Black Widow | 18+

19 | September

Artemisia 

It had been rough. 

That was a good way to put it. 

Not only had it been rough, but we were now in that time of year.

September. 

What a fucking time to be alive. 

The significance of September to me was bittersweet. On the one hand, it was the month I escaped from my captors, and at 11 years old I had single-handedly killed men more than twice my size out of pure rabid rage and injustice. 

On the other hand, September was the month I had been taken. September was the month that I heard the voice at eight years old declaring he wanted nothing to do with me, and that everyone else could do as they pleased. 

I felt like I was going insane.

This September was harder, because I used to be able to swear on a day where I would put an end to Leandro once I had finished with my career and I could totally vanish after. However, now I was in love with him and had cried about how I was staying with him even when he was getting married to someone else. 

It was totally fucked. 

The last time we spoke had been this morning, but the last time I had seen him in person was over two weeks ago when I had flown back to New York. Now he was in Monaco on his honeymoon after being in two prior destinations, no doubt doing business at the same time, and here I was overthinking every little word we had spoken to one another over the phone. 

I dreaded his calls because I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be insecure, but the truth was that I was terrified of him coming to realise that he did in fact love Clementina, especially after they had been married, and this fleeting affair with me had been a sham as a result of last minute nerves. 

In a way I wanted it to be the case, I wanted him to come back and tell me just that, so I could move on and not feel this crushing fear and endless doubt of my self worth. I could go back to being the woman who didn't have time for love, relationships, and meaning. 

It was getting to the point where I wanted to hurt him before he could hurt me more, but Otterly was being extremely firm with me on that. 

"Typical." She sighed, "here you are, being loved by a man who would move continents for you, and now you want to hurt him because you're scared. Artemisia, tough it out, you'll see him and you'll remember just why he gave you that necklace. The honeymoon is a formality, it would look strange if it didn't happen, he calls you everyday and nothing about him changes. Don't make the fact that you're feeling insecure his problem."

I sat back into the armchair and looked up at the ceiling. She was right, annoyingly right, but that didn't change the fact that this month was going to be difficult. 

Otterly and I had been through the month of September twice before. She'd been my therapist for three years now, and we were about to embark on our third annual chaotic period. 

"How do you think he feels about September?" She asked. I shut my eyes and began to dig my nails into my neck, something that happened when I didn't know what to say, or if I didn't know how to word it. "Say it Artemisia."

"I think it's probably always been a bad month for him, so hopefully he'll be relieved; but I..."

"You what?" 

I opened my eyes and looked at Otterly, "I'm afraid I'll drive him away with my behaviour if things get too out of hand this year." 

Otterly nodded, "What's the worst that could happen?"