My Light, My Jimin

Chapter 12: Field Trip

I'm stuck on what to do, either to go back inside and pretend I didn't see, or follow him outside.   I have no reason to follow him other than this instinctive feeling like a duckling waddling after its mother.  A pull that makes me feel secure just being in his presence.

He twirls the cigarette between his thumb and forefinger, then looks over his shoulder at me.   I leave the classroom door open just a crack and step outside with him.

"I thought you were leaving," I say.  "I was scared that you decided to head home and leave me to figure out my way back."

He turns over his lighter in his other hand.  His eyes stay on me.  "I wouldn't leave you without saying anything."  He lifts his cigarette.   "Don't smoke.  It's a nasty habit."

"Then why do you do it?"

He laughs.  "I wanted to look cool once.   Now I'm paying for the consequences."

I laugh from the shock of hearing him say that he wanted to look cool, as if he wasn't already cool to begin with.  He smirks and takes another drag before throwing down his cigarette and stomping it out.

He and I return back to the classroom, and I notice how he shuts the door behind him all the way.  He turns toward the windows, crosses his arms over his chest.  Something's on his mind, I can feel it.

Now it's my turn to ask, "Is something wrong?"

He turns to me and looks, really looks, at me.  I can see his mind tossing around an idea, whether it would be wise to share it with me or not.  Finally, he speaks in a deep, low voice.

"Does it make you nervous when I stare?"

It's a genuine question and shouldn't be anything other than that.  But it catches me off guard anyway.

I expect him to follow up with an explanation to why he does it in the first place, but he remains silent, waiting for me in the same way he'd wait in class for a response to a tough question.  The fact that he's staring at me now and I'm not hissing like a raccoon should give some indication that we've moved past my pet peeve.

I decide to play my cards smoothly.  "I know you can't resist, so, no."

His face starts to shift, surprise mixes with a smile, and I can't stop myself from smirking.   It feels like I should say more.  I wonder if this is flirting, but it can't be.  Flirting is supposed to be fun and loose, and this is too heavy.

Professor Min nods like he's accepting defeat and crosses the room back to his desk.  He closes his laptop and packs it away in his black messenger bag before turning back to me.   "Go ahead and get your stuff.  I'll drive you to the dorms."

"Are you sure?" I ask.  "I can walk.  It's just a few blocks down the road."

He lifts a shoulder.  "It's not a problem.  My apartment complex is a straight shot from the dorms, so you don't have to worry about me going out of my way for you."  He straightens.  "Besides, it's rude to leave someone alone in the dark."

Again, I waver on what to say.  I could tell him that I'm fine and let him drive off without me, that sometimes I actually prefer walking alone and blast music in my earbuds, blocking out the rest of the world.  It's dangerous to do that while walking alone, especially at night, but I do it anyway for the adrenaline rush, for the unknown creeping behind me.

But knowing that I could be in a safe car sways my decision.

"Thank you," I murmur.

His small smile is seared in my brain and stay there even half an hour later when I'm in his car looking out the window at the passing signs and cars.  His car is nice and clean with leather seats.  A necklace with a guitar pick on the end hangs over the rearview mirror and swings softly.

"What's this?" I ask, reaching out and running my thumb around the edges.  I give a second thought that maybe I shouldn't touch his stuff without permission, but Professor Min doesn't stop me.

"It was a gift from Namjoon—" He pauses, clears his throat.  "Professor Kim."

His eyes flick from me to the road, trying to read me.  I'm reminded again that I'm a student, one that knows a lot more than the average person attending a university as grand as this.  Then again, he seems to let me get away with a lot of things, but there's a reason why I don't boast about this.  Not when there's a risk for it.

Oddly enough, even though I know I'm doing something wrong by letting myself inside a random car, I feel safe with him at the wheel.  It's like we've done this before.

The sound of tires crunches on the loose gravel of the parking lot and I glance up to see the dorms.  That didn't take long at all.  There's orange streetlights lining the area and a few stray cats lingering around the dumpsters, but the dorms are silent, probably because of the curfew.

I glance at Professor Min.  He doesn't make an attempt to get out of the vehicle, but he catches my attention and hesitates, like he's unsure of what to do now.  And to be honest, so am I.  This feels awkward, but it shouldn't because it's nothing.  It's just a friendly ride, nothing more.

"Um, thank you again for dropping me off," I say.  I sound tense, and I don't mean to be.  What's going on?

"You're welcome," he says.  "Just don't turn this into a regular thing, okay?"

I nod and get out of the car.  I spare a quick look and small wave before I'm inside the dorm, moving fast through the first floor until I find the stairway.  It's only when I'm certain I'm alone do I let my backpack fall off my shoulders and lean against the cinderblock walls.

I have no idea why I'm suddenly out of breath, but I am.  It feels like I've been underwater for years and now that I'm alone, I can finally breathe.  The tension in the car has dispersed, but now it's replaced with my own feelings of anxiety, of wondering what just happened, of realizing he thought about driving me again.