SHINING STAR II OUTER BANKS CAST II REAL LIFE

guilt

author's note: The song text is inspired by Kelsea Ballerini's song Penthouse with some lines by myself. Credits go to the wonderful Kelsea here, her song's amazing, check it out!

___

I haven't stopped thinking about my dad's words for a few days. His words hit me hard especially because I know that they're true. I've tried to change within the past days and I've already made up to my mom. 

At least that's what she's saying but I plan to visit her soon. That's the least I can do. Until then, I have to re-structure my day. I'm done on set but the lyrics for new songs keep flashing through my mind so I keep writing them down until there's nothing left.

We moved to a place with a view off of our hometown

while everyone moves here, I wished to leave

But we were never there on the weekends

i'stead we we were working long nights

We got along real nice

but when I left the town

how much did you hate me?

It hurts putting shit in a box

knowing the dream's over here

Cause people that I loved are just people that I knew once

though it's me who left

The rumors going around

is it me, was it you

this town getting involved, I had to flee

I'm blowing up my life, but I'm finding a way home

I walk out on the stage, and go cry about it later

"You're lucky Isabella isn't happy today or else you'd have to fake some smiles", Chase speaks to me as he enters my trailer after his last shot for the day. He also interrupts my writing session but that's fine. I have to go home anyways. 

"You're right. I'm not in a good mood so it'd be better if you stop by tomorrow", I sigh but give him a weak smile. I don't want to push any of them away from me, espeically not Chase, but I need to change my clothes and get home now. I need to call mom once more. Instead of leaving, Chase sits down in front of me. 

"Come on.. Tell Chase what's wrong", Chase smiles at me softly making me sigh once more before I open up to him. "I haven't called my dad in months", I admit regretting my behavior, "I got so used to living this life and enjoying it that I let down my friends and family back home. I've been traveling a lot more with Rudy than visiting my mom." Instinctively, Chase lays his hand on my knee and smiles at me to calm me down. 

"But Sarah, that's nothing you have to worry about", Chase says softly, "It's your family, they understand you. And there's been a pandemic happening. You had less chances to visit them compared to before." "I know you're trying to comfort me but you won't wash away my guilt. I've shown way too little effort." 

"But you shouldn't punish yourself by thinking about what's happened. You can make up for it now and visit them soon." "Yeah.. But Rudy and I've planned to visit his family in Alaska", I whisper being annoyed by myself. Rudy didn't have to switch lives. He's enjoyed his life before so he didn't jump into another one easily. He didn't forget about his home and loved ones. So Rudy would just ask me to join him on his trip home a few times a year. Instead, I don't even think about it myself. 

"So what? You don't need to join him, Sarah", Chase tells me seriously, "You need to know what's worth changing and what's not. If you need someone finding it out by your side, I'm here whenever." He's right. I don't need to join Rudy. I actually don't want to join him this time. I hate to use this phrase but it's not about him, it's about me. 

Who am I if I'm not around him? Is that me? Obviously not. At least not all of me. I don't feel fulfilled at the moment. I know how stupid that must sound. Me living the life of an American actress. Filming a netflix series, hanging out with friends on set, living in big cities, red carpets, huge events. I've achieved everything that I've dreamed of regarding my career. However, my personal life is far away from what I've wanted. I've always imagined already having two kids and a house. Maybe we'd have a dog as well. Yet here I am not even knowing who I am. 

"Thank, Chase. You've helped me a lot", I smile at him having realized some truths of my current personal life. "Have I?", Chase asks surprised and I smile at him reassuringly. "You have", I nod and let myself fall into his open arms, "You're the best friend I could ask for. Thanks for being such a huge support." "Of course", Chase whispers against my hairline, "Come on. I'll walk you home."

Chase and I live close to each other so we walk most of the way together joking constantly. I still laugh when I get back into my apartment. "Hey, what's gotten you so happy?", Rudy smiles at me from the kitchen. I go over to him to greet him with a kiss. 

"Chase and I have just been talking about some fun stuff on our way home." "Chase has been walking you home?" "It's on his way", I reply shrugging and greet Odessa and Drew who sit in the living room together. I sometimes wonder if Rudy would want to move out together. He's not as close as I to the them and Austin. 

He used to hang out with Drew and Maddie but he somehow distanced himself from them. I still think it's about how Elaine was talking about Maddie when her and Rudy got along really well but I can't say it for sure so I stay quiet about it. As long as Rudy doesn't mention moving out, I enjoy my time here. 

I got to know Austin and Drew first and they've been supporting me from day one even when we didn't know each other a lot so I'm thankful for having them around. Odessa immediately pulls me into a group hug when I enter the living room and we laugh together. "Hey guys." "Hey", she smiles at me widely, "You should spend some time with loverboy. He's been waiting for you." 

I nod knowing that I have to talk to Rudy anyways so I should prioritise that. I stand up and go back to my room where Rudy's waiting for me not knowing about my question. "Can we talk?"