As the Ash Settles

Chapter Eight: Scars and Nothingness.

Only the sounds of Robin and Scratch could be heard that morning in camp, the silence wasn't that of calmness but of worry. All but Gale seemed uncertain of what was to come. If Gale was wrong they were fating Karlach and Wyll a longer stay in Avernus for no reason, had Zariel known that Karlach was back? Had they even made it to the House of Hope? Was Hope even sane enough to remember those who set her free. The questions all hung heavy as camp settled in for the day.

This cave was smaller than the last with a larger mouth, tents were used to block what little space still remained from the canvas. When it became time for Astarion to feed, it dawned on both him and Citrine the others had never strictly been within eyeshot of the two. They shared a look of uncertainty. How would the others react? It wasn't as if they didn't already know how it happened. Perhaps it was best for them to wait for the others to fall into dreams before their routine began, and wait they did.

Gale and Shadowheart looked peaceful in their slumber, though the cave was cold there hadn't been enough room to set a fire, hopefully, the heat of the day would warm it eventually. Citrine while laying felt a familiar sensation atop her head, "Good morning my darling." Astarion's whispers followed his kiss.

"Good morning, my love." she automatically shifted her head into position awaiting the sharpness of his bite. His brows furrowed.

"You know, I don't just come to your bedside when everyone is asleep to just feed on you, that made me feel dirty. Like as if you just await for me to make a meal out of you."

"I just assumed, I'm sorry we've been walking a lot and I figured you might need to feed."

"You wouldn't be wrong but let's not make it so crass. Formalities are nice you know, a little 'you look beautiful Astarion.', 'How are you faring Astarion?', 'I want to confess my undying love, Astarion.', 'I have no thought of murdering you or my friends, Astarion.' formalities you know?" Citrine smiled as she sat up, she could tell he was only half jesting with her. "I shouldn't have to rely on you daily you know, if you ever don't want to I wouldn't be upset with you."

"I do want to. Everyone has needs with companionship, Shadowheart needs her hair complimented and whatever new style of expression she is going through, Gale needs to consume every interesting artifact I find and you sometimes you need a snack and to kill evil. Myself, I just need three square meals a day, a backrub, maybe some water, the basics."

"Is that you or Scratch?"

"Both, Robin needs five meals so obviously it wasn't him." hushed chuckles fill the cave. "I need you, all of you safe. We all have our needs."

"And you don't wish for more, from me?"

"You told me not to lie to you, if you're speaking about intimacy, there are more ways than just sex to be intimate, and you do provide that just fine. But yes, I miss sex. Sex with you, not when you were bedding me for protection but that night when you first told me you loved me. I think anyone would struggle with not craving that, but that's okay. Everything within your own time, even if you're a giant tease who I do think gets off on the idea of making me aroused just to leave me in that state." Astarion climbed upon Citrine her own legs in-between his. A smile across his face.

"You would not be wrong, I do get off to that in a manner of speaking, but it is because I trust you, not to use you. I like making your hair stand up, seeing your skin rise, hearing your heart flutter, your cheeks flush. It's all a rather beautiful sight. Besides, imagine when I am ready again, how built up you will be, how you will blossom beneath my tongue. How slick you will be when I'm ready to be in you again." a whisper to a low growl. "And you will want me to do anything I please, and that will be to please you, many times over, and when you think I am done there will be more to come." He could feel her body temperature raise with her arousal, her breathing became sharper. "Relax darling, you don't want to wake the others." He tipped her head exposing her neck, his fangs bared into her skin. Her blood was sweet to him, although she might of cooked meat for the others she herself only ever ate what came from the soil, and her blood was proof of it. His lips kissed where he had bitten, and two other marks caught his eye, she was beginning to scar, he had damaged her skin. He slowly backed from her. Careful to not hit Gale who slept inches away. "I'm hurting you."

Citrine who had been lost in the thoughts he had put at the forefront of her mind. "Only at first but I've gotten rather used to it, it only hurts for a second and then it's peaceful. I trust you to not take more than you need."

"No, your neck you have scars. I left scars upon you, your beautiful skin." a slight tremble was in his voice.

"And I have scars elsewhere from our journeys, lashes from being whipped, claws from worges, hell I have a fake eye from Volo, they are just proof that I have lived. These are too."

"I need to go to sleep, I'm sorry."

Citrine lay there awake for the rest of the day, she wondered to herself what she had done wrong. They all had scars from their journey, they had been in quite some fights, scars were bound to happen. The way he reacted though worried her. Sundown came and she did her best to try to get breakfast ready for them all without waking them too early. She hoped the night would allow for a conversation on what was going through Astarion's mind. Though it did not come, Gale and Shadowheart were more lively the following day, Astarion though he was silent, he did not once reach out for Citrine's hand. The morning to come he did not feed from her. Shadowheart sent looks of puzzlement to Citrine at camp the next day that was met with a shrug.

The next two days and nights followed the same, Citrine would try to speak to Astarion and was met with one-word answers at best, he would walk ahead of the group to hunt what he could find on the shoreline. Gale soon too picked up on the coldness of Astarion to Citrine.

"Is all well between you two?" Gale looked sincere when asking. Citrine looked up at the moon above them, it was smiling on the group she was glad at least the moon could smile.

"I'm not too sure Gale, I feel no different towards him, I think I might have done something to hurt him."

"Well, if there is anything I learned from Mystra it's that you can never be certain about what is going on if you do not ask. Tara often had to remind me of that. When in a relationship with a Goddess things can get confusing and the best way to know is to outright ask." Shadowheart had let out a sigh of annoyance.

"Gale, I hardly think the two of your relationships are comparable. Astarion hasn't asked Citrine to kill herself."

"No, but, the advice remains the same, and it is good advice. There was a time when I asked you to choose between me and Astarion and you did. He holds your heart, now we have a friendship that I wouldn't dare to lose. I asked and now we are here. The advice is good advice." He turned to hug Citrine. "I'm sure this will pass."

"Oh, already getting cozy with Gale, this is priceless." Astarion's laugh was cold and harsh. "Don't mind me, I was just getting something to snack on. Who would I be to interrupt such a nice pair?"

"Astarion, you're being dramatic we were all talking." Shadowheart's words were defensive.

"No one asked you, Shadowheart."

"Astarion, please he was just comforting me-"

"I'm sure he was." there were no pleasantries in his laughter. "I take a few days to think and you go and find comfort in another man's arms. How fitting. We will find the ring, save Karlach and Wyll and I'll be out of your hair, and to think I gave up so much power for a pathetic little creature that can't stand two days without affection."

"Now, now Astarion, emotions are high and I think a good rest will bring perspective."

"Gale if you don't shut up for one gods forsaken moment, I will have the pleasure of doing it myself."

"Astarion, you're crossing lines that should not be crossed." Shadowheart's words were stern and to the point. "You need to calm yourself."

Citrine walked closer to Astarion, tears streaming down her freckled face. "Please, let me explain. He said we needed to talk, and then was telling me about Mystra, nothing more."

"You truly are pathetic you know that? He proclaims his love for you, mere weeks ago and you think that is all there is to it? No, I see this for what it truly is. You can't be alone, you can't stand the thought of having live life without someone there to console and comfort you at every turn. And who am I to stand in your way? When this is done, I never want to see you again, as far as I am concerned once Karlach has a heart whatever this group was means nothing to me." His eyes darkened. "You mean nothing to me."