To Carry a Torch | KTH ✅

Chapter 21: What am I to You?

Lily's words hit me like a brick; she's right. I look back and Blossom laughing as Jimin makes Chimmy look like he's running from Yoongi and it warms my heart.

"Okay. I trust you," I breathe out but my body is abuzz trying to process my new life.

💜

Tae's POV 🎺

It's been a week since Yeona stomped out of that room on me, and quite honestly, I wasn't in the right mind to stop her. I'm truly not sure what to do anymore; it shattered my heart when she said she couldn't deal with me in her life anymore. I haven't been sleeping or eating well, trying to figure out where to go from here, but I promised to meet Lily at Rogue to talk and listen to the final mix for my album. As I make myself at home on the couch in Lily's studio, like I have so many times, she puts on the album, and I close my eyes to cut through my thoughts and concentrate on the music.

"Lily, the final mix sounds so good!" I finally say after a few songs. "I can't believe you really helped me achieve my dreams. It's that mix of jazz and blues influences that I've always dreamed my music could sound like." I breathe out.

"I agree; you will finally show the world who you are musically, Tae. This isn't going in the delete pile this time. You're finally doing it!" she claps gently, looking pleased.

"We did this together. It's your album as much as mine," I offer. "I never could have fleshed out the right sound without you.

"I'm glad you think so because there is something I want to talk to you about," Lily says as she turns down the volume and wheels her chair toward the couch.

"Sure, Lily, anything," I say, carefully preparing to start the conversation about Yeona that I know we need to have.

"I want to go on tour."

"What?" I ask, confused. Lily has terrible stage fright. Outside of the occasional live stream from her studio, she stopped performing live shows after she left America a long time ago.

"I want to tour your album with you. Is that too much to ask? Would you rather do it alone? Maybe I'm asking too much," she says, starting to talk to herself. "Of course, that's too much to ask -gosh, Yoongi is right, I do have balls of steel," she laughs.

"Oh my God, don't you dare talk yourself out of this!" I cut in quickly. "Lily, yes, yes, one thousand times, yes. Please, let's do this. I want you on stage with me, singing with me and playing the piano...and the guitar...fuck I want you to do allll the things...." I laugh.

"Phew!" she laughs while pretending to wipe sweat from her brow. "What do you think if we don't use any backing tracks? I'd like to put a band together, complete with backup vocalists, and put on an entire live show."

"This is my dream! Chez Musique is going on the road!" I exclaim excitedly as I refer to the pretend club that has been an ongoing joke Lily and I have been indulging in for years.

"Okay, then I'll get Ha-Kun on it. We will work out the details with BH, and you and I will plan and design the entire show together!"

"I'm so excited, Lily, but I have to ask what made you change your mind about going on the road after all these years?"

"When I was holding Blossom in my arms and watching her drift asleep, it dawned on me how precious and unpredictable life is. Here is Yeona; she's been trying to hold her and her little one's lives together at all costs. She's sacrificed everything to keep Blossom fed and clothed, but she's given up her own needs in the meantime. She can't just run off and follow any dream she wants to pursue! Here I am, having escaped my own hell so long ago, but how much living have I been doing lately, holed up in my studio? Yoongi is constantly out there challenging himself to stretch and grow, but when was the last time I took a real risk? I need to do this. I have the means to do it -why am I squandering it?"

"Oh, Lil," I choke out. "We're doing this."

Inhaling, I let Lily's words soak into my brain. I haven't been thinking about what Yeona has been feeling all these years; I realize I've spent the last week judging her decisions instead of trying to put myself in her shoes. "Lily, how is she?" I say quietly.

"Having a hard time excepting that she is going to be relying on other people from here on out to help her get on her feet. That's the problem when you've lived with a narcissist for years, she's been gaslighted into thinking she's never good enough, and I know she feels like she's failed."

My heart pounds in my chest, I hate that she's feeling this way, but she's so upset right now I'm too afraid to reach out. Afraid we will go in circles again, fighting about what's going on. "What's the plan?"

"Well, I moved Yeona and Blossom into my old apartment so they can have a safe and calm space to call home; I've also arranged for some counseling for Yeona, and we are just going to start taking it day by day. She is so upset, repeating that she doesn't want to be treated like a charity case, so I've arranged for her to do some part-time work from home for me until we can figure out the childcare aspect. Ari has plenty of administration tasks she can have her work on."

"Can't she come back to work at BH now that she's not with her mother?" I ask, wishing we could rewind time and start over. "I could pay for daycare...or a nanny...she doesn't need to know it's me paying...."

"Yeona's terrified of strangers with Blossom, and I really can't blame her. Yeona has never had anyone except her or her mother take care of Blossom, and she's experienced so much trauma herself that she is just terrified, Tae. Originally, Yoongi and I offered to help foot the bill for daycare, hell Blossom already has Yoongi wrapped around her little finger, but Yeona wouldn't hear of it. It will be a while before we can help her figure out that piece. I really think some counseling will help with her fears."

"You're right; ugh, I wasn't thinking. I was being selfish again," I murmur.

"How are YOU doing with all this? It hurts me to hear you think you're selfish. It's simply not true," Lily says softly.

"I'm confused. I know she's been through so much, but I wish she had just told me upfront. I don't understand still," I admit, trying not to get upset again.

"Taehyung, you know her mother was shunned when Yeona got pregnant out of wedlock, right? Single mothers are social outcasts here; the day Yeona had Blossom was when she became invisible in this society, and the guy she was with even denied he ever knew Yeona and disappeared. He never helped them a day in his life. Don't you get that she didn't want to be discovered by a sasaeng and ruin your career? She panicked the day that picture was published of you two, even without her face in it. Tae, she loves you. She's been trying to save everyone else for the entirety of her life. She just isn't equipped to handle her love for you right now; she's overwhelmed."

Tears start streaming down my face, and Lily comes to sit next to me, letting me lean my head on her shoulder, "I really fucked up with the way I reacted the other night...."

"You didn't, Tae. Jin told me about what happened at work, and truly I understand that it felt like the rug had been ripped out underneath you multiple times that day. It was a lot to go through," Lily says gently as she squeezes my hand.

"Tell me, do you still feel the same way about Yeona now that you know she has Blossom and her situation?"

"I really do," I confess.

"Enough to risk everything for her?"

I let the words hang in the air as I truly consider what that could look like. Can I give up my whole life for Yeona and little Blossom –if they would even have me?

"I think I need more time to think with my head and not just with my heart; because my heart says yes, but this would go far beyond me," I finally reply.

"And that's okay," Lily replies. "Just remember, Yeona never meant to hurt you, Taehyung. She was just surviving the only way she knew how. Underneath it all, she might be the strongest woman any of us have ever met."

The truth of Lily's words wash over me, and I sigh.

Where do I go from here?