My Light, My Jimin

Chapter 29: Friends

"I'm one of those people."  It's not a tactic for him to feel guilty for me.  It's a fact, a truth I'm willing to admit out loud.  Most likely the only truth I can admit out loud without bringing anyone down with me.

He straightens.  "I'm going to say this once: You will never be one of them.  He has fought too many battles with you and stayed up too many nights on calls with you about shit that goes over my head.  You and him will be on even ground.  There's nothing taken or owed, and there's nothing broken.  He just wants to know why his friend left him."

"I can't tell him."  My confession, when it comes, is just as quiet as his, but it's so shameful.  I'm ashamed of myself, of what I've become.  I've turned into something people like Jimin should fear; a monster in love with an angel. 

The dimming sunlight outlines his profile, broad shoulders against the golden glow.  We are both so tired, each for our own different reasons.  Though I don't know him as much as Namjoon, I want to be honest with Jin.  For once, I want to be the one venting.

I cover my face.  "I swear, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think there was another way."

Jin nods.  "You wouldn't threaten exposing us if you didn't have a damn good reason."

I lift my head, staring at him as he gives me a pitying look, like he's watching me outside a zoo while I'm the animal held in captivity, forced to be spectated by all who spare a glance. 

"So," he says.  "What's the reason?"

When I don't answer, he presses further.

"Are you sworn to secrecy?"

Still no answer.

"Because if you got yourself in trouble on someone else's account, I'm going to be pissed," he adds.

"I'm not in trouble," I say.

"So you're keeping someone out of trouble."  He pauses.  "They must be important to you."

"More than anyone will ever know," I say, and that's all the answer he needs.  I really am just a wildfire, destroying everything that can get close enough for me to consume. 

"I'm sorry."

It's like we're communicating telepathically, not needing to speak aloud to let the other know empathy is reaching each of us.  Out of everyone on this campus, Jin would know what it's like to keep a relationship secret.  He would understand how it feels to calculate your response to any comment regarding your personal life and coming up with a believable lie on the spot.  I wish he knew just how much I appreciated him being here, a reminder that people like him live in the shadows of the ones who speak louder.

"Do you love them?"

It's like the air sharpens around us, and my entire body tenses and then releases just as quickly like armor being stripped away.  An ingrained response to such a question, a reaction that both of us have.  Namjoon was his secret, the real love no one knew but me, and he couldn't have fully trusted me back then when I was a stranger. 

I know Jin, but I don't.  He knows me, but doesn't.

I picture Jimin standing in front of me, waiting for my answer.  His youth shining bright on his face, a true beauty that casts doubt on the inevitable fact that he will eventually grow old, maybe grow a family that won't be my own.  He'll graduate and move on, thinking back on me every few years or so, reflecting on that one professor that obsessed over him too much to the point of acting pathetic. 

"I do," I say.  "I love them so much it hurts them."

He stands and walks around the desk to pat my shoulder.  "Someone's bound to get hurt.  Everything done to protect someone almost always ends up in flames.  That's why our hearts have rib cages to protect us, because we get so caught up in saving others that we don't realize we're burning until it's too late."

"And you had to endure that while being with Namjoon?"

"I did.  I still do.  And I'll continue walking through a burning world with him until my legs snap off."

We're quiet again, taking in each other's words, advice, and experience.  I wouldn't mind it if Jin didn't walk away from me and return to the desk like we have unfinished business.  He sits with his hands in his lap, perfect posture. 

"You're an idiot, you know," he says.

"Gee, thanks."

"I don't mean that as an insult.  I'm an idiot, too, in my own way."  He leans forward, narrowing his eyes and letting a small smile come into view.  "But even idiots like me know that friends are always here for emotional, logical, and reasonable support, even without knowing all the details."

I nod.  "Thanks, Jin."

He stands and heads for the door before pausing, turning back to me.  "Free advice?"

I nod.

"If they mean this much to you, let them know.  Make sure they know just how much you're willing to go the extra mile for.  And when you do, don't let them go."

"I will."

"You're a good person.  Remember that."

I stay at my desk as he leaves, shutting the door behind him.  It's only after I'm certain I'm alone do I release the breath I had been holding back all this time.