The Sporadic Journal of a Quiet Teen

Entry #5

"If you compare yourself to others, you will become vain, or bitter."
~Mark Ehrmann 'Desiderata

I've never been jolted by such a line of poetry before as I had been when I heard this. It was as if electricity had passed through my heart, my insecurities, and shocked me out of a sleep I didn't know I was in. Even as I write now, my heart pounds. I feel a sudden buzz, and as though I have adrenaline coursing through my veins. Alive, as though I was dead before I heard those words. They resonated with me that much.
I've lived q life so comparison. At present I still do. I hate being compared with others, and yet I've broken my own spirit comparing myself to others. Pointing out all my own inadequacies. Taking my flaws as though I were extracting my lungs. And as those words said, I became bitter. I held my own heavy heart and was being crushed under it's weight. I guess I've listened to nothing but words harshly spoken by others, so long, comparing, exposing me.
Butter, is what I have really become. And that bitterness has created a veil over my eye- and perhaps my heart. As I write at this very moment, my chest aches. It's like my heart is suddenly raw. As though all my concealed emotions are leaking through cracks that I've made in my own. The moment I processed such words, I snapped awake. And my heart broke at the cruelty I treated myself with. And I want no more.

~Jedi
17/10/2020

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Hello,
Truth be told?
I totally avoid listening to Desiderata fro two reasons.
1. The feelings I get from listening to it are ridiculously intense and scary.
2. Since I wrote this? I still compare myself every single day, over and over. That hasn't changed. I'm still very harsh with myself. I'll learn better I guess.
(Not like I've been saying that for years now :/ )
See you next entry
~Jedi❤❤