Captive Of Desire (DESIRE Series I)

CHAPTER 19

I was 18 that regretful time. My teenage era will remain never-to-be-forgotten because of my 18 year-old self. I thought I will never gonna be able to recover from all that. I became so afraid of people. I was so afraid to make friends and trust again. I thought they'll judge me too or they'd betray me like Razelle.

Until now I still couldn't believe that all of that truly happened in the past. It was my biggest nightmare everynight whenever I tried to close my eyes. It's so hard for me to get through everynight. I'm terrified that the faces of all those people who've hurted me will appear again in my dreams. And I'd just woke up in the middle of the night with my sweats all over my body and crying. I would hush myself cause no one would do it for me.

Five years has passed when that happened in my life and I can finally say by now that I'm all fine. I'm doing well and I've moved on. Moving on is a process so it wasn't really easy for me, moreover I fell inlove and I think about him everytime. I fell inlove with the man who played me like a toy.

I wanted to hit my stupid 18 year old self for believing in him. I couldn't help missing him and thinking how he's doing right now but I have to hate him. He destroyed my life. I'll never be in this place if there's no him.

But again, no more regrets. Everything that happened has a reason. Probably it was my way of learning that not all the people around me will love me too. Some of them just want the game and some just want to tear me down. If that didn't happen I'll remain the innocent and naive girl 'till now. The spoiled and dependent. Now, I'm confident and independent that can stand on my own feet.

Nung araw na pinalayas ako ni mommy sa harapan nina auntie Clari at nang totoo daw nitong mga magulang ay pinahahanap pala ako ni Lola. Alam na niya ang nangyari at alam niyang papalayasin ako ni mommy.

Gusto niya sana akong kunin para doon manatili sa Rizal pero sabi niya ay kailangan ko daw lumayo. Dahil sa hindi naman na ako makapasok sa university namin dahil sa kahihiyan at tampok na tampok na ang balita tungkol saakin. Kaya si lola ang tumulong saakin na makaalis ako ng bansa ng mga oras na yun.

Kinontak niya ang kaibigan niyang mag isa na tumitira sa America at ipinagkatiwala ako. Sa una ay natakot ako kasi baka masama ang ugali. Pero nangako si lola na hindi ganun ang kaibigan niya. Tinuruan lang ako ni lola ng gagawin kaya mag isa akong bumiyahe papuntang America buti na lang at may experience na ako sa pag travel dahil kung hindi ay tatanga tanga ako dun.

Nang makilala ko si lola Petra ay sobrang bait niya. She's 65 pero sobrang lakas niya pa rin tingnan. Binibisita siya ng mga anak niya pero bibihira lang. Sinasamahan ko siya sa check-ups niya, maglakad lakad at mag grocery. My life was so simple but so peaceful. Faraway from my past.

Pinagpatuloy ko din ang pagco-college at ang business course ko. Nahirapan ako mag adjust sa una dahil ibang environment ang kinatatayuan ko. But after two years ay nasanay na ako. Naging American citizen na din ako dahil kay Lola petra.

Nabalitaan kong hinahanap ako nina mommy at ng mga pinsan ko. Nasa fourth year na ako nun. Gustong gusto ko na din sanang umuwi pero wala pa akong napapatunayan kay Lola petra. May mga nanliligaw saakin at gusto ko din sanang itry ulit pero nagugulat ako dahil makalipas ang ilang araw ay titigil na sila. Nakakainis dahil kahit pumapayag naman akong makipag date ay titigilan pa rin ako. Nakakainsulto.

Ilang beses iyong nangyari sa buong college life ko kaya tinigilan ko na rin. Tuwing may mag aaya ng date ay paulit ulit ko ng tinatanggihan. May mga sira sa ulo ata ang mga foreigners. May iba naman akong nakilalang mga Pinoy pero ganun din. Napaka boring tuloy ng college years ko kaya mas nag focus na lang ako sa pag aaral. I set aside the idea of trying to get a boyfriend again. Ano nga ba naman ang mapapala ko dun.