Unholy | Noah Sebastian

|Chapter Fourteen|

Self-loathing.
Disgust.
Repulsion.

Those are the words floating around my head while Phil kisses my neck. This is my penance for kissing Noah earlier.  I'm in an all white box, laying on a hard white square.  The only color other than white is the shadows on one side of the box.  I'm only wearing an old t-shirt and my panties and Phil has pushed up the shirt to above my waist.

My mind can't let us forget Noah doesn't want us. He kissed me and went to go be with another woman. Phil is all I will ever deserve. I will never be worthy of love. This is all I will ever have.

I can't even enjoy the phantom feel of Phil's lips on me. I know I'm dreaming. I know I'm not really here because I've already pushed away the only person who would ever care about me.

I roll my head to the side and I open my eyes, I know this is a dream but I don't know how to stop this.

Something shifts in the shadows and I can tell by the size that it's Noah. The feelings I was feeling multiply. I've conjured him to further my self hate.  I close my eyes so I don't have to look at him.  I know he would be disappointed in me for being here, it's a good thing he's not really here.

When I open my eyes again, Phil is gone.  Noah is still watching me from the shadows and I tug down my t-shirt to cover my bottom half, I wasn't wearing pants and I did have a little dignity left.  Even if he was a figment of my imagination.

"You can get up, angel," Noah says in his soft tenor, I hear the soft click of boots moving around the room.  I do sit up, if for nothing else other than to not be so vulnerable.  He was the only color in this black and white room, his beautiful tattoos vivid in the monochrome.

"Why should I?" I ask, looking at him.  I wanted to reach out for him, but I didn't want to seem pathetic even if he was only here because of my imagination.

"You don't have to keep punishing yourself," he says standing before me.

"You don't know what you are talking about," I scoff, even if he was dead on.  I have to turn away from him, I can't look fake Noah in the eyes.

Noah stops before me, using his forefinger and thumb to tilt my chin up. It ignites a fire low in my stomach, so hot I feel my cheeks flush. I don't have a choice but to look in his eyes and for a moment this feels real.  Like he's really here, and not a figment of my imagination.  But I know better.  I feel a calm take over my body and I don't feel self-deprecating over dream hooking up with Phil anymore.

"There, that's better," Noah sighs, closing his eyes. 

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" I snap, because he's not real and I want to lash out but I don't want him to know I care.

"I took care of it," he says brushing my hair behind my ear.  My stomach somersaults, this feels so real.

"Ah, a minute man."

"I didn't touch her, angel," he assures me, dropping his hand.  It brushes my bare leg and I suck in a breath, he smirks at me.

"Of course you didn't, it's a dream and I conjured you up.  Why would I tell myself you touched another woman a millisecond after you kissed me?"

Noah laughs incredulously, "does this feel like I dream to you?"  Noah's large hand presses firmly into my thigh, skimming the skin all the way to my hip.  I admit his touch doesn't feel phantom like Phil's did.  Maybe I'm making up what he feels like because I want him to touch me so fucking bad.  "Use your words, angel." Noah's fingers skirt over my panties and under my shirt, his hand stops just under my breast.

"N-no," it comes out a moan, and it's all I can manage while I spin out of control. 

"It's because I'm really here, with you," Noah's head dips down and presses a feather soft kiss on my neck.