roll*

FOREVER WINTER BY TAYLOR SWIFT !!!!!

here are some lyrics from that song just so y'all understand why i chose it:

'He spends most of his nights wishing it was how it used to be'

'Too young to know it gets better
I'll be summer sun for you forever
Forever winter if you go'

i love u all very much and i will be back soon with more

pls dont hate me