I managed to slightly open my eyes as I was still half asleep.
N - I can't... breathe.
Adrenaline kicked in and I got up real fast. He had both of his hands in the back of his neck, nervously scratching his skin. I grabbed both of his hands and held them tight.
C - Nick, look at me. Focus on your breathing okay? In through your nose and out through your mouth.
I could see that he was trying, but it didn't seem to work as good as it usually does. I let go of his hands just a split second, the time that I got some water. I ran back upstairs and handed him the glass. He gulped it down and looked back at me with that same look of fear in his face.
C - Did you take your meds yesterday?
He shook his head.
C - Did you take them two days ago?
He shook his head again.
C - Darling you know you have to take your meds.
He closed his eyes, trying to calm down.
C - Focus on my voice. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere.
I went in for a hug, holding his head as if I could protect him from anything. I could feel his heartbeat getting slower through his chest.
C - You're doing great. Deep breaths baby.
He looked up at me, tears in his eyes.
N - I'm... sorry. Nightmare...
Speaking was still hard for him.
C - It's okay, take your time. Breathe. It's going to be okay.
A few minutes went by and his breathing got normal again.
N - I'm so sorry. I didn't want to wake you up in the middle of the night.
C - It's okay darling. Do you want to talk about it?
N - I dreamed that you... you were...
He couldn't finish his sentence and started crying uncontrollably.
C - It's okay, it was just a dream. I'm right here.
N - Thank you.
C - Let's get back to sleep and we can talk more tomorrow okay?
N - Okay, I love you.
C - I love you too.
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The next morning, I woke up a little before Nick did. I went downstairs, said hi to his mom, and got to the kitchen to make breakfast. I made some scrambled eggs, some toast and some tea and went back to Nick's room.
C - Good morning baby.
I rubbed his back and gave him a kiss his forehead. He slightly opened his eyes and smiled.
N - Good morning love.
He sat up and noticed the breakfast.
N - What's all this for?
C - I don't know, I think it's for my boyfriend but I'm not sure.
We both let out a little laugh.
N - You didn't have to.
C - But I wanted to.
We silently ate our breakfast together in his bed. The silence when we were together was the only one that I didn't find awkward. Some days, we could spend hours just being together without saying a word, but just his presence was enough.
N - I'm sorry again, for last night.
C - You think I say sorry too much, and now look at you.
He smiled.
N - I know, but I shouldn't have woken you up.
C - You can wake me up no matter what time it is. I'm always here for you, okay? Always.
N - I know, thank you.
C - So... You haven't been taking your meds?
He didn't say a word and looked down. I lifted his chin up so that our eyes could meet.
C - Talk to me.
N - It's just that, you know, my whole life I've just been a normal, healthy boy and now... I have to take pills for me to function? I don't want to be like this, I'm fine and I've always been fine.
C - Nick, your anxiety doesn't mean that you're sick or unhealthy. It's a mental disorder that you cannot control. It doesn't make you weak or abnormal. Anxiety is something pretty hard to explain, either for someone trying to explain it or for someone who lives with it. You can't let that take over you. I know times can be rough and that sometimes you feel like it's actually taking over your whole body, but it's not. You can't overcome anxiety, you have to learn to live with it and stay true to yourself. You are still Nick Nelson, rugby player, handsome and sweet and caring man. You are still the most thoughtful and loving human being that I met even before you got diagnosed.
I stopped and looked at him, searching for a reaction.
N - You're right.
He grabbed me in his arms as I could feel the tears on his cheeks.
