When All is Lost

Chapter 41

Sleep was becoming my greatest enemy. I had gotten plenty of practice in self-deprivation and it made me well-prepared for our night in the barn. No matter Big Al's assurances that we'd be safe and that he'd keep an eye on things, I wasn't about to trust an outsider on his word.

I promised Ray that he could take the next shift on watch, but by the time it was deep into the night, I made the decision not to wake him. I knew I wasn't going to sleep. Big Al had tried to keep me engaged in conversation at first, asking lots of questions about where we'd come from and the situation in the north. I'd given him short answers and he eventually caught on to my lack of interest. As nice as he may have seemed, I didn't want to get to know him.

At some point, Big Al leaned back in his wooden chair and closed his eyes. I would have believed that he'd drifted off to sleep had it not been for the steady hold he kept on his gun. His relaxed posture had the strange effect of giving me a sense of security. It was as though his lack of fear took the edge off of our situation.

Trying not to let my guard down, I spent a good amount of time listening to the world around me. Over my friends' soft snores and the hum of the generator, every once in a while I could hear signs of life as people moved about the barn, quietly chatting as they did. Outside, I could hear the howling wind as the storm picked up. A shiver ran through me at the mere thought of it.

The more time that passed, the deeper I fell into my thoughts. I tried to think over our situation and find a solution. I tried to come up with a plan. Instead, I found my eyes and thoughts drifting towards the sleeping form on the far side of the room.

No matter how hard I'd tried to put it off, I knew what had happened between me and Ian had never really left my mind. It was constantly knocking around in the back of my skull, waiting to be picked over. It didn't matter that Ian had given me time. It didn't matter that I'd avoided him.

He was always in my head.

I knew from the start that I hadn't kissed him to run from my bad feelings but to run towards good ones. For weeks, Ian had been acting like the string to my kite. I needed to keep us going, but I knew that sometimes I would get too caught up in my worries and my plans. He kept me grounded, reminding me to sleep and eat during times when it felt impossible. He made me laugh and was there for me when I cried.

The problem was that I acted on my feelings before I really knew they existed. It was hard to admit them to myself for a slew of reasons and, even if I could finally acknowledge the truth, I didn't see how I could tell him. Survival was too important.

The light slowly shifted in the barn as the sun rose. At some point, Big Al switched out with an older woman, but he made sure to give me a smile and wave before he left. She was far more prone to silence and it was fine with me.

Carlos was the first one to wake up in my group. "Didn't sleep?" he asked when he saw that I hadn't moved from my spot.

I shrugged. "Wasn't tired.

He moved out from his sleeping bag on the floor next to Ray and joined me on the far side of the stall, taking a moment to stretch before sitting beside me. He hadn't said much since we'd arrived but it looked as though he was working up to it. He warily eyed the woman by the stall's door. "What do you make of all of this?"

His voice was almost inaudible and I did my best to match. "I don't know," I answered honestly. The group seemed friendly, but that didn't mean much. In the "north" – as they called it – all we had found was chaos and desperation. The group we now faced was fortified and confident in their stability. We were dealing with something brand new.

"Do you have a plan?"

I dug my nails into my palms. "Nope."

Carlos rubbed the stubble on his jaw as he seemed to think.