Forever Connected

Fear

The concept of fear has always fascinated me. Many claim fear is a fundamental of life. From the biggest wild animals to a small goldfish, we all have this instinctual fear within us.

Animals show this fear through their instances. They know to be scared of the road, certain foods, even humans. Baby turtles pop right out of the shell knowing they must rush to the water for the fear of a bird swooping them away or any other danger once they hit the sea. It's all driven by fear.

Yet while humans may have instinctual fears we also learn fear. We learn to fear what's around us. We learn to fear deep waters, high buildings, even certain alarms. We get taught to fear all these things from a young age. Yet as we grow older we learn to fear our own species. We learn that humans are the real things to be feared, we learn to never trust. 

When you're a kid it's driven into you not to talk to strangers, that people online are scary, that bullies will hurt you and slurs will be spat simply for the way you look or the box you don't fit into. You learn just how cruel humans can be.  As we grow older we turn these fears into caution. We take this fear and put it on a back burner, simply dismissing it as something to be mindful of. But in some cases, those fears don't go away. They fester within your own home, within those you are meant to trust, within your own family. They turn into a lifestyle of constant anxiety that feels inescapable.

Fear is buried into the deepest routes of our brain. And when it lands in the wrong hands it becomes a powerful weapon. To make a person stay in line, to stay obedient, to gain power. Control comes with fear, and people use it day in and day out.

As I shut the door to Alex's room I can't help but see how this fear has festered inside of her. These reactions shes having being rooted deep in fear. The way her eyes flicker shut when she thinks shes going to get hurt. The way her breath starts to catch when shes stressed. The way adults in her life have come to control her even outside of their grasp through the weaponization of fear.

Fear that stems through experience isn't something you can just learn to ignore. The pure venom that seeps into your brain through abuse can't be shoved away. Its something you need to heal, and even with healing it never truly goes away. It becomes a constant battle to cope and let the better parts of you take control rather than the venom that lays constantly in your mind.

Healing is something that is hard to do alone. It doesn't come easily or naturally. The process takes time, patience, and dedication. There's not a lot of things I can say for sure but this I can. Alex will never have to deal with healing alone, because I wont be leaving her side anytime soon. 

———

I take a sigh as I continue to walk down the hallway heading towards the kitchen. I need some alcohol right now. I'm not an alcoholic, don't get me wrong here, but after a day like this it's nice to unwind. I open the wine fridge that lays under the counter and take out a bottle of wine. One of the perks of having a chef as a boyfriend is his obsession with nice wins. I go to take a glass out of the cabinet before pausing. 

Fuck. I really shouldn't be drinking with her around right now. Mitch and Lauren used to always drink right before getting really nasty. Shes barley, if even trusts me sober, she does not need to worry about my reaction to alcohol as well. 

I close the cabinet and put the wine back into the fridge. I make a mental reminder to put a lock on it later in case Alex wants to get into it. I honestly don't know much about her anymore, but  I've been a dumb hurting teen before, the last thing she needs speaking from experience is her hands on alcohol. 

i feel a buzz in my pocket indicating I got a text. I pulled out my phone to see a text from Oliver. I quickly swipe open my phone to read the text.

'Hi hun, I just pulled into the parking lot. Should I come in or do you too need a few more minutes?' 

A small smile came to my face as I read the text. I'm so lucky to have a boyfriend like him. I quickly shoot him a text saying Alex just got to bed so hes free to come in whenever he wishes to. I see the read message alert letting me know Oliver is going to be here in a few minutes.

Having opted out of the wine I grabbed a glass to get some water instead. I fill up the cup using the tap on the fridge before making my way over and laying down on the couch. Well laying is probably a stretch, more like I fell onto the couch. Today has been so exhausting. 

I hear the front door click open as the door handle was twisted, shortly followed by the squeaking of hinges. I flopped my head to the side in order to see my wonderful boyfriend standing in the front door. He gave me a slight smile and chuckle looking at my disheveled state on the couch. He tossed his keys on the counter and closed the door before locking it. 

He started to make his way over towards me before polling down on the couch next to my head He looked down at my face which was right under his before leaning down for a kiss which I returned. 

"Long day huh?" He asked me

"God you couldn't imagine. It's alright though, shes safe now, and I'll do anything to keep it that way"

"You're a good brother Tyler" he says giving me one of his sweet smiles

I looked up at him before sighing. "Am I though? I mean I left her, I didn't even think about helping her before that call today. The way she acts, god she had a full panic attack today because I walked towards her. She thought I was going to hurt her Oliver! I just left her to experience those awful things" I whisper yelled in order to not wake or disturb Alex. 

"Tyler, there are lots of things I wish I could  change in life, things I wish I could make up for. But each and every one of those experiences makes me into who I am today. You were just a kid trying your best to survive. And sure it doesn't excuse how you treated her during that time but now you have the chance to make up for it. And you right now feeling bad about it, wanting to protect her and keep her safe, it proves to me more than anything that your a good brother. And I know that each day you're going to work to convince her of that too"

"Do you really think it's going to make up for everything though. That this all is going to make up for all shes had to experience. Do you even think she will forgive me!"

"She doesn't need to forgive you for you guys to move forward. There are some actions that aren't meant to be forgotten or ignored. There are some actions we can never make up for because everything we do is permanent in someone else's mind. But what we can do is make the future better. We can make choices that never let us doubt the impact we had. You are no longer the Tyler she once knew, you're different. and even if she doesn't ever come around to you, you'll know you gave her a safe place to be, from now till forever."

"Oliver?"

"Hm?"

"Your a good boyfriend"

"Yeah,  I know that already" He says giving me a smirk

I start to chuckle making him follow suit until we are both cracking up. Hes right, she doesn't need to forgive me or forget whats happened. All she truly needs to know is she is safe and loved here, no matter what.

———

"Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out." - Karl Augustus Menninger