Lately I've been in this odd state. It's a place where some parts of me are at this inner undisturbed peace. But other parts of me are in constant turmoil. I'm not sure if this is perhaps some strange result of healing, or maybe growing up. But it's odd, because do I disturb this inner peace to sort out the turmoil inside? Do I stay here and be grateful that at least now, I'm able to say I felt okay a few times recently?
I'm almost twenty; and while I recognise my adulthood, and move accordingly, there are some instances where I feel like a preteen once again. Alone, awkward, uncomfortable in my own skin, too young for the body that I was given. I suppose everything within me has a sense of contradiction. And before, I hated it, because it often made folks think that I was a liar, didn't know what I wanted, and probably a follower and pretender. But now, I'm growing to accept the contradictions that exist within me. I'm learning to accept those as part of who I am, a part that is unexplained and will forever be misunderstood by everyone- except myself. A part of me, who's mystery is demystified for me and only me.
I'm both very insecure, and confident. I think it's because one by one, I'm perming to accept and navigate my insecurities. It helps that I've grown into my body, it helps that my skin is clearing up. It helps that I'm finally getting a doctor to listen, qnd obtaining the diagnoses that I need to be healthier. It helps that I'm accepting and trying to work on the flaws that I have the ability to change.
Though I remain an introvert, and still shy, I now have a wonder about the world that wasn't there before. I'm more open to going out, and even initiated a few times recently. I'm a little more tolerable of meeting new people. I'm more confident in my own ways. In some ways I'm kinder, braver and a little more gentle with others. I'm slowly learning what it means to accept help, to ask for it at first. In some ways I'm understanding that despite my natural inclination to do this all alone, I can't. I'm learning and learning.
I'm still alive, and here, despite it all. Despite all the attempts I've made on my own life, despite the constant fight to belive that I deserve to be here, and that I don't deserve to live in pain. That me failing to die is and will always be a good thing. I'm still breathing. I made it to being 19. I'm 19! I never thought is be here. I'm growing up, and it's painful, but I'm beginning to understand that a great deal of that pain wasn't deserved, or my fault. I'm grateful to still be here, even when I convince myself that it would be better to disappear. Even when. Depression gets me, even when it's hard not to harm my skin, me still breathing means I've gained strength, and I've not lost this fight yet
15/4/2023
~Jedi
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Hi!
So I realised a few things when I initially wrote this entry.
1. I realised that I did make it quite far from where I was.
2. I'm still here. And sometimes I tell myself that it's totally against my will but, the fact is, I'm here, today. Breathing....not in some morgue somewhere. My dreams are still alive and ready to be and reality that I want them to be.
3. I'm stronger. Even if what I needed was to feel safe and not strength. I gained strength, made it my own and weirded it in a way that allowed me to survive.
4. I'm healing. Which is a lot more than still having a festering wound.
In any case, I had no set direction when I began to write, but the more I wrote the more realisations I came to. It felt good, it made me proud of myself, and I know that younger me would be proud too.
Stay hydrated and don't let anyone (not even yourself) tuin your day❤️.
~Jedi❤️✨️
YOU ARE READING
The Sporadic Journal of a Quiet Teen
Non-FictionThis is exactly as the title says. I wanted to use my experiences as a way of helping myself and other people. In the times where I felt alone, it was always nice to read or hear or someone sharing their similar experiences and how they moved throu...
