Homestar Saga

Chapter 82: Collective Bargaining

Yvian stared at the sea of metal men. They all wore the same sharp suit, tie, and fedora as the Peacekeeper she'd just met. The clothes were heavier than they looked, refusing to stir in the light breeze that whispered through the crystal city. The Peacekeeper units stood perfectly straight and perfectly motionless, in perfectly regimented lines. It was unnerving as Crunch. The yellow lights shining from the eyes of the machines didn't help. Yvian was pretty sure that yellow was the color they used for happiness, or maybe laughter, but knowing that didn't change the sinister overtones of thousands of glowing eyes attached to metal men that even Mims was afraid of.

Mims had stopped to stare at the Peacekeepers as well, but he quickly regained his composure. "So..." He scratched the back of his helmet. "Just how many of you are there?"

The Peacekeeper who'd been leading had stopped when everyone else did. His eyes flashed a brighter yellow than before as he replied, "There are thirty one million, nine hundred forty two thousand, three hundred nineteen Peacekeeper units on this planet."

Mims grunted.

Yvian decided she was tired of calling the Peacekeeper the Peacekeeper. It felt rude, and was sure to be confusing with so many others just like him standing around. "So what's your name?"

"This unit's designation is Peacekeeper Unit 978564973."

"That's uh..." Yvian heard the numbers, but she'd already lost track of what they were. "That's a mouthful. Is there something...shorter we could call you?"

"Affirmative," said the Peacekeeper. "Unit 978564973."

"That won't do," Lissa decided. "We need something else to call you."

The Peacekeeper tilted his head, considering. Yvian knew it was an affectation. He'd probably made his decision in less than a second. "Affirmative. Organic intelligences are limited and may experience difficulty remembering unit numbers accurately. This unit will accept an alternate designation for interacting with meatbags. Please suggest alternate designations."

"Can't you pick for yourself?" asked Yvian. She decided to ignore the jab about being limited.

"Negative," said Unit 978564973. "Alternate designations will be necessary for all units when interacting with meatbags. All Peacekeeper units are identical. All Peacekeeper units would choose the same designation."

"So you want us meatbags to pick for the sake of variety." Yvian got it. "Ok. How about Peacey?"

"Alternate designation rejected," said Peacey.

"Keepey?"

"Alternate designation rejected." Keepey didn't like that one, either. A brief red glow. "This unit believes it has been insulted."

"Give it up, sis," Lissa told her. "You suck at picking names." She addressed the machine. "Maybe you should just pick, since you're the first one getting a nickname."

"Affirmative," the machine who refused to be Keepey agreed. "This unit's alternate designation will be Mr. Roboto." His eyes flashed an amused yellow.

"Alternate designation rejected," said Mims. "I'm not calling you that."

"It is a musical reference," Mr. Roboto informed the Captain. "With poetic undertones relating to this unit."

"I know," said Mims. "It's also ridiculous. Pick something else."

"Exodus the Genocide was correct," Unit 978564973 remarked. "Your sense of humor is lacking." Another yellow flash, then he said. "New alternate designation selected. This unit will be known as Kilroy."