When All is Lost

Chapter 48

"How are you holding up?" I asked, tying up my laces.

"I'm fine. We're fine," she said, looking at Jamie as she fidgeted. "It's just..."

I stood up, raising a brow at her as she leaned in closer. "Have you noticed that Carlos has been looking a little off?"

Without meaning to, my gaze sought out Carlos. I found him sitting by Jamie as the kid tried to make Ollie laugh. Despite the frigid temperatures, Carlos had a fine sheen of sweat built up across his brow and upper lip. His skin had taken on a yellow hue almost as if he was experiencing jaundice.

"Is he sick?" Other than earlier in the morning, he'd never mentioned feeling unwell or shown any signs of it – at least to me.

"I don't know." Misty kept her voice low, but I could still hear the genuine worry in her tone. "I keep asking him, but he keeps saying he's fine. I think he's been feeling sick for a while now, he just won't say anything."

I nodded slowly. "Okay, we'll cut the day short then. Once we find a better house, we'll stop for the night. But, could you please keep an eye on him? Let me know if anything changes?"

"Yeah." She breathed out a sigh of relief. "Absolutely."

I felt the pressure creeping in.

Keep them alive.

It was an easy mantra but filled with impossible choices. Cutting the day short would be good for Carlos, but it could very easily leave us short of food on the other end of our journey. It would mean less progress made and more time in a highly dangerous area. Even still, it had to be done.

Twenty minutes later, we were back out in the snow. The wind that hadn't bothered me before seemed to creep under my very skin. I wanted to blame it on my cold, wet feet, but I knew the chill in me wasn't from the cold.

Fear will get you killed. Get mad.

I tried. I really, really tried. As we marched on, I thought of all of the betrayals, failures, and death. I played each scene again and again in my head, trying to spark a visceral reaction, but the best I could do was muster puffs of frustration. Dread slithered its way up my throat, choking me.

Get mad. Get mad. Get mad.

I felt Ian's eyes on me and turned to see him looking at me with concern. I gave him a half-smile, wanting to placate him. If I couldn't get my head on straight, I at least needed his to be clear.

It's just the bodies. They are freaking you out. Don't look.

It was true. The hidden bodies under the snow disturbed me. They were the reminders that horrors were always just a hairsbreadth away. If we weren't careful, we'd join them. We'd be forgotten and left to fester, rot, and decay on the street for others to gawk at.

Stop it.

My head was so out of it I hadn't even realized that Prisha had taken over guiding us to a house while my chest constricted, fighting for air. No matter what I did, I suddenly felt like I couldn't inhale. I raised a hand to my chest, sucking in short sharp breaths.

As if out of nowhere, an arm wrapped around my shoulder, pulling me to the side of the road to let the rest of the group pass. The arm kept me turned away so the others couldn't see as I struggled to breathe.

"It's okay," Ian told me in a soft voice. "Take a breath. Inhale. Release. It's okay."

He kept repeating his words, breathing with me until I was able to do it on my own. My hands shook slightly as I lowered them from my chest. I swallowed hard, still feeling the lump in my throat, but I felt a lot better.