Forever Connected

Shopping

Oliver and I had been sitting in the car for a few minutes now. When we had first entered the car he had informed me that the mall/shopping center he was taking me to was about 20 minutes away. However since then we have both been sitting in an awkward silence that was only occasionally interrupted by the sound of the AI voice reading off the directions from his phone.

I honestly don't think either of us had any clue what to say to the other. I mean both of us are in an awkward situation. Neither of us truly know what the power balance in this relationship is. Is he meant to be more of a guardian? A friend? An uncle? It's just so confusing. I mean how often is it that your estranged half brother takes you in after abounding you for 4 years leading to his boyfriend taking you shopping? I'm so sure that happens everyday. Honestly ever since Tyler said he would take me everything has become confusing. 

I had finally come to terms with my miserable life. I was used to the abuse. I was used to neglect. I knew that I had to fend for myself, that's just how it was. It's how it still should be. I am and always have been better off alone. I hurt people, I cause them issues. I am the problem.

I don't understand why everything is changing. It's just so confusing. I don't know how to respond when people aren't out to get me. I've put up my walls. I've learned to be rude and speak my mind so no one gets attached. But now? I have no clue what to do. 

"Why don't you play some music you like?" Oliver asks me finally breaking the silence between us.

"I don't have a phone to play anything on" I bluntly responded.

Oliver shot me a sad look before turning back to the road. He took a sigh before grabbing his phone and holding it out to me. I stared at the phone confused about what he wanted me to do.

"Play something off my phone" he told me as I finally grabbed the phone.

I look up my user name on Spottily and pick one of my playlists. I always make them public because one, I don't care who listened to my music taste, it's good af. And two, you never know if you are going to be able to sign into your account, or even have a device that's yours. It's better to be able to just find it no matter what.

I press shuffle on the playlist making our silence slightly less awkward. The music was playing for a little before Oliver went to speak again. 

"Tyler and I are going to get you a phone soon. It might not be a brand new model but we'll definitely get you one"

"It's okay. You guys don't need to waste your money I'll find a job or something. Your already buying me stuff today." I reply.

Sure having a phone would be nice but I've dealt without one for a long time. They don't need to keep wasting their money on me. Also having a reason to get a job would work out in my favor later on. I want to have the money in case anything happens while I'm here. I can't trust these people yet and having money on me for emergencies like being kicked out and what not would be really helpful.

"You don't need to get a job kid. I understand wanting your own money and what not but we will provide for you. Even if we can't always get you the newest things because quite honestly we are just two people in our early twenties we will always provide what you need. We also want you to have a phone in case you need to contact us or others at any point. God forbid something happens you should be able to do that. Besides emergencies we'd like to know where you are if you choose to hang out with friends one day or whatever else" he explained to me

"it's not like you should care. I've been just fine on my own for the past 4 years. I can take care of myself" I argue back.

"I'm sure you can, and you have, but you shouldn't have had to Alex. That wasn't fair to you, you were and are a kid. You deserve to be cared for and protected. And we will make sure you are now"

"Tell that to your boyfriend. He's the one that fucking abandoned me in the middle of the night! He knew they were abusive! He knew that and he just left me! Was he really that fucking stupid to think they wouldn't abuse me too! Or did he just not care then! And now he decides he wants me again? Why the hell does he care now!" I yell at Oliver as tears start to stream down my face. Fuck I shouldn't have done that, why do I just let it all slip. Why do I even care so much.

I feel the car stop as the engine cuts. Oliver had pulled to the side of the road. Fuck he's going to get mad. He's going to hurt me. Why do I need to ruin everything. Why can't I hold my tongue. I try to breathe as tears just keep running down my face.  

I ball  my knees up to my chest and hide my face in my legs. Just make it stop. Why won't everything just stop. I want to be okay, god I want to be okay. If I could just keep my damn mouth closed non of this would have happened.

I feel my door open sending a chilly breeze my way. Oliver's hand gently takes mine and places it over his chest. I feel his chest rise and fall as he purposely takes deep breaths. I feel my breath slowing as I follow the rise and fall of his chest. I look over at him with my tear stained face as he kneels on the ground outside.

I feel my hands shaking as I try to calm down. He gently takes both my hands and encases them in his trying to stop the shaking. After a few minutes he takes his top hand off both of mine and opens the glove box. He pulls out some napkins and hands them to me. 

I gently take the napkins and wipe my face. God I feel so stupid. Why can't I just stop showing weakness I front of them. This isn't like me. Why am I acting like this.

"Are you feeling better" Oliver asks me in a gentle voice speaking for the first time since we pulled over.

I nod not trusting myself to speak right now.

He gives me a sad smile before continuing to talk. "I want you to know what Tyler did wasn't right. It's not okay what he did to you, that was cruel, and it hurt you. While it will never excuse his actions he was still a kid too. Sometimes kids make really stupid choices, I mean god I still make stupid choices. And while I can never speak for Tyler I think he regrets the choice to leave you everyday. You have every right to be upset about this though, and you always will. You don't need to forgive his actions even if you end up having a good relationship with him."

"H-he still left. And he's- he's just been living a normal life. He could have- I don't know, he could have at least reached out. He could have done anything now that's he's older and he didn't"

"Everything your feeling is extremely valid Alex. But unfortunately these aren't questions I can answer for you. Everyone has their reasons for everything, and as much as I wish I could tell you what his reasons are/were I can't. That's only something he can tell you."

I nodded my head not feeling like talking further. Oliver finally stood up after kneeling in the ground for so long. He looked me over almost examining me before speaking again.

"Are you okay if we start driving again or do you want to stay here for a little longer?" He asks me

"We can go" I respond 

"Do you want to head back home? Or would you rather still head to the shops? It won't be a inconvenience either way. We can always go tomorrow if you need" he tells me giving me a sympathetic look. I hate pity.

Before yesterday I lived by 3 rules. One, hurt or be hurt. Two, don't let anyone in. Three, always put yourself first, if that person wouldn't do that for you don't do it for them. They kept me alive. They helped me run away with no regrets when I needed to. They helped me call the cops on Mitch when he pointed a gun at Lauren and me.

I don't need anyone. I don't need people. From this day forward I can't show weakness to them. I'm not weak and never have been. I don't need the both of them. I need to learn to keep them out. I know that as soon as I trust them, as soon as I'm comfortable, they'll stab me in the back.

"I'm fine. Lets go to the shops" I bluntly state as I look Oliver in the eyes.  

———

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irving